'AITA for disinheriting my stepdaughter of 23 years after my divorce?'
"AITA for disinheriting my stepdaughter of 23 years after my divorce?"
My ex stepdaughter Carla is 27, and her mom Vanessa and I divorced 2 years ago after a 23 year marriage. It was a painful divorce because after Vanessa and I entered our mid 40s it felt like I always fulfilled my obligation to fulfill her emotionally and financially. However, Vanessa turned a blind eye to the fact that I was being neglected romantically and yes, physically.
I finally filed for divorce, Vanessa accused me of cheating, and it was difficult to now speak with Carla as more like acquaintances or friends rather than as somebody who I will see at dinner later tonight.
Vanessa and I have two kids of our own, now 18 and 13. I have recently remarried and my wife has a 4 year old son and we recently found out that we are expecting. Our new blended family has adjusted remarkably well and it's the first time in a while since I've felt contentment at home. Like I was not just working to replace what I didn't have at home, or worse- to get away from the dull emptiness of home life.
However, with the new baby on the way and our town being a small town, Carla and I are in a cold war of sorts. Like the phone works both ways, we both know that, but there's something telling me that it's not really wise to reach out.
Carla was upset because my new wife's sister " Allie" (28F) is sort of known for being a job hopper who was working at the gas station. Allie, because she has no GED, has faced job issues.
I did previously talk to Carla about an unpaid internship at my real estate company when she graduated from her post grad program, but the divorce happened and I tabled the discussion.
Allie made it clear every time we saw each other (she is a choir member at the church we go to) that she desperately wanted out of retail. That she's not cut out for customers thinking they are above her.
I felt bad for her and gave her an assistant property management job. Carla is mad because Allie's mom started saying that her daughter didn't finish high school but was now making $70K a year plus annual bonuses and that you didn't need a GED or a trade to earn money.
Carla was upset and said she also hated how distant I've been. Our fight shocked me because it's the first time since the divorce I was being questioned on everything and made to feel I'm doing everything wrong.
I eventually cooled down from the fight- this happened a month ago. But I realized that with the baby coming and me getting older, I needed to set up my estate so that it makes sense to my current reality.
After consulting my attorney he said there's no obligation to include an adult biological child, nevermind a former stepchild. But that if I wanted to go the route of specifically excluding Carla so she couldn't try to argue something, I could still do that. I ended up having my will set so my current wife, stepson, and bio kids are in it. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
AeriePuzzleheaded675 said:
YTA. You were her father for 20+years. You want to include a stepson you have know less then your stepdaughter. You are shallow. Don’t paint the stepdaughter with the same brush as the ex wife.
Robinroo said:
YTA- At the end of the day it’s your money and conscience so do as you will (no pun intended) but you raised your step daughter for 23 of her 27 year old life… you are essentially one of 2 (maybe three depending how involved the bio dad was/is) parental figures in her life.
I also dont comprehend how one can parent someone for that long and just drop them out of their life as if they didnt matter. Just because she’s an adult and not your bio kid, doesnt mean that she isnt going through the motions of someone whose bio parents are divorcing…has it ever occured to you that she pulled away because she was processing the loss of a parental figure in her life?
So new step kid gets to be on the will and not the step kid you raised since they were a toddler? Oof… if you divorce your new wife will you boot off the second step kid too?
Personally if I was raised by someone for 23 years, I would think of them as my parent regardless of whether they separate from my other parent. I would be hurt and would need to process that change.
I’d most likely feel betrayed and confused if the man that raised me as his child for practically the entirety of my life only saw me as: “my ex wife’s kid” now that he has a new family and new step kid to parent. I honestly would feel like my world is crumbling and like I never mattered to the person who co-raised me.
Quick-Store2989 said:
YTA…as someone who has been divorced for over a decade I still have a relationship with my stepchild that i helped raise. Like all kids your going to have disagreements, that doesn’t mean throw them away and say well you weren’t really mine so.
HoldFastO2 said:
YTA. So Carla, the girl you raised for 23 years, is upset that you’ve been distant since you remarried into a new blended family that she isn’t a part of. Apparently, she misses you. That’s a pretty good parenthood diploma there. But for some reason, your reaction to that is…cutting her out of your will? Why? I don’t get it. Do you really not care about Carla at all?
Funny-Wafer1450 said:
YTA. You threw Carla away along with your wife. It's not her fault that you filed for divorce, but it sems like you are trying to punish her too. You should have been the one to reach out to Carla, and you should have continued the intern discussion during the divorce (she is an adult, and you should have let her know that she still mattered to you).
I once worked with a man who took in his stepdaughter and raised her after he divorced her mom. She was Carla's age when they married, and he wasn't about to abandon her. We need more men like him in the world.
toastedmarsh7 said:
YTA. You were her father from the age of 2. She has no memory of a life without you. You promised her an UNPAID internship after she finished GRAD SCHOOL but canceled it because you were tired of being married to her mom and then hired a high school drop out relative of your new much younger wife for a well PAID job that she’s completely unqualified for.
And to top it all off, you’re officially writing her out of your will because she never existed and is completely meaningless. You’re more than an ahole.
peakpenguins said:
YTA. Always blows my mind when someone can raise a child for this long and then just hop out of their lives like it's no biggie.