'AITA for asking my wife to not breastfeed because she won't follow the schedule?' UPDATED 3X

"AITA for asking my wife to not breastfeed?"

I am a STAH dad and our son is 4 months old. My wife works and is in the office 3 days a week, 2 days remote. In the past 4 months I have been the primary caretaker of our son during the day.

(Mom gets up with him at night. Unless it’s a bad night and he wakes up more than twice…then I will get up and help…mainly because she likes to breastfeed and put him back to sleep, more than twice, then we will get a bottle).

During the day I have our son’s eating and nap schedule perfectly calculated, and this results in him sleeping really well and completely through the night. Counter to what you may think, an over tired baby doesn’t sleep great, so I am very precise on feeding schedules (bottles with breastmilk) and nap times.

When my wife work from home she does not agree to follow my schedule saying “babies aren’t clocks, it’s fine if I feed him (breastfeed) now” even when he’s not crying/fussing/or ready for a bottle. The problem with this is he doesn’t eat as much from her versus a bottle so he gets hungry more frequently and doesn’t have enough before a nap to last longer than 30 minutes.

This leads to not enough sleep during the day and results in really bad nights, son not down for sleep until 11pm, up at 2am to 3am, up again at 4-5am and then wakes up at 7:45-8:15am.

So here’s the issue, I am exhausted after a full day with our son and cleaning the house and cooking dinner that I sleep really heavy the first couple of hours I go down. Once 2am-3am rolls around I can get up no problem, but I won’t be able to go back to bed. So I’ll start my day taking our son with me and I’ll start cleaning the kitchen from the night before/laundry/etc.

Once my wife gets up we start arguing immediately about how tired she is and how I didn’t help take care of our son at night…etc. This is never an issue on the days that she works from the office. Two days ago she was working from home and she asked me to bring her our son so she could feed him. I asked if we could stick to a bottle and stay on his schedule please.

He does better at night when we stick to the schedule. This apparently was the dumbest thing I’ve ever suggested…so I explained how he sleeps better at night when we follow the schedule and can eat enough in one sitting from a bottle.

I alluded to her not breastfeeding anymore and she lost it, telling me that I won’t tell her how to take care of our son and that she has as much right as a parent to do whatever she wants with our son as I do. So AITA for trying to keep to a schedule so everyone sleeps and I don’t get ridiculed for not waking up before 3am?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

corvuscoronecone wrote:

A baby's stomach is very small, though, and frequent small portions are pretty normal and natural, more so than drinking heaps in one session. Also, breastfeeding is more than just feeding. It is bonding, cuddling, builing trust and comfort.

Horror-Article7552 wrote:

Do you think she would be up for both? Maybe she can breastfeed when possible and then you can also give him a bottle after? That way she can get her bonding time and you can also keep to the schedule. I’ve been a nanny for 12 years so I completely understand how important it is to stick to a schedule that works for the baby to get the most out of sleep.

I also understand where mom is coming from because in 5 short years he’ll be in school all day and she won’t be able to bond with him as often as she does now. There’s a lot of shame and guilt in breastfeeding. It makes a lot of mothers feel like they’re bad moms if they don’t breastfeed.

cookiecrumbl3 responded:

That’s what i was going to suggest. Breastfeed first, then supplement with a bottle. Stick to the schedule. That’s a fine compromise.

Whatsinname889760 wrote:

I am a board certified lactation consultant. Your wife is right- he should eat when he is hungry. He should breastfeed as much as possible (as long as it works and makes both mom and baby happy, which it seems it does.) It is very easy to overfeed a baby with a bottle. Babies need constant circulating protein in their bodies to grow and make new cellular structures.

If you overfeed a baby, that becomes fat cells. You cannot convert fat into protein for growth. So when a baby goes too long without eating, their ability to grow cells in the brain, organs, etc., cannot happen until their next feeding. Eating smaller meals more frequently is better, and that’s what happens with breastfeeding. Nature is pretty amazing.

It is convenient to put babies on a schedule, but it isn’t ideal. Bottle fed babies are more likely to be obese in adulthood (when those fat cells fill out.) Breastfeeding does not give nutrition with every suck. Babies have more sucking needs than nutrition needs. That sucking at the beginning of a feeding releases hormones that are involved in love and bonding.

