'AITA for correcting my friend's stepdaughter-to-be when she was rude at dinner?' UPDATED

"AITA for correcting my friend's stepdaughter-to-be?"

I (55F) met my friend's stepdaughter-to-be (14) yesterday. I introduced myself and told her it was nice to meet her. I had heard she was amazing by multiple people and I was looking forward to meeting her. She ignored me and didn't answer. I thought maybe she didn't hear me so I repeated. She put in earbuds to emphasize she's ignoring me and she walked off.

She's deliberately being rude and apparently doesn't care to meet me. Not my future stepdaughter, she doesn't have to like me, her choice. I chose not to be part of the drama and left it be. We all went out to dinner as planned. There were 9 of us total and I unfortunately ended up seated next to her at the table. Wonderful dinner aside from her ignoring everyone equally.

Anyway, I asked her to please pass the ketchup when she was done using it. She ignored me and set it just out of my reach after she used it. I asked again, no reaction. So I reached over her to get it. She started yelling at me for getting in her personal space! I told her that I'd asked her twice and she had ignored me both times. I'd kind of had it at that point.

I then added that next time to simply pass the ketchup or don't be upset when someone reaches for it. She went into complete meltdown mode. Now apparently to some, I'm the bad guy here as she's a child. A few others thought I handled it well. So AITA here or is my friends future stepdaughter a mess?

I'm literally posting on AITA over a ketchup incident. If you were wondering, she is not on the spectrum, I am. Why I'm asking. Thank you!

(Edit for clarification: I wasn't clear about the 9 of us that were out to dinner. It was a combination of adults AND teenagers. Adults at one table, teens at connecting table. Adults sat first, kids filled in. She was the last seated.)

The internet kept it honest.

Friendly_Fiasco wrote:

NTA. What is her problem with you? She seems like a brat.

OP responded:

No clue, my friends are much younger than I am. Maybe she doesn't like grandmothers???

tinyd71 wrote:

She may be a teenager, but her behaviour was deliberately rude even by teen standards! It sounds (as you wrote it) like you spoke to her in a reasonable way, and the content of your message to her sounds very factual and fair. 14 is old enough to hear factual feedback about bad manners and behaviour. NTA.

Rude_Egg_2604 wrote:

NTA.

Ketchup denial is a serious gateway condiment issue.

Expect it to escalate to mustard next.

OP responded:

😂 I love this! Ketchup denial. Escalating to mustard is just cruel!

Remarkable_Prune_835 wrote:

It just seems like a very deliberate action to be rude to you with no reason. Were you wearing an SS guards uniform? Flew in on a broomstick wearing a big pointy hat?

OP responded:

😂 Ideas!! (Edit for sarcasm clarification: meaning the hat and riding the broomstick part, not the other!!)

Itcheegazelle wrote:

Nah don’t tell your friend…tell your friend and HER DAD. Just let them know what happened both times and you don’t mind if she doesn’t want to talk to you or get to know you, but you wanted to let them know since she is not your child and she got so upset at the restaurant.

“You let me know how you’d like me to react in this situation in the future or if you prefer I simply don’t talk to her at all. She’s your child and I respect your decision, but I didn’t want to act without running it by you. I would love to get to know her, but if she’s not comfortable with that then I understand.”

OP responded:

Wise, thank you.

I_am_wood_dog wrote:

NTA! She is choosing to be disrespectful for sure and obviously she is used to getting away with it. What did your friend say/do? If the SD acts like this towards her too, that marriage is doomed before it starts.

OP responded:

My friend pretty much froze, she wasn't aware of the issue earlier, just heard her meltdown. She adores this girl, I don't want to cause an issue between them! I didn't really put my friend on the spot.

beebobber7 wrote:

This could so easily go a different way. “My dad’s/mom’s new partner know I’m already uncomfortable with this situation but made me go out with their friends to dinner and expected me to be social with them” Would love her perspective.

OP responded:

Yikes! Would be plausible if there were other strangers to her there. I was the only non-relative aside from my friend. The other adults were her dad and his family. Teenagers were a combo from the others there.

What you described would be a nightmare too!

Two days later, OP shared an update.

Thank you for your comments, it put a lot of different perspective on things. I debated what to say to my friend and her fiance about what happened. Posting this here and laying this to rest. A few things for clarification, I'm a grandmother. There was no more to the story on my end, a lot more on hers. I walked into an unknown minefield.

My friend called me a few ago to apologize. There was a huge blowup that night when they got back home. I had driven separately to the restaurant. My friends fiance handled the situation. He asked her to explain what happened in her words, apparently he had overheard me ask her for the ketchup before she exploded.

She explained that I am a "Boomer b-ch." She hates that she will have to share a bedroom. She hates her dad is getting remarried. She hates the dress she has to wear at the wedding. She hates that everyone except her loves her stepmother to be. She hates her stepsisters are prettier.

She hates everything. Her dad explained that he loves her but he also loves my friend and that the wedding is happening. My friend ended with that. No clue what their next move is but I'm out of it, not my place. I don't know if she'd been showing signs prior that no one noticed? I feel for her, I do. I feel for all of them.

My friend and her daughters are like family to me. Her fiance is a good man too. I had been told the stepdaughter really was a great kid, why I'm wondering if this was her first outburst. I truly hope her stepsisters didn't hear some bad things she had to say about them. I don't care what she thinks of me. I do care that they all have a lot to deal with before October.

I'll avoid her in the future. If she needs to have a villain in her story to cope? Fine. But dang, just pass the ketchup.

Boomer b-ch over and out.

The internet kept sharing their thoughts in the comments.

Affectionate-Page496 wrote:

I remember your original post. You seem like a kind person. Paragraph 4 of your update not at all shocking. it seems like you have some compassion for her despite her outburst. Yay for an adult acting like an adult.

I try to be consistent in that needs of minor children are more important than wants of adults. This view can be quite unpopular, but it seems like a few other commenters agree here. Adolescence is hard enough without Dad blowing up her life. It would be such a small thing for him to wait.

ScaryButterscotch474 wrote:

Oh dear. I’m unsure how great Dad is if he is still willing to go through with the wedding after seeing how it affects his daughter. Also making her share a bedroom is not on. I’m questioning why you didn’t speak with them about this or at least refer them to therapy.

OP responded:

They've been dating for several years, engaged for about a year and a half. My friend is heartbroken and has the girl's best interest at heart. She will do the right thing and I do expect therapy is already on the table. Regarding the shared bedroom, the oldest girl (17) was to get the solo bedroom and the two 14 year olds were to share. This likely will change.

Adventurous_Row2085 wrote:

He is not a good man since it is clear that he cares more about his wife to be than his daughter. No one speaks about the trauma that kids faced when a bio parent marries someone else, especially when they are bringing in another child.

professionaldrama- wrote:

Your friend’s fiancé might be a good partner but not a good that. His daughter is miserable but the wedding is still on. I wish all the best for the stepdaughter.

Your friend and his partner are forcing a lifestyle onto her and she’s suffering because of them. If I were your friend there would be no possible love to put my kids in the same house with the stepdaughter to protect both sides.