'AITA for ending my relationship over $20? He took it behind my back and then gaslit me.'
"AITAH for ending my relationship over $20?"
AITAH for ending my relationship over $20? For context I (35F) have been with my bf (42M) for almost 3 years now. When we met he had a well paying job, on top of his business, which is sales based and income is sporadic.
When he felt his job was just too detrimental to his mental health, about two years ago, I fully supported him quitting, and now he only has his business. I knew this meant my income was the only reliable source, and I am okay with this. The issue began recently. It is the end of the year, so my company is watching the budget.
This means my OT is very limited, and I'm not bringing in as much as I'm used to. I made him aware of this about a month ago, and told him I'd be tight. There have been several issues since that were caused by me telling him no to expenses I didn't feel were necessary. Tomorrow he is going to get his kids, which is rare due to his ex avoiding their custody agreement and living very far away.
He did a job this weekend that way supposed to net him $100-$300 . While I was making dinner today he asked if I could give him some money towards it, because he only had about $25 left. I told him no at first, because I wasnt really sure what I had available and wanted him to really evaluate his resources. I did transfer him money after dinner when I had a chance to check my account.
I went out after we ate, and upon getting to the venue, I found $20 missing from my wallet. I had counted my cash before going to the store earlier, and only used my card while out. No one else was in the house between me counting my money, and finding some missing.
I would have forgiven the theft, because I totally understand wanting to make sure he had enough to show his kids a good time. But despite me telling him I wouldn't tolerate a lie when I told him I knew he st-le the money, he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about, and he never went near my cash.
I told him I'm handing him the rest of my cash for his kids, but we are over. I won't be with someone I know it's going to lie, and gaslight me into thinking I'm crazy for accusing him.
AITAH for calling it quits over this?
The internet was deeply invested.
Rat_Master999 wrote:
NTA.
You're not leaving him over $20. You're leaving him for being a thief and a liar.
Zeii wrote:
NTA. This was clearly the straw that broke the camels back. Ugh. Stealing from your partner is messed up.
OP responded:
Not gonna lie, there is a lot more that has been bothering me lately, but this really is the last straw. It's not even the theft, it's the lies behind it I can't forgive.
Ok_Ant7191 wrote:
I’ve been in a similar circumstance. My ex accused me of taking money. Or rather “money went missing” when we were on a road trip. My mum had also put a couple of hundred in my bank to enjoy the trip and I got my lip pierced. There was lots of loud hinting over and over that there was money missing. So yeah.
OP responded:
Not sure what you mean about similar. There was no hinting about it. I straight told him that I knew he took it. Unless a ghost got in our house, and liked cash for some reason, there was no one else who could have. I wouldn't take something like this lightly. If I hadn't specifically counted what I had earlier today, I would have written it off as me guesstimating and let it be.
Performance_Lanky wrote:
NTA As others have said it isn’t the $20, it’s the dishonesty and broken trust.
Make sure you secure your assets as he may make a grab for them justifying it as necessary for his kids.
Lisabelart wrote:
NTA. I can't stand liars and thieves. It's not the amount. It's the act of going behind your back, knowing full well the household is tight, and yet you still told him you'd help him, and he stole from you.
He reached inside your wallet and took from you...his partner of 3 years. The sneaking, the being so quiet he doesn't alarm you. That, to me, is not forgivable. Others may say different because everyone has a different breaking point.
Honestly, this triggered memories of my ex and his g-mbling issues. In our 20+yrs of marriage, I forgave so much, but something about taking money from me, from his son's account, knowing full well how I was the only breadwinner, sent me spiraling. I left him manyyyyy years ago, but I still get angry when I read stories about stealing money.
Decent-Party9274 wrote:
You’re in your right to end it. No problem at all. Walk away and don’t look back.
All this being said, I don’t see with 100% confidence that he took money from you the way you describe it. Had he ever taken money from you before (missing in this case or confirmed by him admitting it?)
TwilightCharm7 wrote:
NTA .Trust is everything in a relationship, and once that’s broken, it’s hard to move forward. The fact that he lied about taking the money, especially after you were already trying to support him, is a red flag. You’re right to stand up for yourself—no one should gaslight or steal from their partner. It’s not about the $20, it’s about the principle and the lack of respect for your boundaries.