They attune the mother to the baby, and make the baby and the mom feel loved. It takes a few minutes before the milk lets down. Bottles, on the other hand, give nutrition with each suck. And remember I said babies have more suckling needs than nutrition needs? They get extra calories that result in fat cells.

It is more convenient for you, but it isn’t healthier for mom or baby to be on that bottle feeding schedule. With that said, life is a balance between everyone. It’s not only what is best for baby that matters. This seems like a small amount of control you might consider giving up. The sooner you give up controlling a baby’s schedule, the happier everyone will be.

Edit to add a judgement: You’re not an asshole, you are just trying to survive a baby. It is jarring to not be able to control a baby’s schedule. But you’ll make your self and the baby and your wife miserable if you continue to try. And you’ll lose eventually. Schedules change for all kinds of reasons. I don’t believe your baby operates around a perfect bottle clock. If you don’t let this go, YWBTA.

After receiving feedback, OP shared two updates.

UPDATE: I could have worded a few sentences above a little better so here are some clarifications: -our son does not drink formula, mom either breastfeeds or pumps her milk and freezes.

That’s what I use for the bottles -I didn’t not ask her to stop breastfeeding altogether, they have a moment together right before bed every night after I bathe him and the occasional time during the night that he’s up and fussy -mom has no problems with pumping; it doesn’t hurt her, no cracked skin, etc.

-I agree it may be more of a bonding issue than with my schedule, but struggle to agree that she needs to breastfeed all day when she’s at home and then baby sleeps horrible… and then I get blamed because I can’t wake up until 2-3am to help with the problem she’s creating.

UPDATE #2: I selectively left some details out to draw out the “men hating” trolls…

-To the people saying I need to “man up” and get a job… I do have a job but my wife is in the middle of a “career making deal” so we decided that I would take a 9 month leave so she could pursue her passion.

-I am a board certified Pediatrician and understand the importance of a baby’s schedule. If breastfeeding is impacting sleep/growth (as sleep is key to brain development) we advise moms to supplement/switch to bottles. Breastfeeding isn’t the only way a mom can bond with baby.

Breast isn’t best. A fed and healthy baby is best; regardless of milk delivery method. -a lot of solid advice on communicating and syncing up moms pump schedule with baby’s schedule…thank you, I will give that a try.

The comments kept coming.

thymelaeacea wrote:

I had a part time SAHD (my husband) and I worked out of an office 4 days a week. I agree with this completely, cluster feeding at night, the weekends, and on the days I worked at home were absolutely critical for me to continue to make enough milk. My husband had to learn to live with schedules that differed on some days, and my baby was fine with this as well.

I feel irrationally angry that he doesn’t want her to breast feed if that is what she wants to do. It calms both mom and baby. I had a horrible traumatic birth that ended in an emergency c section and had a really really hard time missing my baby when I had to go back to work at 3 months. I had to work very hard to not get too jealous of all the time my husband had with her, because I knew it was hard for him too.

But successfully breast feeding and having that time with the baby, being the only one who could give her her very favorite thing in all the world, was majorly important to preventing me falling into a bad depression and being able to keep going to work and being the breadwinner for the family.

Sorry OP, YTA and need to get more flexible and understanding of your wife and very young infant’s needs. Plus you don’t know this yet, but it feels like you have a good schedule now, you don’t realize baby will likely switch that up any day now leaving you unmoored and needing to develop a new schedule.

FormSuccessful1122 wrote:

I was really prepared for a Y T A, but this did not go as I thought. NTA. And if dad was stepping in a couple days a week and messing up mom's schedule people would be all over him and going on about how hard her full time job is. It seems like she wants to feed when she's uncomfortable, not when son is hungry.

If that's the case she needs to pump at those times. You seem to be doing a great job as SAHD and have found a schedule that works. She needs to get on board. At the very least, she needs to choose one time a day to nurse him and keep it consistent if she wants to keep that bond.

daja-kisubo wrote:

Idk who educated you about breastfeeding, but they were dead wrong abiut being on a schedule. That's not hiw breastfeeding works, and it's a great way for the breastfeeding parent's milk supply to drop or dry up, and for the baby to lose weight and get diagnosed Failure to Thrive. Breastfeeding is an on demand situation if you're going to be successful.

quirky-ad-6674 wrote:

ESH. You're right in the schedule. Babies do better that way and it sucks that your wife doesn't see that. Your baby sleeps better on the days your wife is away from the house and she can't see that the schedule you have works well. You should really try to sit down and have a clan and honest conversation about it.

