'AITA for thinking about divorce?' UPDATED 3 DIFFERENT POSTS

"AITA for thinking about divorce?"

I 34(f) have been with Ken -not his real name-37(m) since I was 16. We met in school as he was my brothers friend. We have been married for 10years. Have a 2year old son and one on the way. Ken has always been my person. The person who you can’t picture life without and I honestly can’t remember not loving him. I grew up with him, he’s my everything.

Unfortunately Ken has this issue where he takes on everyone else’s feelings like to heart. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, however recently his best friend of 20years has just found out that his wife has been cheating on him and none of the children are his. Obviously his friend is devastated and is staying in our guest room. He’s a nice guy just life has him down right now. He’s started the process of divorce.

The more time Ken spends with his friend the more depressed he’s become. And distant. Our mornings use to start where I would wake up at 6am with our son make breakfast then about 8am I could wake Ken up with a coffee and some breakfast before going to drop little one off at nursery and go to work. Ken works from home most days only going into the office on a Monday.

So I’d give him his coffee he’d give me a kiss and then I’d go off on my happy little way. Then I’d finish work, get our son and go home where Ken would be making tea. I’d clean up after whilst he was bathing our son and putting him to bed. I thought this was life, it might sound boring to some but it was my life and I loved it. Our house was filled with love.

We would spend our nights cuddling, talking watching a movie. Date night once a month. We would take our son out together on a Saturday and then Sunday go visit family or have friends over. You get the picture I’m rambling. Sorry. Anyway, for the past month things have been…changing. Ken is more depressed. I make him a coffee in the morning and just get a mumbled “thanks”.

I’d come home from work and the friend and him would be in the livingroom watching sports. I’m now making tea. Bathing our son, neither of them will barely talk to me. We don’t go out on the weekends together I feel like a single parent. I’ve tried to talk to Ken about it all but I get one worded answers.

Then he stays up till about 1am which I know it’s not super late but I’m passed out by then, I’m exhausted, alone and pregnant. I miss my husband. Yesterday I came home from work and you know when something just doesn’t feel right? Well, I went to find Ken to see what he was doing as his friend wasn’t in the house but Ken’s car was. He was in his office looking up DNA kits for our son.

I asked him why and his response was “well I just want to make sure all the kids are mine before I continue looking after them as I’m not a free childcare”. This broke me. When I say I’m devastated it’s an understatement. But if he thinks that I’ve cheated on him then surely the trust is gone? Is there any going back?

Am I just being pregnant and hormonal? Would I be extreme for looking for a divorce? I could put the papers in the envelope with the results from the DNA test. I think I’m gonna go cry in bed now. Had to take the day off work as I feel like I’ve just been gut punched.

Here's what people had to say to OP after the first post:

fidget1989 said:

I think the friend needs to move out. Maybe go to couples therapy together and go from there? I’m so sorry your going through this. I don’t think you are just being pregnant and hormonal

azorgi01 said:

Your husbands feelings are being fed from his friend. Working from home a lot disconnects you from being social and the only social activity he gets is depression from his friend. This friend has to go and once he does you two can work on getting back on track the way you were. You really need to explain this to him and he should understand.

These are all actions of the other person not your husband if that makes sense.

Get through this and you two can be that much stronger but as long as this other person is around I feel it will only get worse. Good luck!

winterworld561 said:

You need to talk to his friend and ask him to leave asap as he is causing issues for your own marriage and he has your husband questioning if his son is actually his. This friend is toxic and has been whispering in your husband ear, sabotaging your marriage and family out of bitterness from what his wife did.

If your husband kicks off at you for asking his friend to leave, then serve him divorce papers with paternity test results showing the kids are his, and tell him he has lost his family because he chose to listen to his asshole bitter friend.

Josii_ said:

NTA I'm willing to bet good money his ""friend"" is bitter bitter about your marriage and actively sabotaging it. Time to give your husband an ultimatum that either his useless friend gets out and he pulls himself together yesterday rather than tomorrow, or he can face the consequences.

Which should be the DNA results along with the divorce papers. Ask him if the guy is really worth your marriage and children. I'm sorry this is happening to you OP, hugs for you🫂

The same day, about 11 hours after her original post, OP shared this first update:

"I’ve asked my husband to move out. Am I taking this too far?"

Well after my post earlier this afternoon I cried then read all your lovely comments and I couldn’t be more grateful. I think posting about it here really helps for some reason. Weird how telling complete strangers that I’m struggling with life seems to help.

So I think after my pity party which couldn’t last long due to being a parent I called my step-mum and dad (my mum died when I was 10) they are coming to stay with me on Friday. Crying on the phone helped although I’m not really sure they could truly understand a word of what I was saying. I’ve spoken to Ken…well more like spoke at Ken telling him that his friend has till Thursday to leave.

I’m not a monster and can’t just tell him to leave at the drop of a hat. I’ve also told Ken he needs to leave too. Whilst yes I could go to my dads house I don’t want to disrupt my little one more than needed and all the things for my baby is here too. Especially as I’m 8months along it just seems stupid for me to be the one to leave.

I’ve made it a point of not pointing out it’s my house either. I’m trying to be calm and sensible. I’m not 100% sure Ken listened but I did message his sister who is a force to be reckoned with and she said she will make sure he’s gone by Thursday night. Things I’ve told Ken I want is yes he can have the DNA test but I will be damned if I’m the one to do it. He can also have one for the baby as I ain’t got nothing to hide.

I know that some people have questioned why I’m so against it. Let me make something clear. I would never cheat because as I said in my last post Ken is/or was I dunno, my person. He’s the only man I’ve ever been with. So that isn’t any concern of mine. I’m just hurt that he wants one because clearly he doesn’t trust me.

