'AITA for considering more custody so my daughters can stay close to their extended family?'
"AITA for considering more custody so my daughters can stay close to their extended family?"
I (33F) share custody of my two daughters, 13 and 9, with my ex-husband. We divorced shortly after our youngest was born. Things were tense with his family at first — they didn’t support the divorce and I felt unwelcome. But over time, we reconnected. His mom, sister, and extended family have become a consistent, loving presence in my daughters’ lives.
As our co-parenting relationship improved, we celebrated holidays together. My daughters are especially close with their cousins (my ex-SIL’s kids). Even my current husband fits in well with everyone, and we’ve hosted large blended family dinners. For a while, it felt peaceful and whole.
My ex remarried a few years ago and now has a baby son. His wife has never been comfortable with my continued closeness to his family. According to my ex, she believes they secretly want us to get back together. She also felt his mom greeted me too warmly and didn’t show her the same excitement.
During the early years of their relationship, his mom lived with them — and my ex asked her not to mention me at all. Eventually, his mom moved out, saying she wanted to give them space to grow. Since then, things have changed. I’m no longer invited to events they host. The big family holidays stopped.
His wife doesn’t allow his family much contact with their baby — they haven’t even held him. Recently, she uninvited his mother from the baby’s first birthday, even after she flew in to attend. My daughters are heartbroken. These are people who helped raise them. My 13-year-old had a panic attack after my ex skipped both of her birthday parties this year.
She’s said she feels stuck between her dad’s new family and the one she’s always known and loved. I’ve talked to my ex about how sad it is we can’t all just get along for the kids’ sake. But he agrees it’s no longer “appropriate” to do holidays together. It seems he’s prioritizing peace at home over maintaining these extended relationships — even though they matter deeply to our daughters.
I’m now considering requesting more custody — not to punish him or “win,” but to give our daughters the emotional space and time with the family that makes them feel safe, loved, and supported.
Would I be TA for that?
The internet did not hold back one bit.
KSims1968 wrote:
His home life has changed and it is affecting your home life. This is normal as time goes on and new spouses are introduced. You did not mention your parents. Are they not part of this? At the end of the day, you are his ex-wife and you and your husband have been visitors in HIS life in recent years. That is no longer comfortable for HIM and his new wife...and that is their prerogative.
I wouldn't call anyone TA here...it's just a part of blended families and changing lives as people move on. Try to see it from his new wife's perspective. Of course she is a little uncomfortable that you are still SO close to her husband and her husband's family. That is natural and normal, but she does have a very valid point.
I wouldn't take legal action to try and reduce his custody. That WILL absolutely look like a vindictive move purely for selfish gain...even if in your heart you KNOW that it not the truth, that is exactly how it will look. Harsh truth - Be happy with your kids on your custody time and leave him and his family alone as it is no longer your family.
OP responded:
Thank you for this perspective. I have always said I completely understand his wife's perspective (or I at least try very hard to). Personally, I don't know if I would do well in her shoes.
Having the ex always around and not the evil ex-wife would be something that I think I would struggle with. I tried to make friends with her in the beginning, but she never seemed to like me (again, I understood and respected).
My parents and family live far away. I moved to be closer to my husband's family when we go pregnant. My mom moved close by when I was going through my divorce to help me, is here now. She loves my ex-MIL and ex-SIL. She loves my new husband's family too. I was fine initially pretty hurt to do separate family holidays...the first one was Thanksgiving and I felt the girls were missing out.
But over time I got used to the new dynamic and things were fine with us handing them off mid-day for holidays. The problem is more recently he chose to not attend our daughter's birthday and completely uninvited his family from his son's birthday. I was never invited in the first place and have zero animosity over that. I get it.
But my daughters are starting to catch on that their dad doesn't show up to anything anymore and was questioning why her aunt aren't invited. Unfortunately, I can't hide everything from her because the second they were uninvited, her cousin called and told her.
Furthermore, her dad didn't show up to her birthday party, but his entire family did and I think that hurt her quite a bit.
She decided to not go back to his house on her next scheduled custody day over it...(though she's back there now, I told her she had to talk to him). You're right about how it will look though. We're already going to mediation right now to bring our parenting agreement up to date with our current schedules and commitments but so far I've never asked for more than 50/50 split.
Large-Meaning-517 wrote:
So am I understanding this right - are you saying that he has cut out his own family so the girls don't see them on his time? And that you are wanting more custody time so you can keep his extended family involved with the girls? If that's the case, it sounds like he and his wife are punishing his extended family (and by extension, the children) for being involved in your life.
OP responded:
Exactly.
Legitimate-Suit-5965 wrote:
Maybe I misunderstood, but the issue here seems to be that her husband’s family is also being frozen out on HIS time though, and that the girls don’t get to see his family at all; not that their mom doesn't get to be there when they see their family.
