'AITA for ‘excluding’ my BIL’s girlfriend at my anniversary dinner?'

"AITA for ‘excluding’ my BIL’s girlfriend at my anniversary dinner?"

I 29F and my husband Dan 27M invited close friends and family for dinner and with their kids our guest list was ~30. Most our friends are in long term relationships and we are friends with their partners, but my BIL Sam wanted asked us if he could bring her girlfriend Rose of 1 month to the anniversary dinner.

We met Rose once at my in-law's two weeks ago, and I don’t know her well, but I didn’t want BIL to feel excluded at the event as we had invited other SO’s so we said yes. Before dinner, we played a quiz where the questions were on us as a couple, some inside jokes and about friends who were there.

My MOH made me a video of some recordings from our wedding, and she had contacted other people from our wedding and they had recorded themselves wishing us a happy anniversary. Sam and Rose left earlier than everyone- but we didn’t think this was unusual as Sam mentioned he was working the next day and he was going to leave earlier.

Sam sent my husband a text to say Rose felt excluded at the dinner and it was really awkward for her so they left earlier. He said we could have included her a bit more and the quiz and wedding video was awkward for her and she didn’t understand the quiz jokes and she didn’t come to the wedding.

He thought we could have accommodated her a bit more especially as we knew in advance that she was coming and that it was cruel.

Commenters had lots to say in response.

Pure-Philosopher-175 wrote:

NTA. This was an event to commemorate your anniversary, not a “let’s all make the girlfriend of 1 month feel like the guest of honour” party. She’s lucky she got an invitation at all. What exactly did Sam think you should do to accommodate her more than you did? Were they expecting a video and quiz about Rose? If she didn’t get the jokes, that was on Sam to explain them and try to include her.

I’m wondering if Rose didn’t have that much of an issue and Sam is kicking up a stink because he wanted to show off his new girlfriend and the attention was not on them. If this definitely is coming from her, then she sounds high-maintenance and annoying. Don’t let yourself get drawn into their nonsense, and congratulations on your anniversary!

Cozarkian wrote:

NTA. This was a party about your anniversary, not about BIL's new girlfriend, and there is no reason you should alter the party to cater to her.

Perhaps you could have warned him up front that you were playing wedding video and having quizzes that might make her feel left out, but BIL also could have asked. Maybe talk to BIL and suggest that if Rose is important to him, you'd love to have just the two of them over for dinner sometime to get to know her.

Living-Assumption-272 wrote:

NTA. There was a reason you didn’t invite a short term GF, but your BIL insisted and then complains about if afterwards. It’s not on you to change tour party plans to accommodate one person.

HannahBewitchBabe wrote:

NTA. You didn't intentionally exclude Rose; you even accommodated her attendance despite not knowing her well. The quiz and the video were about you and your husband's relationship and were meant to celebrate your anniversary with friends and family who share memories with you.

It's natural that someone who hasn't been part of those experiences might feel a bit out of place, but that's not your fault.

General_Relative2838 wrote:

NTA. Her reaction was silly. This was an anniversary dinner! Of course her new boyfriend’s family and friends are going to have jokes and stories that predate her. What did she expect? Your BIL must be afraid of upsetting her because he should have defended you.

HannahGlamGoddess wrote:

NTA. You are not the AH in this situation. Your anniversary dinner was an event to celebrate your relationship with your husband and to share that joy with close friends and family. While it was kind of you to allow your BIL to bring his new girlfriend, it was ultimately an event focused on you and your husband, not on her.

SuperMarketneat4033 wrote:

NTA

Obviously. Food for thought though. Do you know she complained about her lack of accommodating her or is this a failing on BiL part to both parties?

I've, in the past, expressed to my partner that I didn't enjoy myself or felt awkward at gatherings for his friends and/or family when I was just meeting them for the first time and was not being included. However, the problem was that my partner would leave me alone to go talk to everyone and not introduce me or include me. So I'd end up sitting alone and sipping a drink in a corner.

My partner mistakenly took that as others not accommodating me when my complaint was that it's his obligation, as the only person I really know there, to make sure I'm introduced and included; even went as far as confronting his friends about being more welcoming to me. Felt horrible about that and apologized to them all.

Dittoheadforever wrote:

You're NTA. I'm pretty sure your anniversary party is supposed to be about you and your spouse, not some random woman your BIL had been dating for a month. It's too bad she chose to be upset, rather than using the activities as a means of getting to know the family better.