'AITA for demanding my husband leave his boys' weekend early when my sister almost died?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for demanding my husband cancel his boys weekend and come home?"

Basically my husband and I have been married about six years, and have a 3 year old daughter, Elle. Prior to getting married and having Elle, we were both very independent people. This hasn’t changed - as much as we value our couple/family time, we also both cherish time to ourselves and with our own friends.

We came up with an agreement that we each get ONE weekend a year to do whatever we like - go away, stay in a hotel, go out with friends - while the other stays home looking after Elle. It’s been working really well so far. Well this past weekend was my husbands time and he chose a fishing trip with his pals, staying in a cabin roughly 30 mins away. No problems.

Saturday morning, the worst happened - my sister was involved in a serious car wreck. She’s on life support, it’s touch and go and I’m devastated. I can’t say much more. I called my husband to tell him and ask he come home ASAP - and he refused. He said it’s his weekend, and he’ll come by the hospital Monday.

He wasn’t totally heartless, he listened to me cry and scream and reassured me she’d be ok (how do we know that?) but he was adamant that he’s enjoying the remainder of his weekend and will join me today. My family are obviously noticing his absence and I’m too embarrassed to tell them. I understand this is interfering with his weekend but this is my SISTER and she’s in critical condition.

I’m stunned, he’s never been this selfish before. I’m angry, upset, confused and I just don’t know what to do. I told him if he didn’t come home now, don’t bother coming home at all - now I’m wondering if I was too harsh because I haven’t slept in two days and I’m a wreck. AITA?

Update: I just want to clarify re: this weekend arrangement - my husband and I regularly have date nights and nights out with friends throughout the year. This “totally alone do what you like YOLO weekend” is the thing that happens once per year. He sees his friends on a weekly basis, as do I.

Update 2: Seriously never expected this many replies, I’m so touched by your kind words. Thank you, so much. It’s horrifying to me that strangers on the internet offered me more support than my husband. Apologies for not updating sooner, been at the hospital all day and not checking my phone. Mostly because I don’t want to speak to him.

My sisters still in the same condition, not breathing on her own yet. Waiting for some test results. To answer some questions: thankfully Elle is with my best friend. I didn’t want her exposed to a hospital ICU and around panicked/highly emotional family, so she’s happily having a sleepover with her “other auntie.”

I realized I made it sound like my husband and I ONLY get one weekend per year which is my fault. This one weekend (we call YOLO weekend) is on top of weekly nights out, time with friends, time alone etc. it’s more of like a chance for us to do things further afield or go nuts without having to worry about waking up early with Elle. Trust me, he sees his friends all the time. That’s what hurts the most.

I’ve read your comments about an affair and I don’t know, it doesn’t seem likely but who the heck knows at this point. He’s not the person I thought he was. He did show up this afternoon. I met him in the lobby, told him to go fuck himself, and went back up to the ICU. I don’t want him here. I’m still running on no sleep so I’m probably being an asshole now, but I hate his guts at the moment.

The verdict was overwhelmingly: NTA.

This is what some of the top commenters had to say:

EndsWithJusSayin said:

NTA - I think something as serious as a family member going on life support is fair grounds to reschedule a fishing trip.. guy needs to rethink his vows if he can't be there for you when you need him for something like this.

[deleted] said:

NTA. "he was adamant that he’s enjoying the remainder of his weekend" Just read that back to yourself for a second. His top priority is catching bass thirty minutes from you while his sister-in-law is on life support. Wow. Not only will he not return to comfort and support you, but he wants to enjoy himself while you crumble. Think about that for a while.

Also, I'm very sorry for what has happened to your sister. I sincerely hope she pulls through. As an internet stranger, it may not mean much, but I will keep you and your family in my thoughts for the best.

mdsnbelle said:

NTA. You didn’t call because you were lonely and the kid was driving you nuts. You called because your sister is on life support. There’s a massive difference and for you husband not to see that is mind boggling. Healing thoughts to your sister.

lolaecho said:

Maybe it's just me but if my SO's sibling was in a car wreck and they called me crying, I wouldn't be able to enjoy the rest of my weekend. I'm not him so I can't speak for him but it worries me how easily he can brush off something this serious. NTA of course you can be upset, you're in a state of shock.

brandidswinney said:

Dude. NTA. Personally, I'd throw the whole human out. If you having a good time is more important than being there for the person you VOWED TO BE THERE FOR UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, then he doesnt deserve you as a wife. Point blank. Hes selfish and honestly, he deserves to be left. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Verdict: a VERY resounding NTA.

Months later, she posted this pretty major update:

My first post blew up more than I ever imagined at the time, and so many people took the time to respond, offer advice, and send such beautiful heartwarming messages. I really want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for showing so much kindness to a stranger. If anybody’s interested in an update, here it is!

Most importantly, my sister - she is alive, thank God/the universe/most of all the amazing medical team she had. They were able to bring her out of the coma and there was NO brain damage which was an unbelievable relief. Unfortunately she still has a long recovery ahead of her and is essentially re-learning how to walk, but she’s alive and we’ve all grown so much closer as a family.

Update on shitbag husband: whoever suggested he might be having an affair...ding ding ding. He wasn’t with the boys that weekend; he was with a woman from work that he’d been seeing for about a month. It took him so long to get to the hospital because he was panicking and calling his friends to beg them to cover his ass essentially.

A few weeks after my sisters accident, one of his friends came clean to me when the guilt became too much. The rest of his friends continued to lie until my husband basically confessed. Needless to say we’re separated. I’m planning to file for divorce, but things have been very busy and I’ve been looking after my sister and Elle (my daughter) so it’s something I haven’t gotten around to just yet but I will.

I’m not sure what else to say, life is sort of just slowing down again and we all have to get used to this new normal, but more than anything I’m just grateful my sister is going to be OK. Thank you again to everyone. It sounds silly but reading your messages got me through those long days and nights in the hospital and you truly touched a strangers life. <3