'AITA for choosing a wedding date that is the same month as my sister’s wedding?'
"AITA for choosing a wedding date that is the same month as my sister’s wedding?"
I (30F) and my BF (30M) are “unofficially” engaged. When we started dating in 2022 we discussed marriage, kids etc and figured we’d probably want to get married in 2025. At the start of this year my BF asked to go ring shopping but wants to “surprise” me with a proposal so we’re holding off on an official announcement.
The thing is, we’ve been really excited and talking about it a lot to the point where we accidentally started planning the wedding. I know it sounds bizarre but honestly we’ve enjoyed laying the framework in secret because there were no outside opinions and the big decisions would be fait accompli by the time we announce it.
Also when he told his family that we were ring shopping, his SIL said it was weird that we were ring shopping before being engaged so we’re not keen to be told that we’re being weird again.
My sister (33F) and her fiancé (34M) got engaged 2 years ago and there were no wedding plans but last year she mentioned potentially doing it in 2025 and told us to block out June - September.
Maybe I should’ve said something then but it seemed a bit silly and obnoxious to be like “I think I’m getting married then too” when we really hadn’t made that commitment and she was the one who was engaged.
Now to where I might be TA. My BF found the perfect venue and the only viable date they had was in August so we provisionally booked it. While talking to my sister last night, she said she is now thinking about August so I had to tell her. She got angry because she’d already told everyone not to make plans for those months so that we can be available for her wedding.
I suggested she could choose another month since she hasn’t planned anything but “I got engaged first so I should have first choice." She also says planning a wedding at the same time will split the family’s attention which is bad for both of us so I should wait until after her wedding to get engaged but that’s a no from me.
Her final argument, and the only one that makes me question my decision, is that it’s cruel to do this considering I know how long she waited to be able to have her moment and this is really important to her. She and her fiancé had been together for 10 years before he proposed and I know she’d been waiting for at least 5 of those years.
I don’t want to hurt my sister but I really don’t see the issue. Yes, it’s not the ideal situation but she’s having 20 guests at a destination wedding in Italy while we’re having a "traditional" wedding with 150 guests in the town where I grew up. There won’t be guest overlap apart from the immediate family so as long as it’s not on the same day, it should be fine right?
The venue we chose really is perfect for what we want and I’ll be away for work for a big chunk of the year so the date is ideal. We could cancel and search for a different venue but I really don’t want to unless I’m being TA here. My family know now but none of them want get involved so, AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
ResoluteMuse said:
Your sister is being ridiculous because she allowed herself to be strung along for 10 years. She gets a day, not four bloody months. She’s also had TWO YEARS to pick at date and make a plan. Your perfect venue fell into your lap. Book it. Happy planning! NTA.
adventu_Rena said:
NAH. But tell your sister to think long and hard about a wedding in Italy in august. It’s scorching hot, their main holiday month so everywhere is fully booked and more expensive. She’d be better off having her lovely Italian wedding in June or September. Source: am Italian, been to many Italian weddings.
professionaldrama- said:
I think I’m gonna get downvoted for this but couldn’t care less. YTA. She already told you her timeline and you just preferred to be sneaky and didn’t even say one word about it back then but suddenly you’re the one who got the venue! That’s distasteful to me.
Yes, you can’t block people have their wedding whenever they want but you weren’t even nice enough to give her a heads up. For all we know you can be at your honeymoon during her wedding so you can’t join.
Immediate family still has to pay for their dress, transportation, hotel even if they don’t help your weddings so they might be forced to choose one of you. Honestly, if I were your sister I would reconsider if I want to come to your wedding and if I did, I would just sit and do nothing like someone you invited out of courtesy.
I don’t find your intentions innocent and I think you just want to be under the thunder too. You don’t even give her a chance to have her thunder and hijack her plans. She probably doesn’t know what to do right now. I hope she has the wedding she wants but if I were her you wouldn’t be in I considering you just want the thunder.
takeyourcrumbs said:
YTA Completely agree, all this and they're not even technically engaged but she's finding a way to ruin it for her sister.
Sloppypoopypoppy said:
ESH - Not only have you completely ignored what your sister said re dates, but going to weddings is expensive. So those guests going to both (your family) are going to have to fork out twice in a relatively short period of time. I do think that asking people to block out three months to be a wedding guest is excessive.
If it’s in reference to your booking a wedding, then fair enough. If you knew that you intended to get married next year, I’m not sure why you didn’t say anything sooner when she said that she was?
OceanBreeze_123 said:
Nobody knew you were planning a wedding & she asked way in advance to block out that time period for her wedding. Yet you did NOT block it off? And scheduled your own wedding for that time instead? YTA. Team Sister on this all the way.