'AITA for embarrassing my parents for forgetting my birthday?' UPDATED

"AITA for embarrassing my parents for forgetting my birthday?"

anon_78912

I (F33) just had my birthday last week. The only problem is that no one in my family remembered. My maternal grandfather passed away about a month ago and my entire family (mom, dad, and 2 younger brothers) flew back to my mother’s home country for the funeral.

I, unfortunately, could not go as I’ve only recently started a new job. I wasn’t particularly close to my grandfather so I wasn’t too upset about staying behind. My family was gone for a total of 22 days and we FaceTimed and stayed in constant communication during their trip.

I think it’s great that my mom got to reconnect with family and that my brothers got a chance to meet everyone. They got back last Wednesday and have been readjusting due to jet lag since then (understandably).

My birthday was last Friday (2 days) after they got back. TBH, I wasn’t expecting more than birthday wishes from everyone, but the day past without a word from anyone. Was I annoyed? Sure. But I wasn’t too upset. I’m not the biggest birthday person.

I ended up having a nice birthday dinner with my boyfriend and a few friends. All hell broke loose Saturday afternoon when I got a really angry phone call from my dad. I guess my boyfriend did a special IG post for me and my brothers saw it and showed my parents. I had no idea he did this as he isn’t a big poster.

Anyway, I could hear my mom crying in the background while my dad laid into me saying that they were sorry they forgot, but not saying anything and then posting about it online was passive aggressive and mean.

I told him that I wasn’t upset and that I didn’t think a 33rd birthday was that big a deal anyway. He said a few more things before abruptly ending the call. I didn’t hear from my family the rest of the weekend.

Today (Monday) I woke up to a bunch of notifications. I guess my mom did a Facebook post talking about ungrateful kids and how I ruined their surprise party for me and tagged me. My extended family seemed to agree that I was a jerk.

I’ve tried calling my mom, but she didn’t answer so I posted my own reply and said “You guys forgot and no one wished me a happy birthday unless you count dad calling and yelling at me”. Both of my parents have been calling all morning, but I don’t want to take their calls yet. AITA?

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:

Britt_Scherrer

NTA. Seems like they are trying to make you feel guilty for nothing.

Were they really planning a surprise birthday party as per your mom's Facebook post?

The OP responded here:

anon_78912

I have no idea. I asked my boyfriend about it and he said no one contacted him about it, but who knows.

Fianna9

Doesn’t seem likely. If they knew about your birthday and had something planned they would have just asked you over Saturday and “surprise!” Sounds like they are covering up that they forgot by trying to blame you.

Azile96

So they are mad at you because your boyfriend posted a nice happy birthday message on IG. They forgot to say anything on your birthday and got embarrassed. So instead of just calling and apologizing for their mistake, they blame you and get mad at you for their embarrassment?

I don’t know if I believe your mom actually set up a surprise party for you. It sounds like she’s backtracking a bit, making some sort of excuse for not saying anything when she literally just forgot about your birthday.

I’m sorry they forgot. It sounds like they are all just focused on the loss of your grandfather, so I’d give them a pass on that. It does not sound like you are terribly upset about their lapse of memory anyway. I know it’s late, but Happy birthday!

embopbopbopdoowop

NTA. That their reaction is to get mad at and guilt trip you (for what? Having a boyfriend who makes a declaration of love on social media?!) to avoid having to feel any guilt or take any responsibility speaks volumes. Surprise party? To quite venerated philosopher Cher Horowitz, AS IF.

Dschingis_Khaaaaan

NTA - It’s unfortunate but understandable that they may have forgotten given having to deal with your grandfathers passing, though you’d have every right to feel upset about them forgetting too.

But boy are they AH for trying to play the victim for their mistake and get everyone to blame you. If the truth of what they did shames them they only have themselves to blame. You didn’t call them out, you defended yourself from their lies and manipulations. Good for you and happy belated birthday.

