'AITA for canceling my wedding because my fiancée won't let my mom live with us?' UPDATED

"My mother raised me and deserves to live with me!"

No_Shine5330 writes:

So, me (26M) and my now ex-fiancée (27F) had been dating for a little over 4 years when I asked her to marry me, and she said yes. Now, here's the problem: as we were planning the new house we were going to buy, I talked to her about having a room for my mother (60s F) as she'd live with us after we got married.

I had discussed with her many times while we were dating that my mom would live with us because, simply put, I'm an only child, and my mom raised me as a single mother after she divorced my father (due to abuse).

She never had a new boyfriend, nor did she ever remarry. Her entire life was dedicated to raising me alone, and also, my mom and I are each other's only living relatives; we have no family besides each other.

My fiancée said that she did not want my mother living with us, and when I asked why she didn't say anything when we were dating, she said that she thought I'd get over it and we could put her in a home. This I absolutely refused.

I was furious because my mom had always treated her as her own daughter and had never been one of those rude and evil mothers-in-law. I gave her an ultimatum that if my mother couldn't live with us, we wouldn't get married, and yeah, we broke up.

Now her side of the family and her friends are calling me an asshole, but I don't think I did anything wrong since I made it clear when we were dating that my mother would live with us.

Update:

Our family has a history of dementia settling in around the early 60s, and my mother has started to show signs of forgetfulness. That's why I want to keep her as close as possible. I will be the primary caregiver. She has plenty of savings to cover the cost of her treatment and two apartments in her name - one she currently lives in and one we have put on rent.

After moving her in with me, I will sell one of them and hire a full-time nurse when her dementia starts getting worse. We were never planning on having children, nor did I ever expect her to quit her job or stay at home to take care of my mother.

I understand that it'll be tough, and it should be mainly my responsibility, but she raised me through tough times all on her own, and I will not turn my back on her now that it's my turn to help her.

My mother has only recently started showing signs of dementia; up until a few years ago, she was doing just fine, but now her health is slowly starting to deteriorate. We are independently wealthy due to my mother founding and then selling her own company. Money will not be an issue, and I can easily hire help.

I understand that what I asked for was a big request, so I was ready to buy a two-story home or something like that, but she just wanted to put her in a home and be done with it.

Here are the top comments:

LifeForever6893 says:

Dementia patients need constant attention as the disease progresses. I wouldn’t know what your fiancé was imagining but could she thought that your mother is living alone now just fine, so why have her move in with the two of you. You would lose all privacy.

Newly married couples need privacy. Then when the disease process that she would be put in a home. Unless your extremely wealthy and can hire help caring for a dementia patient is far to much for two people.

If there is no way to salvage this relationship with her then may I say have your mother move in with you now. Before you start another relationship. That way any woman will know exactly what her future will look like with you. Also you will get a chance to understand what you’re thinking of taking on.

Top-Bit85 says:

Maybe you can find some sort of duplex, where your mother is close but you both have your privacy. It's too late for this woman, and that's fine under the circumstances. But very few women in their twenties and thirties would be happy living with a woman in her sixties who could go on for decades.

milkibuns says:

This is a sucky situation all around. I’ve seen first hand with my aunt and uncle how far their relationship deteriorated after he moved in my grandma. And they have been married for over 30 years.

Sorry it ended things with your finance but I can’t see a lot of people being willing to help be a caretaker for someone with dementia especially so early after getting married and wanting to settle down. She definitely shouldn’t have assumed you’d change your mind, but I also can’t blame her for leaving. NAH (No A^&#oles Here).

Ok-Occasion7179 says:

After seeing your comments that your mom is worth at least 7-8 million I find your solution to be unreasonable. You have A LOT of options besides the one you've proposed. Married couples need privacy especially in those first few years.

Buy a big home with a big in-law suite and a full time caretaker or put her in a top of the line retirement community. A lot of the nice ones have net worth requirements. Many times they won't take people that are a fall risk so you'd be advised to get her into one of those before an official diagnosis.

Decent-Revolution455 says:

NAH - Fiancé may have misunderstood or you weren’t clear. Mom moves in with us when she can no longer live alone (mid-70s-ish) is VERY different from mom (60) moving from her apartment, where she currently lives alone, to our house as soon as we get married.

Mom will likely live another 20-30 years, and most of your marriage will be spent living with your mother. It’s not that the fiancé doesn’t like mom; this is a huge stressor on a new marriage.

Quick question - what does mom want? I’m a 53-year-old mom, I adore my kids (in their 20s) but I want to live with them like a hole in the head. I don’t want to be a burden to them, and I also don’t want to live under someone else’s house rules.

Am I supposed to cook all the meals again like when they were children? No grandkids yet, but I also don’t want to be their live-in nanny. Absolutely, I’ll help and babysit, but I raised my kids and they can raise theirs. I would feel horrible if my son broke off his engagement over me living with them when I currently live on my own.

My suggestion - mom moves into a senior’s community. There are some supports available if she needs them, and maybe she can make some friends her age as a bonus.

What do you think? Should OP have canceled his wedding over his mother.