'AITA for being 'selfish' towards my pregnant friend because of my own grief?' UPDATED

"AITA for abandoning my pregnant friend?"

CW: Baby loss

I don't think I'm the @$$ here but maybe I could have handled it better. My head is all over the place. Ten months ago, I (28F) got pregnant with my first child. Baby was planned and husband and I were overjoyed. Five months into my pregnancy, my closest friend (22F) announced that she too was pregnant.

Unfortunately, her partner did a runner as soon as he heard the news and, while she's a very capable person she's understandably quite daunted at the thought of bringing up a child on her own.

She also has no family support due to a rough upbringing so I was her main support (couldn't go to appointments with her due to covid) but I'd stand outside and wait and was always at the end of the phone. We'd talk excitedly about our kids growing up together etc.

Seven months into my pregnancy I experienced some bleeding and went to hospital. An emergency C-section later and my beautiful baby girl was placed in my arms. Stillborn. I had to do this alone as due to covid my husband was not allowed in, although they did move me to another room later so I could see him and we could say goodbye to our daughter together.

About a week later, my friend called me (we'd spoken briefly after I gave birth but she wanted to give me some space, which I appreciated). She was very kind and sympathetic, but then we got onto the subject of what I was going to do with my daughter's things (cot, clothes, toys we'd bought in preparation etc).

I said I hadn't been able to think about that yet and she said that she was really struggling to buy everything she needed and could we give everything to her as we won't be needing it?

I know on a practical level that makes sense but I don't know that I'm ready to part with anything yet. The more practical stuff like breast pumps and nappies etc she can have no problem but, I'd imagined putting my baby to bed in that cot and watching her play with her toys and I just don't think I can purge the house of everything just yet.

I said this to my friend and she accused me of being selfish and uncaring, it's not like we're going to be using it and she's a single mother etc. She slammed down the phone and we haven't spoken since. I feel terrible because I know she's struggling but my heart is so broken and I can't see anything with clarity because my grief is so all-consuming. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

DogsReadingBooks said:

NTA. You're not being selfish and uncaring. You lost your child. I'm very sorry for your loss. You dictate how you deal with this. Your "friend" does not get to come and make demands.

eatmoreunicorns said:

NTA. You're not being selfish or uncaring. You're grieving. Your friend should have never asked you to give her the stuff you had for your baby in the first place. That was selfish of her. She's looking at it from a "how can I benefit from this" viewpoint.

Froken_Boring said:

NTA. On the contrary. You are grieving your loss. To demand stuff that your daughter unfortunately will not need is incredibly entitled and selfish.

HighQueenOfFillory said:

NTA. I know she is struggling herself but she isn't being understanding towards what you're going through. It's selfish of her to expect you to get over it that quickly. Please don't feel guilty. I'm so sorry for your loss, and your friend should leave it alone and should understand.

Tykethxrbxrn said:

Firstly - i am so sorry for you and your husbands loss. I can't even imagine what it must feel like.

Secondly - NTA. You are grieving at the moment and parting with items you had bought for your own child will be incredibly difficult. You should explain to your friend that you understand they are struggling but you are not ready to give up with the things you have bought other than the things you mentioned were okay (pumps, nappies etc) but the more permanent things you can't bring yourself to do.

Edit from OP:

Firstly, thank you all so much for your condolences and support, it means so much. I've stopped replying to everyone because I'm a little fragile and was getting overwhelmed, I'm sorry. But I really am so grateful. Also thank you to whoever gave me an award, that was kind.

Secondly, a few of you have suggested that my friend doesn't have anyone because of how she treats people, so I want to give a bit of background here. She was very badly abused in pretty much every way possible growing up and so went NC with family as soon as she could.

The trauma of what she went through has, I think, led to her having problems forming healthy relationships and could be why few people have stuck around.

Due to the horrendous conditions in which she grew up she has had to be practical to the point of being mercenary in order to survive, and while I'm not sure if it excuses her behaviour I think it goes a long way towards explaining it. I'm probably the most stable influence in her life and I really worry and care about her.

UPDATE:

Thank you all so, so much for your kind words and also your insight into the situation. I've not been able to reply to you all but I have read every single comment. To those of you who have commented with your own experiences of miscarriage/stillbirth/deaths of children, please know that my heart breaks for you, and I wish you all the best as you heal.

I've had a long chat with my husband and we've decided the following:

1.) we're going to give my friend some money towards some of the bigger things. This won't be a lot as we don't have a lot to give, but I want to support her. She's a single mum-to-be in the middle of a pandemic and that must be terrifying.

2.) I've put together a list of charities etc that may be able to help her going forward as the money we give her will not pay for everything. This list also includes people who can advise her on what benefits she is entitled to etc.

3.) With these things I am also writing a letter telling her how much she has hurt me during what is easily the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. It will gently suggest that she gets some support with her finances through benefits and budgeting tools etc, and makes it clear that this is the last handout she can expect from my husband and I.

It will also suggest that she needs to get some therapy for everything she's been through, and that I will support her through this. I'm hoping that this will be enough to keep our friendship, god knows I need all the love and support I can get at the moment. If not, I think I can at least say I've done everything I can.