FitOrFat-1999

NTA. They embarrassed themselves. How do you think they would have reacted if you *had* mentioned it? "Oh don't be such a big baby" "You're too old for this" Etc. ​And "ruined their surprise birthday party for you"? Yeah, riiiiight.

Fabulous_A_53

NTA. You didn’t post anything your boyfriend, quite sweetly, did. My guess if they feel guilty so they lashed out. Or they’re embarrassed because someone asked them why they weren’t in the pictures and they realised they forgot. Or both.

scout1982

You need to take a biiiig step back from your family. Their reaction to forgetting YOUR birthday is unhinged. NTA.

NotCreativeAtAll16

NTA. They have the absolute gall to get mad at you when THEY, your parents, forgot your birthday? Way to make it all about them.

LowBalance4404

NTA and if anyone believes they really had a surprise party planned for you, I have a bridge in Brooklyn that I'd like to interest you in investing.

OP came back and posted this update:

I do have an update, but I wanted to address some questions:

1. My boyfriend’s post: He had no idea that my parents hadn’t acknowledged my birthday until my dad called. I never mentioned it because, again, I wasn’t angry. The post was just a picture of us at the restaurant with my birthday cheesecake.

The caption verbatim was, “Blessed to see you make another trip around the sun. I love you!” There was no mention of anything else. I also wasn’t aware of the post until my dad called about it.

2. This is very out of character for either of my parents which is why I’m not going to go no-contact. The way everything escalated is bizarre, but it gives me a better understanding of the situation. Hopefully it will for everyone else as well.

Now the update:

After everything happened yesterday I told my boyfriend about the FB thing and he agreed that I should just not deal with it for the day. I turned my phone off and just chilled out. Around 6pm my boyfriend got a text from my brothers asking if they could come by because they wanted to see me and bring me the candy they brought back for me.

I agreed and they came over… along with my parents. At this point, I was annoyed to see my parents, but we let everyone in. My boyfriend made sure I was alright, and took my brothers out back so I could be alone with my parents. My mom started crying immediately and sobbed out an “I’m sorry”.

I don’t know about you, but seeing my mom cry started to make me cry. My dad then explained what happened. Apparently they absolutely forgot about my birthday (again understandable). My paternal aunt had come over on Saturday to see my parents. It’s worth noting that she does NOT like my mom for whatever reason.

Since he’s been around for last 4 years, my boyfriend follows my brothers and a few of my cousins and vice versa. My cousins saw the post, showed my aunt and she asked my mom how my birthday went. (Side note, my extended family did reach out to wish me happy birthday, they just didn’t know my family forgot).

I guess my mom was caught out and my aunt went in on her being a bad mother and all that and saying at least I have my boyfriend. My dad got upset, told my aunt to leave and said they already had something planned (they didn’t). That’s when he called me. They never saw the post , and I was wrong thinking my brothers showed them.

My dad said he felt awful for yelling at me and apologized, but explained that he hated seeing his wife so upset. They took the weekend to cool down, but as many of you guessed, my mom tried to save face via FB. She explained that she didn’t think I would see it since I’m not usually on.

What she didn’t realize is that when she typed my name in the post, my user name populated thus tagging me. She was shocked and embarrassed when I responded and started getting calls and texts from the extended family. She came clean to my dad about it and that’s when they tried calling, but I wouldn’t answer.

My mom looked very distraught and I just told her that everything was ok and that I’m sorry that I responded the way I did. It’s evident that she’s taking her father’s passing extremely hard and I don’t want to pile more onto her. Now’s not the time. My dad said it’s was few days late, but he’d love to order pizza and just hang out.

I agreed. My boyfriend and brothers came inside and we spent a few hours listening to stories about my grandfather and my mom’s childhood. It’s definitely a birthday I won’t forget, but I guess alls well that ends well?

I would like to point out that we do NOT like my dad’s sister. She’s an awful person, but my cousins are amazing so my dad tolerates her. My mom can usually handle herself around my aunt, but she’s in a really vulnerable state which is how this escalated. I’ll probably talk to her about again, just not anytime soon Also, thank you for the birthday wishes!