On the other hand, breastfeeding is good for bonding with the baby. I'm assuming she is obviously pumping if you have breast milk in bottles. Pumping is much more painful. Doing it so much can result in dry and cracked nipples. When I did it, it got so bad that they would bleed into the milk.

So maybe she could be having problems with painful pumping and feeling like she's not having enough bonding time because of her schedule. So it sounds like you two aren't communicating your issues well. So you're both right, but your also both wrong.

After receiving more feedback, OP shared another update.

UPDATE #3: -I did not suggest Breast is not the best; I only implied that if a mom can’t breastfeed or breast feeding is impacting sleep/growth that it is okay and that breastfeeding is not the only bonding method for a mom.

A fed and healthy baby is the most important thing; part of that includes enough sleep -A 4 month old should be getting 10-14 hours of sleep per day for healthy development…three 30 minute naps and broken sleep during the night is not healthy. -no disagreement on the bond and comfort that a mom provides from breastfeeding

Conclusions: -I need to educate myself more on lactation/breastfeeding and how that affects the mom (not just the baby)

-I need to communicate with my wife on how we can work together to get better quality sleep, 1 or 2 times up per night isn’t bad at all and we can work through it;

All while giving her as many opportunities to BF as possible

-I need to consider her feelings as a mom to only a 4 month old. Thanks to all. Seems like I was teetering towards the YTA side.

The internet was still invested.

Reasonable_sale8611 wrote:

Pumping is not as good at stimulating milk supply compared to directly breastfeeding the baby from the mom. Most women who work fulltime in an office find that pumping is time consuming and that it has to be supplemented by a lot of nighttime nursing in order to sustain milk production.

Looking at the schedule you want to use, I don't see that she would be breastfeeding him enough to sustain milk production. You are correct that when the baby nurses directly from the mom, the baby takes in less milk, nurses more frequently, and that it takes more time, but you are incorrect that simply having her pump and feed him from a bottle will solve this problem.

The less she nurses him from the breast, the less milk she will make. As I said, pumping usually doesn't stimulate milk production as well as nursing directly from the mom. She's not a Milk Store that you can just order milk from so you can feed enough bottles of milk to get the baby to sleep through the night.

That said, if she expects to dictate his schedule on the days she's working from home, and her doing that results in him being up several times in the night, then it doesn't really make sense for her to complain that she is tired the next day.

Of course she is, because, by her own choice, he woke up several times in the night. I feel like her logic is missing a step here. I'm not really sure how to answer your question.

The average stay-at-home-mom would be very tired at this point because a 4 month old baby that is breastfed is usually waking multiple times per night to eat, as well as still eating many times during the day. So, I don't find myself particularly sympathetic to your complaints that your 4-month-old baby doesn't sleep through the night and that you are tired because you then have to take care of him all day.

That's normal. On the other hand, because of the sleep deprivation, the average stay-at-home-mom of a 4 month old baby isn't doing much besides keeping herself and the baby alive, so your schedule of cleaning and cooking dinner for your wife as well as doing the night-time care and all the baby care during the day, may not be sustainable.

I think you and your wife need to choose whether you are supporting her breastfeeding journey or you are keeping the house clean and dinner on the table by 6. I'm torn between ESH (except the baby who is just being a baby) and NAH but I guess I'll go with NAH.

Lushpetalsx wrote:

She’s prob already feeling disconnected from him bc of work, so ofc she’s gonna take every chance she gets to feed him herself.maybe instead of shutting it down, talk abt adjusting the pump schedule so baby still gets full feeds n she still gets her moments.

NotWise_123 wrote:

It is so hard to be a working mom. And also hard to be a SAHD. I think you both need to talk. She needs to, biologically, bond with her baby, so I don’t think you can ask her not to breastfeed when that’s the primary way of them bonding and since she works, she doesn’t have too many opportunities. There might be some wiggle room for her respecting the schedule though aside from that.