'AITA for telling my son the real reason I broke up with my ex who he was close to?' UPDATED
I posted a week or so ago in this group about my (ex) girlfriend who wanted me to lie about the fact that my son was the result of me having a child as a teenager with a woman who now identifies as a lesbian (my first post). She was from a religious family, although claimed to not be "overly" religious herself, and felt uncomfortable because my son was: 1. born out of wedlock
2. born when we were teenagers, accidentally 3. my son is still close and I am still friends with his mother, who is now married to a woman. I posted here, got a lot of good feedback, and when I brought some of my concerns to her, she gave me an ultimatum between my son's truth & her desire to lie to her parents to "make them like me."
We parted ways after that conversation, and she moved out a couple of days ago and back in with her parents. My son lives with me during the week, and with my ex and her wife on the weekends. Because of the current world situation, he's been staying with me to avoid the complication and for safety/health. My son was initially unaware of the lies my ex-gf wanted to tell her family about him and his life,
and I didn't think he needed to know, because I did not intend on following her suggestion. When we finally broke up due to the issue, I still did not think I needed to divulge the information regarding the details of the breakup to my son. I thought it was unnecessary, because the damage was done and she was gone.
My son really liked my girlfriend. She was really friendly and fun to be around. They enjoyed playing video games together, and they were both into some of the same music and both loved to cook. I know he viewed her like a step-mom, and that he lost someone too during all of this. He is REALLY upset, and has shown anger towards me for ending the relationship.
He is 15 and very mature, but I don't think anyone is ever mature enough (or should have to) hear the hateful things that someone else has said about their lifestyle. I know if my son heard that her family was homophobic and that she was suggesting we LIE about his life and upbringing that would really upset him, but I also want him to understand that although he misses her, her leaving was for the best.
I told my ex (his mother) about the situation, and she suggested I tell him, because no one should be pitying "the homophobe" or protecting her because she was the reason it ended, and she was the one being bigoted. She says I owe him the full story, that he is almost an adult and wouldn't walk around saying how much he missed her is he knew the real story as to why she moved out.
My mother says that he doesn't need to know because it would sour my son's view of my ex-gf, which is needless considering she is already gone.
WIBTA if I told him the truth, that we broke up because she wanted me to lie about the circumstances in which my son was born?
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
tiacalypso said:
NTA (and your ex is). However, I would go about this diplomatically. If your son shows resentment towards you for leaving your ex-girlfriend or pity for the ex-girlfriend, OFFER to tell him the truth. But warn him that the truth will be hurtful and it will change how he sees your ex-girlfriend. That way, your son can reject the offer or accept it.
Tell him that you will tell him the hurtful truth if he wants to hear the truth and he needs to sleep on it to decide. The earliest he can tell you his choice of taking up your offer is the following morning. That way he can think about it and make a choice for himself. He is 15, not an adult but not a young child either.
xanif said:
NTA. Your initial post was about honesty. You should be honest now. She's not the last homophobe he'll ever encounter in life.
Chocobo_chick said:
NTA. Hes 15 this is an excellent opportunity to teach him an unfortunate lesson about the reality of the world and that being true to yourself and your beliefs often means making difficult choices. Ultimately your ex is correct; and while your mom might be right about his view of the ex-gf being soured...so? We dont need to be defending blatant homophobes from the consequences of their actions.
TLDR: Your son is old enough to be told the truth and is capable of understanding the truth that you chose honesty and inclusivity at the expense of your relationship with you're ex-gf over shame and bigotry at the expense of his, yours, and his mother's reality.
Verdict: NTA.
OP later shared this update on the situation:
Hi guys! Thank you again for all of the responses. They solidified my gut feeling, to be honest with my son, always, even if it may hurt. Last night I read hundreds of these replies, and this afternoon I sat down with him. My son (15m) was playing ps4, and I asked him if he was up for a talk of heavy nature, he said yes and I began to tell him about the nature of the conversation I wanted to have:
I told him that I understood he was angry with me for cutting ties with my ex-gf whom he really liked, but that I thought he would feel differently about the scenario if he knew why we broke up. I offered to tell him why, and warned him that it may be hurtful. Thank you to tiacalypso (top commenter) for suggesting this because it really helped me approach this.
I explained that ex-gf came from a very religious family, one which did not agree with homosexuality, premarital sex, or divorce/"breaking up" a family. I told my son that my ex-gf was not comfortable with her parents knowing the backstory of his life, and that she suggested I lie about it if it ever came up.
I also made sure to make a point that although she wanted to hide it from HER FAMILY. it does not mean my ex disliked him, or necessarily felt the exact same way, but that I could not stay with someone who suggested lying about the thing I am proudest of in my life - him.
He told me "you're stupid dad, I have been dealing with people telling me having two moms is weird since elementary school. I wrote a poem about it" He has never come to me upset about this topic before, so I was confused, and felt like I was kinda a failure of a father that I hadn't been comforting him through that prior. He claims it has never been a big deal to him.
He also went on to talk about The Bible, and specific passages which discuss homosexuality, divorce, etc. Basically, my son is 10x smarter than I will ever be. He apologized to me (unnecessarily, but appreciated) for giving me the cold shoulder for the last week, because he didn't know the reason we broke up. He told me he thought it was because I was annoyed by the fact that she is vegan LMAO.
Long story short, I have an amazing son who is WAY BETTER equipped to handle conflict than I knew, even as his parent, and I am so proud. I really hope this is the last time you will ever hear from me lol.