Father slams 'selfish fool' stepdad for treating his kids as unpaid childcare. AITA?
"AITA for telling my ex's new husband he's a selfish fool for marrying a lazy part time mom and thinking he could use my kids to help with his own?"
I (34m) have primary custody of my two children (11 and 13). Their mom and I were high school sweethearts who had kids too young and while I stepped up, she didn't. With our first she made some attempts, kinda, but once she got pregnant for the second time she used pregnancy as an excuse to do nothing.
She didn't have a high risk pregnancy, wasn't in pain and never expressed actual concerns for her or the baby's health and safety. But she'd say pregnant women shouldn't be standing for too long, shouldn't be near heat (to cook), shouldn't be bending over to tidy up, shouldn't be driving or pushing heavy shopping carts around, shouldn't be pushing dust around, etc.
My ex's parents watched our oldest while I worked back then and she'd text me while at work to bring her snacks or magazines, etc. And she expected me to tell work to eff off and get her that stuff there and then.
I tried to stick it out and at the time I expressed concerns for maybe a pregnancy depression or some form of early PPD but scoffed at that and no medical provider saw concerns about it. When our second child was born she continued like she was still pregnant.
Even 2 and 3 months post partum she said she shouldn't be holding things, lifting things, driving, etc. I finally had enough and we broke up when our youngest was 4.5 months old after I did all I could to try and find an excuse. I just had to accept she was lazy and didn't care enough to do anything. She wasn't working either so I was doing it all and taking care of her.
I filed for custody of our kids and won very quickly because she showed up in court unprepared and only fought against it half heartedly without retaining a lawyer for the custody case.
She couldn't answer a single question about either of our children. Because she did request 50-50 they did a fitness check on her and she failed. She didn't fail enough to get no parenting time. But she was deemed unfit for 50-50 custody and so she gets every other weekend.
And yes, that every other weekend is something the kids and I hate. But I have not been able to convince her to give up her weekends or convince a court to not force it. So she sees our kids that much and they basically take care of themselves over there.
Which is documented and I have shown proof to the courts but it was not enough for removing her visitation rights. My kids need to be 16 before their voice holds any weight in the judge's decision. Any younger and the judge will not listen to what the kids want.
Anyway, my ex has been remarried for I'm not sure how long. But within the last year. Her husband has two (or maybe three because there could be twins in there) very young children (younger than 4) and he expected my kids to be around more and to help.
I'm sure he expected more from my ex as well. But the kids said from the time they met him, which is when he moved in, he's been asking for them to babysit and bond and help with childcare stuff.
They refused to help and they ignore him and ignore the very young children. But he even started asking for their help when they're with me. When my kids showed me messages he had sent I called him from my phone and I told him to leave my kids alone.
He told me the kids have younger siblings and I stopped him and said neither my ex or myself had more kids so they don't have younger siblings. They have each other. He told me he married their mom which makes his kids their siblings.
He said older kids are meant to help with younger ones and he isn't supposed to be doing all of this alone. This is when I told him that he was a selfish fool and pointed out he married my ex, a lazy part time parent who doesn't even deserve the title of parent because of how little she does, and spectacularly selfish for thinking my children existed to help him raise his kids.
I said you do not put that responsibility on kids. On anyone's kids. But especially someone else's because you do not have the right to have pre-conceived ideas of what someone else's children owe you and yours.
He didn't like that I insulted him and interfered in his marriage. I told him he interfered in MY children and as their dad and their sole parenting parent I have every right to put my foot down about what he expects out of my kids.
Since then he has tried to call me multiple times and he texted me repeatedly. And I don't block him because I would much rather he contact me than my kids. But AITA for how I spoke to him?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Your kids are not required to babysit his kids. He had no right to text them without going through you first. And I doubt he would even pay them for their help. Your ex is lazy, and it seems he is, too. I foresee a divorce in their near future.
SlimBongos (OP)
He wasn't going to pay. Not once did he offer them a dollar for their help. It was all expected to be done voluntarily. Even if it was forcibly voluntary.
NTA, I see is a parent standing upfor his children and protecting them. Also see an other parent not being present and neglecting her job to protect her children from this.
SlimBongos (OP)
That's been her as a parent this whole time. It's why I hoped the visitation could be removed long before this. She does nothing for our kids and still can't tell you a single thing about either of them. Their therapists wanted to speak to her previously and she wasn't interested.
Oh my. NTA at all. Please keep all these records. I saw a comment that you were harsh, I disagree. This man is taking advantage of children, your children and you did exactly what a parent does by sticking up for them. They will remember this. I hope this will help you with custody because they are not safe over there.
Go dad!!! That's fantastic! I got a big smile on my face because of what you said to him. Your kids are not required to lift a finger in that regard. He wants caretakers. Glad the kids did not play into that. They have a way to reach you? I would tell this guy every last thing she didn't do. Glad you set him straight and keep documents and glad you have a good relationship and keep the lines open with your kids.