'AITA for telling my fiancé going for a late night walk with his coworker was not ok?' + UPDATE
"AITA for telling my fiancé going for a late night walk with his coworker was not ok?"
My fiancé and I have been partners for 3 years and are getting married in June. He works from home two/three days a week and goes in on the remaining days. He isn't close with any of his coworkers since I've heard him often complain about how most of his coworkers are much older, except with this girl who I think joined a few months back.
I've heard him say her name a few times mostly harmless stuff I guess about how she recommended a show to him or had him try out her lunch, but I'm not going to lie, sometimes it's still a little annoying how much he values her input because its a bit out of character.
She's also the only coworker that I've heard him talk about random stuff with on his work calls. I'm not saying any of this is wrong but I just want to be honest about the stuff that's been on my mind because its possible I might be in the wrong here.
He's been gone for a work trip to another branch with some other colleagues of his, including her. Last night, I texted him if he was done with dinner and was good to talk, he said he was just taking a stroll with her.
I froze for like a good couple of seconds, asked who else is there, he said no one they just decided to take a walk and check the area around their hotel out. I was not ok with this, told him this was crazy disrespectful and called him.
He declined my call, and texted back saying there's nowhere for him to talk to me in private at the moment, that he'll call me back. I called again, he answered. I told him this was not ok at all, what was he doing taking a walk so late with her. He just responded breezily because I guess she was close, and just said I'll call you back when I get back to the hotel.
15 minutes later he called me and I kind of went off on him, I said he had no business being out this late alone with a woman as someone who's about to be my husband in less than 3 months.
He said he was just bored, she was the only person he was cool with and they just went for a walk, that my implication was hurtful to him. I calmed down, said I was sorry but I was just not ok with it, so I'd appreciate it if he didn't do anything alone with her for my comfort.
He said fine and then said he was planning on going for a post-work lunch with her at one of the places they saw on their walk. I again asked him who else, and he said just the two of them.
I asked him to please invite someone else too, he said they don't vibe with anyone else, we had a bit of a tense back and forth, and he relented saying he'd invite someone else too but it would ruin it and the fact I couldn't trust him was so disappointing.
I tried to explain that it wasn't about trust, just my peace of mind, but I did a bad job of explaining that. Today, he responded to my good morning messages very curtly. I know he's angry with me. Was I the AH?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s initial post:
Usually colleagues catch a meal together when working away wouldn’t raise any concerns for me, however the late night stroll just the two of them was weird especially since they then used it to setup a dinner date for the following day.
Yeah, no kidding. If my husband was away on business, and he is a lot, and went on a late night stroll with another woman, I would be gone. And I’ve been married 45 years. Nope, you don’t do these things with anyone but your partner. You know, everyone on this work trip will think they are hooking up, even if they’re not. NTA.
NTA. It’s not about trust, it’s about boundaries. Late-night walks and solo lunches with a coworker can blur lines, especially when he clearly values her input. You’re setting reasonable expectations for your relationship, not being controlling. His defensiveness is a red flag, he should respect your feelings, not dismiss them.
Later the same day, the OP returned with an update.
I had posted earlier in the day about me getting angry with my fiancé for his 1-1 plans with his coworker. The replies made me realize I was in the wrong, so I called him and apologized for overreacting last night.
He told me it was all good. I asked if he'd already asked another coworker to join them for lunch, he hadn't yet, so I told him I was ok with them making plans after work and he thanked me for it.
Full disclosure, my ex was a control freak when it came to me, wanting me to put the phone on speaker whenever I'd be talking to my friends or family, wanting updates every half hour, and I hated him so much at the end of it, and promised myself I'd never be a controlling partner like that but it's possible I picked up some wrong norms from that period.
My fiancé's coworker also put up some photos on instagram of their lunch together and their trip to a lake after, and I realize they're just coworkers who have similar interests.
When I posted initially it was just that in my mind he'd act out of character when it came to her, acting on show recs when he normally doesn't, replying to her texts fairly quickly when he normally takes a while, and I just thought that wasn't ok.
But I also fully understand that my idea of right and wrong is a bit skewed due to my past, and I'm glad I was made to realize it before I went further down the road and became the kind of partner my ex was to me. Thanks.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s update:
Just because you may have overreacted to a walk doesn’t mean the situation is kosher. It just means you need to have a calm conversation with your fiance about what makes you uncomfortable and why.
If he knew you were uncomfortable with lunch and grudgingly said it was fine, why would he push it by also going to the lake after? I’m married and that would bother me if my husband did that after I expressed I was uncomfortable with the relationship.
Yeah, lunch and then going to the lake afterwards definitely sounds like a date activity and not something I would be ok with my husband doing with a female coworker that I don’t know.
I personally believe that he is playing you when it comes to her. She's posting pictures of them on their lunch together and going to the lake. No wonder he didn't want anyone having lunch with them.
Why would she post pictures of them together at lunch and at a lake if they are just co-workers? She, IMO, just threw it in your face. What were her comments when she posted them? Good luck to you.
Yeah. Why did they convince her to apologize? Like....who goes on late night strolls with Co workers and goes on about them And then goes to a lake and posts pictures??? I feel so bad for this woman because her abusive ex has messed with her self confidence so much she second guessed her self and APOLOGISED.
Yeah this isn’t over.