'AITA for asking my husband to cut ties with his parents and brother/SIL?'
"AITA for asking my husband to cut ties with his parents and brother/SIL?"
Green_Attention_1449
Let me start off by saying that there is a lot of negative history between my husband's family and my husband and I. There is this unspoken “competition” between my BIL and my husband.
My husband is the oldest and doesn't give a shit about competing with his only sibling. However, his brother has always made it a point to try and show off to everyone that he is the better one of the 2. It has been this way since I met them when I was a teen.
I noticed this even more once I started dating my now husband. We mostly just ignore it because to us it's immature and idiotic behaviour. From the start, I also noticed that his parents (Especially my MIL) enable his behaviour and somehow always OKing it.
My BIL has definitely let his financial status get to his head and he now 5,000% believes he is better than us because of it. Yes, we have never reached the level of financial freedom they have, but we live comfortable and happy lives.
We have taken our kids on several trips to Disney World, and other parts of the world. However, due to the rising cost of living and our family size, we have had to cut back a lot on extra expenses and are on a tight budget. We still travel locally, give our kids plenty of fun experiences and provide everything they need.
My BIL has found as many ways as possible to rub the fact he has more money than us in our faces but this latest one (to me) feels like the last straw. We have tried to take the high road as much as possible but we are tired of it, especially me.
When an opportunity presented itself, we happily moved cross country a few years ago to get away from the toxic family environment. Shortly after my in-laws decided to retire to South America where they bought a nice condo to live in while also being able to stretch out their dollars (they also don't have a lot of money).
As much as my husband and I wish we could pay for their tickets to come here and visit it’s a few thousand dollars which we can not afford. His brother has paid for them to visit him and his 3 kids. They will be here for 3 months (the whole summer).
We offered to pay for their cross-country flight so that they could come to visit us because that’s what we can afford. However, his brother made it clear to my husband that he didn’t want to let his parents come and visit for a week or 2 because he paid for their tickets out of South America.
My husband brought up this conversation to his parents and we know for a fact they want to come visit, but they also feel obligated to comply with the sibling. My husband was upset by this but his parents didn't want to argue so it stayed at that. I just learned of this today and am very upset about it. The whole situation is just unsettling to me.
He brings them here to mainly use his mom as a live-in nanny while he and his wife travel and work. They basically have to work for their room and board (this is my understanding). They are whole-ass adults and can make their own decisions.
To me, the flight tickets are a gift and they can still make their own decisions and have plans. It's like when you go on a date and a guy pays for your dinner. It doesn't automatically mean you have to sleep with them to repay them for it.
I can completely understand, not wanting to share his parents' time if they were coming here for a few weeks. But they will be here for three months. I told my husband to have the hard conversation with his parents as to why his brother's behaviour and reasoning are messed up. It's not the first time they pass up our kids for his either.
I told my husband that if they can't agree with his brother so that they can at least get a week off to come visit.... Mind you they would be coming here to relax and travel with us because we never asked them to watch our kids for us.
Then I am at a point where I think we should cut all communication off with them because they clearly don't care about our kids/us. My heart hurts for my kids because they love and miss their grandparents dearly (my parents are not really in the picture so the In-laws are the only ones they truly know and love).
They have been asking us none stop when they will come visit (and the inlaws know this too). My husband hates confrontation and I know he loves his family, but I have had enough.
So, AITA for asking my husband to cut off ties with his parents and brother/SIL?
Ps. There have been so too many instances where his brother and his wife have done passive-aggressive shitty things for me to list all of them. But here are just a few for context:
We got married young, I was 22 and my husband was 24 and decided to have kids shortly after. They got married a year after us and decided to focus on working on their careers and saving money (we were happy for them).
We are happy with our choice and knew it would come with a few extra challenges. My husband graduated from his college program a few months after our first baby was born and I got my college diploma shortly after having twins (babies 3-4).
We had a surprise baby so now have a total of 5 (ppl love to judge but don't worry we are done done 😉). We can not say we truly planned our kids down to the day of conception (like they did) because I have PCOS and my periods are VERY irregular.
It's actually a miracle according to my Doctors how easy it was for me to conceive every single one of our kids because of it (many women with PCOS suffer from fertility issues).
However, my BIL and SIL saw this as irresponsible and always talked about how they could never do that as they needed to save X amount before having a kid. We adore our kids and are firm believers that they were meant to be here/arrive when they did.
I have been a working mom but have also had long periods when I was a stay-at-home mom to save on daycare costs which did eventually make my career take a hit. My BIL asked me if it was my life's plan to just keep popping out kids and live off the government. I was completely taken aback by this comment, which he found hilarious.
They have made comments about my weight and just made fun of me for random things. Inviting us on a family vacation and then questioning us shocked as to why we can't afford over $10,000 in flight tickets/stay like it's chunk change.
Purposely planning one of their birthday parties on one of my kid's first birthdays. They told us they couldn't come (which was completely fine because our little get-together was a bit last minute, so we understood).
However, we figured out after the fact it was because we weren’t invited, but my in-laws were and they did in fact go and saw nothing wrong with the fact that we were excluded. We were also excluded from several of their family Thanksgiving dinners. The inlaws again don't see a problem with this.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
TarzanKitty
YTA. You can decide for yourself to be done with your husband’s relatives. You can negotiate with your husband on who your children have relationships with. As soon as you try and dictate who your husband is “allowed” to have a relationship with. You are in AH territory.
Green_Attention_1449 OP responded:
I think you need to read my post again. I have taken his family's insults and everything without retaliation because I love him and I didn't want to cause any problems between them. However, after 16 years of being together and dealing with them, I am tired.
I can take a lot, but now it is affecting my kids and that’s where I draw the line. LOL! If you knew how hard-headed my ♉️ husband can be then you would know that even if I wanted to dictate anything to him it would never fly.
TarzanKitty
I am not fucking reading that 30 inches of text again. You can decide who you maintain relationships with. You can’t decide who your husband maintains relationships with. Although, trying to piggyback off money BIL has spent to spend time with his parents is pretty shady.
That all being said. These people aren’t that into you. If you stopped chasing them and begging them to spend time with you and your kids. They would probably naturally drop off the face of the earth.