Woman faces ultimatum from husband over his relationship with wealthy sister; 'she gave us our house.' AITA?
"AITA for choosing my sister over my husband??"
More-Hedgehog5908
I'm(32F) married to Bob(34M), and together we have two children, Dennise (7F) and Dan(6M). I'm not a very impressive woman, I work as a kindergarten teacher and have a pretty normal lifestyle.
I have a very good relationship with my sisters, Mag, 29F, and Sofia, 25F. Mag is awesome, she works at a bank and has a lot (A LOT) of money, plus a lot of investments, she is smart and she is beautiful, she is funny in a sarcastic way.
Sofia is amazing as well, she works as a tour guide in our city, her income is a bit low since she has an autoimmune disease that was detected a few years ago, but it was a year ago that the disease got worse, so she had some problems, but everything changed afterwards, so I want you to keep this in mind.
Needless to say, out of us girls, Mag is the most financially successful, when we were kids, she was our parents' golden child, and being the older sister, I always suffered the consequences, but despite this, Mag confronted our parents as a teenager and constantly fought with them over the unfair treatment our parents had towards me and Sofia.
My parents were not happy with Mag's confrontations, and they started to push her aside calling her arrogant and conceited, giving attention to Sofia and me. Mag never cared and remained defiant, and when she moved away from my parents, she really blossomed. Mag soon became successful, she was very bright and got many scholarships abroad, finished college early, and got a good job.
The thing to know about Mag is that even though she has a lot of money, she doesn't see the need to spend it on things she considers superficial. She doesn't give presents, not for birthdays or any other celebrations, she doesn't celebrate Christmas or any other holiday, because she doesn't consider it important.
Despite this, Sofia and I always gave Mag presents, even though she never gives us any. We always take her out to eat and she never pays. We always invite her to events and my children adore her, because she knows many things that my husband and I don't know.
My husband can't stand her, because even though I don't spend the family's money on my sister, he felt very offended that I spent my money on my millionaire sister, and he also gets irritated that she talks about scientific things with our children and says that she's just trying to prove that she's smarter than everyone else.
He thinks I have an inferiority complex, that since my parents made me give her our toys when we were younger, I was used to giving everything to Mag and the fact that she would later fight with them over me and Sofia, made me see her as a deity.
And after certain events, she has asked me to cut off my "unhealthy" relationship with Mag. Bob wants me to stop talking to her and cut her out of my life, or Bob would divorce me. But I told him that if he gave me an ultimatum, I would rather divorce him than walk away from my sister. However, I want to mention what makes me choose Mag's side.
As I mentioned, Sofia has an autoimmune disease, and it requires a lot of medical treatment, and a year ago, Mag seeing that Sofia was going through more economic and health problems lately decided to pay for the best health insurance she could find for Sofia. Needless to say, Sofia was more than happy.
Mag didn't make a big deal out of it, and I found out because Sofia told me. But I was very proud of Mag, because even though she doesn't give gifts for Christmas, she is willing to do things like that. And at the beginning of the year, Bob and I were having financial difficulties because Bob was fired, so Mag bought us a house, a f'ing house.
Bob was elated but this elation did not last long when he saw that the house was only in my name, and since it is a gift, it is not part of the marital assets. Bob did not show this unhappiness, and pretended in front of Mag, and in these months, he has given all kinds of gifts to Mag.
For example, on her birthday, he gave her an expensive telescope (something that, honestly, I do not understand, because Mag already has one that is much better, I told Bob but he insisted because "the thought is what counts"). He has also joined me when I invite my sister to eat or somewhere.
Mag cannot stand my husband, so she has told him directly several times that she does not like him and although she is willing to have a cordial relationship with him, she is not his friend and he does not even like her. Bob was very embarrassed when she spoke like that and got angry with me for not defending him, but he did not dare to say anything to her.
But today I reached the limit, as Mag told him straight up that no matter how many gifts he gives her, or how many times he takes her out to dinner, she will not give him anything, she will never give him anything, and the only thing she will help him with is the college funds he has for our kids (something that surprised me, I didn't know Mag had set up college funds for them).
My husband didn't say anything and was silent throughout dinner. Now, when we both get back home, my husband has yelled at me, because he has been paying for my sister's lunches and dinners for months and will never get his "compensation."
My sister never refused to let him treat her even though she didn't like me, which made her an idiot to him (I usually paid, but my husband insisted on footing the bill sometimes).
I told him that Mag never asked him to pay, and that I was going to pay for her, so I didn't understand his point. And that yes, she was a bit of an idiot, but that was Mag, and that even though he was mad at her, he was still living in a house that she gave us. And he said that she gave it to me.
He told me that I had to stay away from my sister because clearly she was sick and so was I, that there was a power dynamic in our family and clearly Mag expected everyone to bow down to her just because she had money and great education.
And that our parents were the only sane ones. Of course I refused, I love my husband, but Mag wouldn't give me an ultimatum like the one my husband has now given me.
I talked to Mag, and she says that she knows she's an idiot for agreeing to my husband inviting her, but that ultimately she didn't care that she was an idiot and she didn't care that anyone thought that of her, and that these dinners were her payment for putting up with my husband. I scolded her but she didn't care.
And a few minutes ago I talked to a friend and she told me that I'm too attached to my sister if I really prefer to break my marriage for her, but I think I wouldn't break my marriage for her, but because I can't be with someone who takes me away from my family. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Bad_at_Haikus
It kinda sounds like Bob's got a bit of an inferiority complex.
NTA. Straight up, you shouldn't be put in a position where you feel like you have to choose.
Weareallme
NTA. If someone forces me to choose between people, I will always choose against the person forcing me. I will not be blackmailed. Everyone that knows me knows that. After this happened a few times nobody tries to pull that shit on me anymore.
FluffyPal
NTA. Your husband feels inferior to your sister. She has a better job, better life, probably better looks, etc. He’s trying to leech off of her and it’s not working because he’s fake. It’s cool that you love your husband but he sounds terrible to be around. He has an inferiority complex to her and he’s taking it out on both of you.
Mysterious_Win_2051
Your husband is jealous of your sister and is trying to kiss her bum so she can spend some of her money on him. Your sister see right through it and isn’t falling for the non sense. Your husband is now mad and want you to cut off your sister to take his side. Don’t take his side. Your husband is a gold digger.
notsoreligiousnow
ESH. Your husband is right that you seem to have your sister on a pedestal simply bc she’s wealthy. She isn’t as humble as you think she is either. Take off your rose colored glasses about her and accept she is toxic and she pulls your strings like a puppet master even though you don’t realize it.
Your hubby sucks bc he’s equally toxic and seems to suffer from some sort of inferiority complex. Then again, you constantly push him aside in favor of your sister so yeah, I can see why he’d snap. She hates him and she makes sure you know it so you always pick her side. Frankly all three of you are AH.