I’d ask the girls what THEY want before making any moves on custody and possibly have them see a therapist first as well, but in this case, I’d seriously be considering it.
OP responded:
They definitely are in therapy! My oldest especially. She's always been more emotional and benefits from it. I've asked what she wants and she responded with saying that she doesn't particularly like being there but that she loves her dad and doesn't want to upset him. But she also hates that he's cutting off his family and worries that she'll miss out on seeing them when she's over at his house.
Legitimate-Suit-5965 responded:
Is it an option for you to facilitate them meeting with his family? I think the best thing to do would be to bow out yourself during this season (hopefully not forever!) so no major holidays, but any weekend playdates possible? Or weekday evenings on your time?
OP responded:
That's what I've been doing. I hang out with them on my weekends. More recently though, he's started to be upset about that. He says they aren't "respecting" his family by seeing me. So he's uninviting them from events that I'm not even part of.
So what do I do now? If I backoff, and he still doesn't associate with his family, then what will my kids do? Do they just end their relationship with their family because he doesn't want to associate with them and he doesn't want me to either?
Spare_Ad5009 wrote:
NTA. Do it. The stepmother sounds like she wishes you and your daughters didn't exist, not to mention the rest of your ex's family. See a lawyer. Get statements from your daughters.
OP responded:
I've got the lawyer recently, I feel so terrible putting my kids in a position to choose. I'm trying to avoid making them the bad guys.
zenfieryrooster wrote:
Your ex skipped his own daughter’s birthday… twice. And caused her deep sorrow. He’s the bad guy. Do your daughters complain about treatment from his wife?
OP responded:
He took her to dinner before her birthday (I really did try and post this with all accurate information). But historically, we have a big party with all the family and she's upset he missed that even though he took her out to dinner. I'm upset he didn't decline and tell her he wasn't coming!
Hopingforawhippet wrote:
INFO: Why are you wanting more custody? What is that fixing? Is your ex treating his daughters poorly during his custody time? A lot of what the ex and his wife are asking for is reasonable. His new wife is perfectly reasonable to want holidays without her husband’s ex involved. It’s perfectly healthy to have more separation. You can have a relationship with your ex-MIL without everyone being enmeshed.
Without further explanation, this comes off as you punishing your ex because he no longer wants to treat YOU as family. And he doesn’t owe that to you. Can you give me a clearer list of the egregious things he’s done? Did he celebrate your daughter’s birthday on his own time, even if he didn’t come to the party you threw? Is he still loving and involved with them?
Because mostly what you talk about is how he treats his own mom, and how much time he spends on big family events on his side, and frankly that’s not your business, and not something you get to punish him for.
If you care about your daughters having access to their father’s family, and they don’t think they’re getting enough of it with him, you’re allowed to organize it on your own time. But it seems vindictive to take away time from their father for that.
OP responded:
Yes! unfortunately, the 3K character limit really made me cut a lot out.
Couldn't agree more on letting the ex celebrate holidays with his family without me. While it was upsetting the first time, I accepted it and moved on.
2. "You can have a relationship with your ex-MIL without everyone being enmeshed."
This is the big issue. He's specifically asked his family to stop inviting me over and asked me to stop accepting invites. We've discussed this (my and my ex-inlaws) and considered it, but feel that it's reverting back to the times right after the divorce where no-one talked it we all suffered from it.
I have offered, several times, to not attend family events to respect his new wife. However, my ex-husband insists that it's not a problem. He just keeps saying that his family "is not respecting his new family." He says his sister isn't making enough of an effort to come over, but he never invites her. He's saying his sister never invites him over, but when she does he doesn't show up.
He calls his sister any time we do something together with our kids and gets on to her for hanging out with me. He did take our oldest out to dinner the week before, but my daughter is still upset because last year he came to her sister's birthday which I hosted with all family invited but this year he didn't come to hers.
ladancer22 wrote:
I personally think it’s great you have a good relationship with your ex-in laws. And I think that it sucks for your daughter that her father won’t attend anything you’re at. However I really don’t understand what asking for more custody would solve here.
OP responded:
You're right. I think I'm just upset that my daughters are feeling so isolated from their family half of the time. I guess I could back off and just decline to hang out with them (even on my weekends).
OldSaggyTitBiscuits wrote:
NTA, your husband is definitely freezing out his past at the behest of new wife. You have to protect your kids, and if his family makes them feel loved and safe, while he can't make them feel welcome, then they need to be where the love is. He missed his own daughter's birthday? That's a disgrace.
OP responded:
Thank you! I'm really struggling with whether this will just make things worse, but I honestly worry about my girls being exposed to this form of "problem solving". And yes, I have hosted parties for some time now bc he and his wife don't like to host anything anymore.
They usually still attend the kids bday parties. Last year they attended our younger daughters birthday which was hosted at my house. But he didn't show up for my oldest daughter.. and I think it really upset her.