'AITA for controlling my GF’s ‘freedom of speech' by calling her out for what I overheard?' UPDATED

"AITA for controlling my girlfriend’s ‘freedom of speech?'"

Basically what I was accused of.

My girlfriend Rachel (30F) and I (30M) have been together for five years, with a strong relationship. However, yesterday, I accidentally overheard Rachel and her best friend Emily discussing my best friend Nick's (32M) appearance.

The conversation was predominantly Rachel, describing Nick as "ridiculously hot" and "charming." Emily asked Rachel why she chose me over Nick, and Rachel replied, laughing, "As if Nick would've chosen me."

I felt hurt, disrespected, and angry. At worst, it sounds like Rachel wants to sleep with Nick. At best, she's being disrespectful to our relationship and me.

When I confronted her later in private, Rachel apologized but dismissed the conversation as "girl talk" I wasn't meant to hear.

She claimed I'm overreacting and should focus on our relationship. We argued. I expressed my concerns, and said it’s okay to have a crush but to have a crush on my best friend, who we hang out with on an almost daily basis and then to let her friend undermine our relationship is wrong on so many levels. Rachel accused me of:

Being overly dramatic

Controlling her speech

Lacking trust

This happened yesterday. We haven’t fought since but there is unresolved tension between us.

AITA?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Inevitable-Train386 wrote:

“Freedom of speech” is freedom from legal prosecution and governmental retaliation… not freedom from public judgement nor non-legal consequences for one’s actions.

Now use your freedom of speech to say “f--k you, bye” to her :) NTA.

LoopyMercutio wrote:

NTA- Well, you were clearly the second option, the consolation prize, as it were. What you do with that information is up to you. I’d be rethinking the relationship, and if I stayed in it probably not hang out with Nick as much with the girlfriend there.

Also, she knows she screwed up saying it where you could overhear it, and that’s why she is pissed about you trying to control her speech or whatever. You aren’t, she’s just trying to gaslight you into feeling bad about saying something about it.

VermicelliLonely7002 wrote:

NTA. leave her, you are a second option. "as if Nick would have picked me" tells you everything you need to know. Sorry dude.

Amyloulie wrote:

NTA. This is nothing to do with freedom of speech - that is just her trying to downplay what she knows was wrong. She basically implied that she would have chosen him over you had she not felt out of his league. That is an awful thing to say, regardless of if your partner hears it or not. If I were in your shoes, I would be considering if this relationship was worth pursuing.

Membershipimpossible wrote:

OP, I'm sorry you have this to deal with. She has basically said in not so many words that you were the consolation prize because she didn't think Nick would have been interested in her. You will never be able to unheard this, nor to look at your friend through same any longer since she s--t all over you.

How would she have felt if the conversation was reversed, she would feel destroyed.

If I were in your position, I would have to seriously consider if I wanted to remain in the relationship any longer.

Three weeks later, OP shared an update.

I don’t know how many people will be interested in this but here goes: I'm still trying to process everything that's happened since I last posted. I ended things with Rachel, and it's been a tough few days. After I confronted her about what I overheard, she completely shut down. Every time I brought it up, she dismissed my concerns, telling me I was overreacting and being too sensitive.

She made me feel like I was the one with the problem, not her. It was gaslighting at its finest. I talked to Nick about what happened. Even he was weirded out by Rachel's behavior, said she crossed a major boundary, and admitted her actions gave him the ick. Hearing that from him made me realize I wasn't overreacting.

Rachel's constant dismissal and refusal to acknowledge the hurt she caused finally made me realize I deserved better. I ended our five-year relationship. Now Rachel's telling our friends that I broke up with her over harmless "girl talk." It's infuriating because it's not the truth.

But what really got me was when Rachel texted Nick just a few days after we broke up, asking him to go for a movie. Nick told her to never contact him again and blocked her number. I'm still hurting, but I know I made the right decision. Being single is better than being with someone who doesn't respect me. That’s about it.

The internet had OP's back all the way.

Mental-Woodpecker300 wrote:

The audacity for her to seriously reach out to Nick right after you guys broke up.

Nick sounds like a ride or die homie 👍

OP responded:

He is.

Cowshavesweg wrote:

You're NTA. If Nick is telling the truth and he didn't bang her, he's a real one. Buy that man a freaking beer, and invite him over. Maybe smoke a lil and watch a movie, make the ho jealous.

OP responded:

He didn’t bang her. He’s been with his girlfriend with high school, and he’s not someone whose gonna cheat.

No-Whole-4646 wrote:

The petty in me says to tell whoever it is that she told you broke up because she would step out of your relationship to be with another person like.

“It’s not harmless girl talk when you talk about want to bang your boyfriends friends behind their back.”

chai_latte_lover0 wrote:

The temptation I would have to post a fake post on socials with Nick pretending you guys were dating is unreal. She asks you why and you could reply "I think I've always liked him but hearing you always talk about how hot he was made me so jealous because I wanted him but couldn't have him."