Man considers solo attendance at wedding, risking fallout with demanding girlfriend; 'she expects me to babysit her.' AITA?
"AITA: Don't want to bring my girlfriend to a wedding"
I have a family wedding coming up, the families first wedding in like 10 years, so it is a big deal for the family. When I take my girlfriend of a year plus to events, she wants me to babysit her, sit by her, expects me to introduce her to every person.
In contrast, take me to an event, I am fine, I am happy not to be introduced to anyone, if I want to talk I will go introduce myself. Not that long ago I took her to my uncles 88th birthday party (he lives in a nursing home), I knew maybe 4 people out of 25 there. I started mingling and meeting the people, trying to understand their relationship with my uncle.
On the way home, she eviscerated me, "you left me there sitting with your aunt", "you didn't introduce me to everyone" etc. All I could think about was, how about, I don't bring you next time, its not worth all this. As additional info, she is like a CEO type, runs an organization, getting her way on most things.
Recently, I took her to a Gala that had about 400+ people, I probably knew 100 personally (it was an event that most people did not bring their significant others because it was expensive, probably 15% did).
On the way there, she gave me a lecture, don't leave her, etc. So walking in, I introduced her to everyone that I ran into on the way to our seats, probably 10-15 people, but then I just sat at our table.
I only talked to people at my table, I felt so constricted. So finally, I said, let me go talk to my friends over there and I spent about 10-15 minutes talking to people that I knew.
Additional Info, it is a cross country relationship, she happens to live near my hometown, which I visit regularly and thereby visit her. She comes out to visit me on occasion.
She has met my cousins, particularly the grooms mother, whom she has become friends with so, she knows all the details about the wedding which is also in a different state. So to go to the wedding, both of us would have to travel.
Last night, as I was home alone, I had an epiphany, I really don't want her to come to the wedding with me. All I could think about was all my cousins and family that I haven't seen in forever and being constricted in just hanging with them. She is going to feel like a boat anchor at this once in a decade family event. Maybe I have just been an AH about this my entire life, not doing introductions properly.
Maybe I am just not just happy about other things. I flew in for a long weekend and she wanted to go out to jazz place, she made reservations (she must always have reservations wherever she goes), and while out, she got sick (probably bad food earlier), we left early and she is driving home in her brand new luxury vehicle and she pulls over quickly, opens the door and starts vomiting.
Covering the door, the cup holders, the hand holds, everything with vomit. We finally make it home and she goes to bed. I go out to her car and clean the vomit from everywhere.
I get a bucket of soap and water and clean it completely, but I realize that some of
the vomit is so deep in the hand wells, that I need to take a small bit of it apart, clean it and let it dry separately. So I leave a piece out on the console to fully dry.
The next day, she is feeling better and has to go somewhere and I say, don't mind that little piece that I had to take off the door of the car. She starts complaining about how I have comprised the warranty on her car, and how I need to go put it back together this very moment, etc.
I responded by saying, its not a big deal, not going to affect your warranty, etc. She continues to shriek about this, so I get up, and spend 30 seconds putting the piece back in place.
Something about the sequence just irritated me. I just want to go to the wedding and have fun, enjoy my family, but realize that if I don't take her with me, the relationship is probably over.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA, but the wedding isn’t really the issue. When you don’t want to take your partner to important events in your lives, you’re with the wrong person.
It's not that he didn't want to take her, it was her "rules" on how he was supposed to act at the events. But you are correct, if that's the way she's going to be, he is with the wrong person.
Agreed, NTA. It seems like there's a disconnect in how you both approach social events and personal space. You clearly prefer a more independent, low-maintenance approach, whereas your girlfriend wants more attention and involvement from you at these events.
It’s understandable that you’d feel constricted and frustrated when she expects a lot of attention, especially at large events where you want to reconnect with family. It’s also fair to feel hesitant about bringing her to the wedding if you know it’ll result in discomfort for both of you. It sounds like you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed by the pressure to constantly attend to her needs and concerns in social situations.
That being said, it’s important to communicate openly with her about your feelings and needs. Avoiding the issue might only lead to more frustration in the long run. It’s not unreasonable to ask for space to enjoy the wedding with your family, but you should also make sure she feels heard and valued in the relationship.
NTA. It sounds like you two are not compatible. She wants to be the center of your attention and you want to enjoy your family. Not wanting to attend family events with her is a clear sign that the relationship is over.
Go to the wedding alone. End the relationship and move on. She doesn’t appreciate you at all, and what little time you spend together you aren’t enjoying yourself. It’s time to move on. Good luck!
You’re on totally different wavelengths. It’s better to be single than be with someone like this. You don’t suit don’t make the mistake of marrying her and then meeting the person you are compatible with. It will be a bloody mess. Stay single until you meet someone cool. This person isnt it.
NTA. But why are you with her? Are you one of those people that would rather be miserable in a relationship because you are too scared to be alone?
The wedding is not your problem. You do her a solid cleaning up her vomit and she yells at you? That’s not respectful. The dynamic is your problem. NTA.