'AITA for coming to my brother's wedding with an invitation?' 'Things took a turn.' UPDATED

"AITA for coming to my brother's wedding with an invitation?"

I (33M) recently attended my younger brother's (31) wedding, and I'm struggling with something that happened there. I'm aware that reaching out to the internet for advice isn't always the best decision, but I realized this issue involves a lot of personal bias and feelings within my family, which is why I could use some outside perspective.

A little backstory: My brother and I didn’t have the best relationship growing up. I wasn’t a good older brother to him or our other siblings, and part of that was because I was an immature, insecure kid who targeted my brother specifically a lot. In fact, I was downright awful to him at times. We come from a conservative family, and while that’s not an excuse, it was part of why I behaved the way I did.

This didn't change until we were both adults, but I’ve since grown up, realized how wrong I was and solved out some internalized problems. I have apologized to him several times over the past few years. He’s been polite, but things have been distant. I only see him on special occasions like family birthdays and holidays, but even those are rare.

A few months ago, I got an invitation to his wedding, which surprised me. I hadn’t spoken to him about it, but after talking with my sister, I decided to go. It felt rude not to. At the wedding, I mostly spent time catching up with family, and after a while, I went to say hi to my brother when I saw him at the gift table.

That’s when things took a turn. Before I could even get a word out, he already looked uncomfortable. We exchanged the usual pleasantries, but there was this underlying tension I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Then, out of nowhere, he told me he hadn’t wanted me there at all.

He said that while his husband had insisted on inviting me, he himself wasn’t ready to have me at such an important event in his life and that I should've known that. I was stunned. I didn’t know what to say and was embarrassed. The conversation ended awkwardly. Feeling embarrassed and unwelcome, I left the wedding early and spent the rest of the day overthinking everything.

It’s been a few days, and I haven’t contacted my brother since. My other family members are split, with some saying maybe I should’ve known better. I’m unsure if I should reach out to him or just give him space. It’s not that I don’t understand why he feels the way he does, but at some point, I feel like his resentment is making things worse.

It’s putting our family in this awkward position where people start taking sides, and it feels like I’m constantly being judged for something I’ve already apologized for multiple times. I don’t want our family to keep seeing me as the person I used to be, because that’s not who I am anymore. So, AITA for attending his wedding when I was invited, but apparently not welcome?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Worth-Season3645 said:

NTA…for attending a wedding you were invited to, but overall YTA. “At some point, his resentment is making things worse, putting your family in an awkward position”. No, you did that from years of abuse towards your brother. (Which I am going to guess is because your brother is gay).

Now, that you are grown up, you just expect your brother to forgive and forget? That is never going to happen. You may be cordial from now on, but I do not think your brother is ever going to get over what you did in his formative years and you are never going to have a close, brotherly bond.

AvocadoJazzlike3670 said:

YTA just because you apologized it doesn’t take the long term abuse away. You admit you were horrible and you think a few apologies will fix it?! You’re wrong. You are being judged because of your actions. These are the consequences for your bad behavior. If you say you’re a better person prove it.

You don’t prove it by saying he is creating issues with his resentment. Wrong thing to say and think. This is your mess. Don’t you dare put any of this on him. Give him space. Don’t try to convince others you’re better. Show them. Give him time. You owe more than a few apologies

Used_Mark_7911 said:

YTA. You did not receive an invitation addressed to you and you did not RSVP. You assumed you were included in a general “family” invite and just showed up. Your brother is right in saying that you should have known better.

While I’m glad to hear that you have grown up and realized you treated your brother unfairly in the past, your change in attitude doesn’t automatically entitle you to his forgiveness. It not actually clear to me that you have made any sincere efforts to make amends. I think you still have some more growing to do.

Appropriate_Art_3863 said:

YTA - Buried the lead that you bullied your gay brother. Reverse positions and put yourself in his shoes. It’s relevant. Home is your safe space and you took that from him. Accept that an apology won’t clear the slate.