So things I want. I want him to have the DNA tests mainly so I can make him eat the results (not literally I’m just venting) I’m also going to suggest couples therapy. I already see one due to losing my mum and my little sister in a car crash when I was little. I want to suggest he sees one alone but you can lead a horse to water but can’t make him drink it,

I don’t wanna force him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. I want him to maintain contact with our son, yes he doesn’t believe he’s the father right now but that’s no reason he should neglect him as he’s his and I don’t want to upset my son. Yea he’s only two but still he deserves all the love from both his parents. He’s done nothing wrong. Then obviously this one when he/she comes along.

Still not sure about the state of my marriage but even if divorce is what happens I need to be able to get through to him so he can be the father he was. Am I going insane? Do I sound insane? I don’t know why writing here helps so much. Thanks!

A week later, OP shared this second update:

"My husband got his DNA test results. He still thinks I’ve cheated."

Hello again, following my two other posts I will answer some questions, yes it is my house. It was left to me when my mum died. I have lived here all my life. I didn’t move out because I have a child and one on the way so why should I be the one to leave. I get that some people believe I was the AH for asking him to leave but as I was heavily pregnant, have a toddler and it’s my house I wasn’t about to leave.

Yes he could of stayed but have you tried living with someone who just wants to argue or just not talk? I’d prefer my child not to live in that environment thank you. At the end of the day I’m a mother first and a wife second. If you think that’s harsh then I don’t know what to tell you. My children come first end of.

Well Ken’s friend did leave the day I told him he had till Thursday. He wasn’t happy about it and shouted some insults at me which was amazing. Ken’s sister came and picked up Ken. I wish I could tell you what she said but she didn’t say anything in front of me just kept giving Ken death stares. We did get the DNA test for little one and Ken is the father…obviously.

Ken somehow thinks I’ve intercepted the results even tho I wasn’t the one that did it. I wasn’t the one that got handed the results ect so he’s clearly lost his mind. My dad came over and whilst I was making tea my waters broke. My little girl is here she healthy and happy. She was 9lb 8oz so no concern of anything with her. I’m now a mum of two.

I am home now and Ken has been to see his baby girl although as she’s not had a DNA test he disagrees with her being his because “his family doesn’t have many girls” yet he has a sister so I just rolled my eyes. I don’t really know where to go from here. Ken is refusing therapy he says there’s nothing wrong with him or his brain. I beg to differ.

He wants to get ANOTHER DNA test for our boy but won’t tell me when or where so I can’t interfere. Maybe one day he will come to his senses. My dad and step mum are staying with me for a while to help me with the baby’s. I’d like to say I’m ok but honestly my emotions are all over the show I don’t know which was is up.

Ken’s sister visits the baby’s and we have an unspoken rule that we don’t speak about Ken apart from when our son asks about him. I wish it was the kind of update where he got the results seen how much of a idiot he’s been and we move on but sadly that’s not the case. I can’t dwell on it to much just take sh!t one day at a time.

I do miss my person and worry that he’s missing out on his baby's life already which if I think about to much I will just sit and cry but I don’t have time for that. As always thanks for listening to me rant. I might update if anything else happens in my life. Right now I’m still left wondering if I’m doing the right thing here. Is there anything I could do differently? Why are my kids so hard for him to accept all of a sudden?

Ten days later, she shared this update:

"AITA for making it difficult for him to find a solicitor?":

Hello again. Things have been Bizarre but now I have closure. I know what’s happened to my marriage. I know what scum Ken really is. He’s not my person and never truly was. So now I just want to divorce him, cut my loses and move on with my life.

Im still at home with my babies settling into motherhood. My dad and Step mum are still here but they will be leaving soon once I’m more emotionally stable. To say I’m ok would be a lie but I now know what I need to do.

I have some sort of closure with Ken. I know what happened with him and I know that it’s not my fault. Turns out Ken was having an affair and has a baby on the way. Even typing that makes me want to throw up. I found this out when a visibly pregnant lady just knocked on my door and asked me when I would be leaving the house as “it’s Ken’s house”. When I say this confused the crap out of me I mean it.

I talked to this women for a while to try to work out what she was talking about. It turns out that she’s Ken’s side piece. Well technically in her head she’s his fiancée. A month ago Ken got down on one knee and proposed to her in my kitchen….classy right.

So they have been seeing each other for a while. She’s having his baby. She believes I’m the ex wife who Ken is letting him stay in his house till I get on my feet. We apparently broke up a few years ago and none of my kids are Ken’s. When I goto work in the mornings Ken goes to her house and works from there. They were waiting for marriage to move in together.

How you trying to marry someone when you are already married? Weirdo.

I asked for proof of all this. She has pictures of them together. Apparently she has a OF account that they make content together 🤮🤮. I told her we are still married and explained everything to her.

I’m not sure what she’s going to do. But hey not my circus not my monkey. Now I want a divorce. Is it true that once you talk to a solicitor about divorce they can’t represent the person your divorce? I want to go around our town and meet with as many solicitors as possible as the first hour is free so that he has a very hard time getting representation? Is that too petty?

The house is in my name only and is protected so there is no way he can take it. I have all my money and we do have a joint account but that’s just what we put our share of household bills in. I haven’t spoken directly with Ken. His family have completely cut him off and he’s been kicked out of his sisters house.

All those people that was concerned about him having tumour or something wrong with his brain I really don’t think that’s the case. I think his actions just caught up to him as his lies were going to come out once his baby was born. I think that’s what happened. He got backed into a corner and tried to fight his way out.

Through divorce process I will get the court to do DNA testing so he has proof for both. Even if he chooses to not believe it. I’m mentally exhausted from all of this and sat wondering how I didn’t notice. Might have to go for an eye test. But honestly would I be so wrong for just making his life as difficult as possible to get legal advice or is that too far? I want him to suffer.