'AITA for flipping out on my mom for talking to my son about becoming a big brother?'
"AITA for flipping out on my mom for talking to my son about becoming a big brother?"
My (38M) wife (38F) and I have one child together, a 6 year old son. When we got married, we agreed we both only wanted one child. A few years ago, my wife got her tubes tied. I also got a vasectomy last year, just to cover all bases across the board. We didn’t announce this to the family, but it also wasn’t a secret. We’ve had a few people ask if we’re having another and that’s usually when it comes up.
I am one of 6 siblings. Our mother was one of 8 kids. Most of my siblings have had at least 3 children, if not more. Only my brother is also 1 and done. Our mother struggles to accept this and has said several times that we’ll change our minds. Even knowing that my wife and I physically cannot have more children, she’ll always bring up adoption or say that my procedure could be reversed, etc.
My brother and I always shut it down, have told her we’re not changing our minds, etc. Recently, she was babysitting my son while my wife and I went out. We picked him up after and on the car ride, out of nowhere, my son started crying and asking if we were having another baby. We said “no.”
He said that his grandmother kept asking him if he wanted a baby sister and saying that we should have another baby, he could be a “big helper”, etc. We got home rather quickly, consoled him, and promised him we weren’t having another baby, and that his grandmother never should’ve told him this. I called my mom and got on her about this, telling her she stooped low by getting our son involved.
She said that we’re overreacting and him crying over potentially getting another sibling is ridiculous and we’re raising a spoiled child. I argued no, he’s a sensitive kid who doesn’t do great with change, and she scared him. I told her that until I can trust that she won’t say these things to him, her babysitting privileges have been revoked and she’ll only be around him if my wife or I are there.
My brother backs me up on this, apparently our mother tried the same thing with his son, and it lead to a similar argument on their end. Our sisters think we’re overreacting and that this is a natural question and my mom is right that it shouldn’t have upset my son so much. AITA?
The commenters had a lot to say in response.
1962Michael wrote:
NTA.
I think revoking her "privileges" is a good idea for now. On this topic it's a moot point, but if she's doing this then who knows what other manipulations she may try that involve the child.
In addition to reinforcing with her that you are not having more children, it's also fine to reassure your son that you are not having more children and you would never make such a decision without telling him first. Encourage him to share with you anything concerning that she might say to him, and remind him about the time she was "confused/ wrong" about you having more children.
Peony-Pony wrote:
NTA. Your mother didn't didn't give your son an extra cookie or let him have a small glass or soda, she spouted off nonsense to your son about being a big brother knowing your and you wife were one and done and had medical procedures to prevent another pregnancy. She caused a little boy unnecessary upset and confusion.
It's a matter of no longer trusting her judgement around your child. You're not preventing her from having a relationship with your child. She can continue to see him on your terms. As for the rest, your sisters will change their tune when your mother crosses the line with with one of them. And your mother just can't help herself, she'll do it to them too.
Dry-Operation-7355 wrote:
NTA. This is not about your son being too sensitive or whether you want /can have another child. This is about your mother going ridiculously over the lines and crossing boundaries. If she is going to cross this kind of boundary, what other boundaries is she going to cross. What else is she likely going to say to your son in the future in an effort to get her away.
Your mother m-nipulated a little kid all for her benefit and that's just not right. Tell your sisters that they have nothing to do with this, because they don't.This is 100% on your mother and she deserves to lose the babysitting privileges. All they're trying to do here is blame the victim and protect the person who crossed the line. The fact that she doesn't even seem apologetic is very concerning.
ReviewOK929 wrote:
NTA.
"She said that we’re overreacting."
No, she was overstepping and massively. Like WTF????? Can't go around saying shit like that to a 6 y/o.
"I told her that until I can trust that she won’t say these things to him, her babysitting privileges have been revoked and she’ll only be around him if my wife or I are there."
Honestly, seems like an appropriate reaction to her grandmotherly shenanigans. I'd cool off and take some space from her as well after that. Oh and your heavily childrened sisters are wrong...
snowmikaelson wrote:
NTA. It’s weird to me that she’s been yelled at about this once before, yet did it again. Also, not that anyone is owed grandchildren but it’s safe to assume she has, what, at least 14 grandchildren if each of your sisters has at least 3 then you and your brother have 1. How many grandchildren does she want/think she can reasonably spend time with?