'AITA for breaking my children’s vegan diet imposed on them by my ex?'
"AITA for breaking my children’s vegan diet imposed on them by my ex?"
Before you all jump down my throat, give me a chance to explain. I was with my ex “Venus” for over 10 years, from when I was 15 until I was almost 26. I am currently 31. Venus was raised a vegan and has never (to my knowledge) eaten meat or any animal product. While we were together, we had 3 boys, M11 “Mercury,” M9 “Jupiter,” and M7 “Mars.”
When I first got into the relationship with Venus, I started to follow the vegan diet because she wanted me to, and I’ve mostly followed it even after we broke up, mainly out of habit. During this time, I had to be very careful with what I ate to ensure I got the proper nutrients, and my food bill every month was sky-high. I also had a lot of issues with depression and anxiety.
About 3 months ago, I slowly started to reintroduce meat into my diet, and since then, I’ve felt so much better. I haven’t had to buy loads of vitamins or carefully plan my diet to ensure I got every amino acid or avoided deficiencies, and my food bill dropped.
I also started doing research into kids who are raised vegan and found some things that made me nervous. I read that vegan kids can sometimes be shorter and might need supplements for things like B12, calcium, and iron if they aren’t getting everything they need from their diet.
None of my boys have started puberty yet, which might be okay, but since I hit puberty at around 9, it got me worried about Mercury. They’re also all in about the 5th-15th percentile for height and weight, which made me want to check in with the doctor, which also made me very concerned after I learnt that their vegan diet could have impacted this.
I was never a short kid, but idk I think I just assumed they were just short for their age. When I brought my concerns to our GP, he recommended introducing meat and animal products into their diets first to see if it would help with growth before considering other options.
So, following that advice, 6 weeks ago I decided to slowly introduce animal products into their diets whenever they had their time with me, but it has been slow. I don't want to introduce it too fast and I gave them the choice with all the information I had and with what the doctor said.
I informed Venus about this and she was furious with me, saying how I’m just doing it to be vindictive to her, when I’m not. And that if I don’t stop she is going to go back to family court and get the Child Arrangements Order changed so she has full custody of the boys and I only get visitation.
I told her that this was recommended by their GP and she said I had ‘no right in going to the GP without her’, when that is not true, it was during my time with them I am entitled to do whatever I want.
She’s calling me cruel and she’s been telling our boys that they should refuse to eat any animal products and to say I’m forcing them. When this isn’t true and every time they’ve been over they’ve loved trying new foods like real milk, eggs, etc. some they don’t like which is fair. AITA?
The internet strangers did not hold back one bit.
Remote-Passenger7880 wrote:
"She said I had ‘no right in going to the GP without her’,"
I'm curious if she involves you in all medical visits during her time. "Right" implies a legal issue, what does your custody agreement say about medical stuff?
NTA. I'd recommend getting medical documentation for the inevitable custody battle that's coming your way. It's weird af that only she gets to decide their diet and I really can't see any court enforcing her diet onto others.
OP responded:
No, and I don't think our CAO has anything on medical issues. I agree with you.
hubertbrunette wrote:
I don't know where you live, but you might want to check on your custody agreement, and see what options you have. It could be useful to get a full blood panel done on the kids.
Yes, you have to be really deliberate about getting everything you need if you're vegan. It's possible, but complicated. (And eating meat doesn't guarantee you're getting everything either.) It would be good to know whether the kids have deficiencies. NTA.
OP responded:
The doctors are very unlikely to order a full blood test unless they were presenting with symptoms of something, it's something I hate about the NHS they are very much reactionary instead of proactive. I think if they spent more time in preemptively checking for diseases it would actually save money in the long run.
I was shocked when my American friend told me they had a check up every year even when nothing was wrong with them. If you went to the doctors here and asked for a check up, they would ask "why?" and if you said you just wanted a check up without a specific reason they would laugh you out the surgery.
Existing-Tax7068 wrote:
I am vegan and believe that you can bring up healthy vegan children. I also believe that when you have joint residency, you have to accept that the other parent will have their own rules. I had shared residency with my two older children (until the ex got bored of them). I didn't like the way my ex parented. The kids didn't have an issue with different rules in their different homes and have grown up fine.
I also expect my children to make their own choices once old enough. For example, I think McDonald's is an unethical junk food company, but at 13 my youngest wanted to try the McPlant burger, so I let them. I don't think you should eat animals, but it is a legal, socially acceptable choice, and your ex has to accept that.