Zestyclose_Gur_8889 said:

NTA and YTA. You were invited. You didn't know you weren't welcome. You did the right thing by leaving. You think he needs to suck it up and get over it? You admitted you were horrible to him. Put yourself in his shoes. Would you have been happy to see you?

SomeoneYouDontKnow70 said:

NTA. He invited you, and you went. If he didn't want you there, he shouldn't have sent the invitation. From the sound of it, his husband wanted you there.

UPDATE:

Hello again. It's been four days since I posted about my brother's wedding that I was 'invited' to but not welcome at. I didn't expect to receive this many comments on my post. Even though I received the "NTA judgement," I do believe many of you said I was the a-hole overall, and I'm willing to accept that.

I didn’t intend to withhold important information to tilt the verdict in my favor, in fact, I appreciate so many people holding me accountable for my irresponsible behavior. I did not reach out to my brother after the post.

While I was considering sending a letter at some point or maybe indirectly sending a message through someone he trusts more than me, it was not necessary because as it turns out: my brother isn't as passive anymore as I thought he was.

Last night, I received an email from him (and his husband), apologizing for the incident at the wedding and explaining why it happened. Their MC (who is also a good friend of theirs) had not communicated my last-minute decision to attend their wedding, which is why my presence caught my brother off guard.

He admitted to not being ready to see me, even though my intentions weren't bad. Thankfully, the incident was something he was able to forget during the day, and only been nagging on him a few days after, which is why he sent the email.

I responded with a brief apology on my part and I said I would keep my distance from now on. I added that if he ever feels the need to talk to me, he can reach out to me whenever, but that I will not force a relationship between us anymore.

I want to thank everyone for their honest judgement, advice and questions. This has been a hard but necessary wake-up call. While I’m still processing a lot of it, I’ve realized that the work on myself is far from over. My priority now is to keep focusing on personal growth and to respect my brother's boundaries.

Whether we reconnect or not is up to him, and I have to be okay with that. Thanks again to everyone for helping me see things more clearly. Take care. Edit: Just to clarify the things I left out in the original post: I didn't RSVP in time, but my sister made sure I was still able to attend, but it still caused confusion and stress at the wedding.

Yes, I was bigoted toward my brother in the past, and I deeply regret the pain I caused him. And yes, I’m still struggling with my own identity, which is something I didn’t want to openly discuss in the first post.

Here's what top commenters had to say after the update:

EitherMeaning9594 said:

I'm really glad you were able to find some closure with your brother, even if it's not the relationship you might have hoped for. Keep going at your own pace, and don’t be too hard on yourself if things don’t progress quickly.

Healing takes time— for both you and your brother. I hope this is the beginning of a healthier chapter for you, whether or not your brother decides to reconnect. Wishing you the best in your journey!

AffectionateCable793 said:

What?! You were still planning on contacting your brother before he emailed you? After you were told to leave him alone? Geez. Good thing you've now realized that leaving him alone is the best course of action. Hope you stick with that resolution. Leave your brother and his family alone.

Srvntgrrl_789 said:

NTA. I'm glad to hear you left the door open to your brother to possible future civility.

PM_ME_YOUR_CAT_VID said:

YTA just for RSVPing "no." Wedding planning is stressful enough without having to chase down the rude guests who haven’t bothered to respond.

Hot-Employment5597 said:

Yta and you know it. You really need to put in more effort and show up for your family. You had weeks to ask if he needed help physically or monetarily which would have been a good olive branch. If you had RSVP at the appropriate time he wouldn’t have been so thrown off.

2moms3grls said:

Honestly, I think you are a coward for not meaningfully apologizing. When you are strong enough, and have a great therapist, an apology letter or email is in order. My parent, who was not a good parent when I was younger, went to therapy, did the work and apologized to me in a very meaningful way.

They owned all of their behavior. It took me some time to accept that, but without them owning their behavior, recognizing the harm, and sincerely apologizing, I would not have healed from the behavior.

Don't give yourself such an easy pass. You can start with "please know I have no expectation that you will or will not reach out after this email/letter." Seems like you picked the easy path here by "giving him space."