'AITA for expecting my husband to be home every night that we have his kids (my stepkids) at home?'
"AITA for expecting my husband to be home every night that we have his kids (my stepkids) at home?"
My husband has two kids from his previous marriage. Both boys, 12 and 14. They are sweet kids, but they’re teenage boys…they’re wild, they tend to get into fights, they’re messy, and listening is not their best life skill at this stage of brain development. I do not have biological kids of my own. I met these kids when we started dating about 4 years ago, and we’ve all lived together for about 2.5 years.
Long story, but we moved last summer about 60 miles from our old home. The move was because the boys bio mom got remarried to a guy who lived in a different part of the state. To avoid the kids bearing the brunt of the commute, we agreed to move. My husband still commutes to work, and I work from home full time now.
We have 50/50 custody of his kids. During the school year, we never have the kids on Monday or Tuesday nights. My husband enjoys playing in low stakes, bar poker games, so he generally does that on Mondays and Tuesdays. It’s a very long drive to the venue where he plays, so he stays with friends near our old house on those nights and doesn’t come home.
Not my favorite arrangement, but I go out of my way to ensure he feels like he has autonomy to enjoy his hobbies (something he definitely didn’t have in marriage #1). The issue has come up with regards to our summer custody schedule, which switches to one week on, one week off from the normal school year schedule.
It recently came out in conversation that he expected to still play in his poker game on Tuesday nights during the summer and that he was fully planning on staying with friends and not coming home those nights. It has always been our understanding and agreement that he would be home any night we have the boys here.
When I brought this up, he told me he didn’t think it was a big deal to not be home one night a week and to expect me to handle everything on those nights. I am super uncomfortable being here with them alone. They make me anxious, I hate when they fight, and I don’t think it’s my place as a stepparent to discipline them.
If they were kids who just read books and sat in silence all night, I might feel differently—but there’s an always greater than 0% chance that someone is literally throwing punches, and I have no interest in being solely in charge of that situation. I already am the default parent for laundry, school pickup, scheduling, meals, and the primary caretaker anytime during school breaks (since I work from home).
I have clearly communicated to my husband how I feel about being here alone with them, so he is aware. Beyond how it impacts me, I don’t think it’s a great example for the kids, either. It’s not like my husband is on work trips—it’s like “hey dad would rather play poker than be here with you”. I just feel like part of being a parent is you have to plan your life around kid stuff.
My husband already has it easier than most because of the joint custody and the fact that I am happy to sacrifice some of the few days we would have alone for the two of us so that he can pursue this hobby. So serve it to me straight—AITA here?! My husband is making me feel like I am, but I just feel like this is me making a reasonable ask and trying to set a very legitimate boundary.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
soggy-beach-1495 wrote:
Back when this was happening to my brother and I, there was no 50/50 custody, so maybe people just view it different now. But for us, if we would go to my dad's house for a weekend, and he wasn't available, we'd be wondering why the f we were there. To hang out with our stepmom who we didn't really get along with anyway? When we could have been home instead with our stuff and our friends.
OP responded:
THANK YOU!! This is exactly my point to him! The kids never outright say it, but they’re always kind of like “oh so why are we here if our dad isn’t?!” We have a fine relationship, but they don’t want to hang out with me, they want to spend time with him!
ThatBChauncey wrote:
I mean...you're the AH to yourself for marrying this clown.
OP responded:
This honestly made me LOL. Honestly, all of these responses are SO validating, unfortunately, of a lot of things I’ve been fearing about this relationship. I got into it in a season of life when I was very down on myself, and I’m starting to feel the friction more and more as I grow and become secure in who I am.
SnowPlowMom wrote:
Wow. You moved 60 miles, to accommodate his custody schedule. He doesn't come home from Monday am to Wed evening, so that he can play poker with the guys (and I hope that's all that's going on), and then you two have his boys Wed, Thurs, and I presume every other weekend. So you guys get time alone together every other weekend, Fri night thru Mon AM. Not good.
Now, he wants you to be the overnight sitter for his boys so that he can play poker and sleep over there. You are right to tell him that you are unhappy with this arrangement. You're right to tell him that you're unhappy with the arrangement altogether. You get three nights home alone with him every two weeks, while he spends four nights playing poker and sleeping there, every two weeks.
I don't know what to tell you about this. I would say that you are absolutely right to tell him that he needs to be there when his children are there, but I also think that you would be right to point out to him that he spends 4 nights every two weeks on poker, and only 3 nights every two weeks home alone with you.
OP responded:
You nailed it, that’s exactly our situation. It’s not working out, to be honest lol. I have far more self esteem than when I first started dating this man. I have done a TON of personal development, therapy, and trauma healing over the past several years.
I dearly love this man and have fought like hell to make it work, but it’s becoming more and more apparent to me that he does not want to truly be a partner in a relationship.
ForeverMoody wrote:
NTA. The whole point of the custody agreement is so they see their father. They might as well stay with their mother on that day. You're right, it's sending the kids a bad message.
Cali_Holly wrote:
NTA. How wonderful for your husband. He gets to continue with his interests and hobbies all year round. Because why not? He has YOU to take over HIS responsibilities and babysit HIS rambunctious preteen boys.
But seriously? He needs to take a break from his hobbies during the summer when his boys are there every other week. It’s not fair to leave that all up to you. And I hope that you have your own interests and hobbies so that you aren’t always at home which gives your husband the impression that you will always be available at his convenience.
Repulsive_Bed5172 wrote:
NTA. I’m not gonna lie, if he wants the fun of kids he can’t dip when it gets hard. You're not a babysitter, you're the stepmom. If he can’t be present one week on, one week off, maybe he shouldn’t have 50/50.