'AITA for confronting my daughter-in-law about her constant lying? I refuse to apologize.'
"AITA for confronting my daughter-in-law about her constant lying and refusing to apologize?"
I (56F) have a son and things have been tense because of his wife, “Emily” (28F). I’ve noticed over the past year that Emily tends to stretch the truth or flat-out lie about things, both big and small.
At first, it was little things like saying she couldn’t come to family dinners because of work, only to post on social media that she was out with friends. Then it escalated to bigger things. One example that really bothered me happened recently.
We were both supposed to attend a charity fundraiser I was there the entire evening and never saw her. When I later asked if she had made it, she insisted that she had been there the whole time and even said she saw me but was too busy to come say hi. This wasn’t true—I know for a fact she wasn’t there the volunteers list was small and I definitely would have seen her. We were all in the same room.
More recently, she lied about something involving a family event. We were planning a small gathering for my husband’s birthday, and Emily told me she’d arranged a cake from his favorite bakery. The day of the party, she showed up empty-handed, claiming they “lost the order.” When I called the bakery to see what happened, they had no record of any order ever being placed.
That was the last straw for me. I pulled her aside later and confronted her about her constant lying. I tried to be calm and respectful, but I told her that her dishonesty was starting to affect how I viewed her and that it was creating tension in the family. She literally messed up my husband birthday with these lies.
She completely denied it and got really upset, saying I was making her out to be a bad person and that I was overreacting. My son got involved and is now angry with me. The whole thing has caused a rift, and now Emily refuses to come to any family gatherings unless I apologize. I feel like I had every right to call her out, and I have nothing to apologize for.
The internet had OP's back.
EinsTwo wrote:
NTA. I could not tolerate that lying either. Apparently your son does tolerate it? Or he's in denial? You may have to choose between being right and having a relationship with your son, unfortunately.
OP responded:
I truly have no idea what he is doing, it’s so obvious.
I don’t know how he doesn’t see it…
tosser9212 wrote:
Tell her to provide some proof - ANY proof - that she was in that store to place an order for a cake in the days preceding her statement and your husband's birthday - and if she can, you'll apologise. She can't. NTA. Do enjoy the family gatherings with sincerity and honesty.
OP responded:
Good idea, that bakery does their order online, she should have the email for them confirming her order.
I don’t think she has it.
mizfit416 wrote:
NTA - Strange behavior.
OP responded:
It’s so odd, I thought she was just lying becuause she didn’t want to go to some events, which whatever.
But the cake, claiming she went to a charity event? Whyyyyy.
MentionGood1633 wrote:
If the bakery really lost the order, they wouldn’t have a record of it, so you calling the bakery was pointless. This by itself is not a proof of anything.
While I understand that her lying is frustrating, I also see mostly white lies, where she possibly didn’t want to hurt you. Is she worried about disappointing you? You disapproval? Is she also lying about something really serious, like money, affairs, legal history? Have you talked to your son?
Snurgisdr wrote:
"I'm busy" is a common white lie that is more polite than "I don't want to hang out with you." You're meant to just accept it, not creep their social media to see what they're actually doing.
"They lost the order" and "they had no record of any order ever being placed" are obviously the same thing. You sound exhausting and unpleasant, and she's avoiding you because of it. ESH. ESH means everyone sucks here. I am not defending the DIL. Stop wasting your time.
newbeginningshey wrote:
It sounds like you wanted to treat her and depend on her like she’s family. Her behavior demonstrates that she doesn’t want to spend a lot of social time together, or contribute to family events - and she’s even willing to lie to get out of it.
So, I’d just focus on reorienting your engagement with her. Be pleasant with her for the sake of the relationship with your son, but stop trying to include her as you would a daughter, because that’s not what she wants.
My sister-in-law also tells fictional stories, with unclear motivations. We can all see that her assertions aren’t true, but she makes my brother happy. What benefit would there be to confronting her for lying? She has other virtues that we do appreciate and we focus our interactions with her on the positive.
jaimieeeee wrote:
The cake thing was inconsiderate and unnecessary- why say you’ll get a cake when you have no intention of doing so? But the other stuff honestly I would let go.
She clearly didn’t want to go to a family dinner that evening, so told a white lie instead of saying “I don’t want to” which, let’s face it, wouldn’t have gone down well with you. Your response to her saying she had to work was to monitor her social media, which is weird, frankly.
Accept that you’ll probably never be close with her and don’t rely on her to do any future party organizing, but otherwise you should let this go. I struggle to see how this is “creating tension in the family”? If she says she has to work and can’t come to a family event, accept it?