'AITA for expecting not to have to pay for Thanksgiving groceries when my friend is hosting?'
"AITA for expecting not to have to pay for Thanksgiving groceries?"
I have never posted here before, so my apologies if I make any mistakes.
I (54f) have been invited by a friend (50f) who I will call Ann, to come to her house for Thanksgiving.
We all live in Italy, but spent many years in the USA, and have several American friends in the area. Ann heard that I make a traditional Thanksgiving dinner at my house every year for my family and a couple friends (6 people total). It is quite difficult to get all of the supplies here (no buying canned pumpkin, or cranberry sauce!), so I make every single thing from scratch.
Over the years, I’ve also acquired all the dishes and tools and spices - know suppliers for the more exotic things, and am an all around good cook.So Ann, who was born in China but lived in the USA for 20+ years, asked if I would come to her beautiful (and much bigger) home, and “teach her” how to make the whole dinner.
For a group of 12 people instead of the usual 6.
I was hesitant at first, because we live a very modest lifestyle, and Ann and her (British) husband are very well off, but I figured it would still be fun, and I would enjoy putting on the feast for new people and in a beautiful kitchen.
After I agreed, the problems began. First, Ann wanted to have the dinner on a day that isn’t Thanksgiving, to make it more convenient. I decided it wasn’t all that important, since we live in Italy. So it is scheduled for the Sunday prior to the actual day.
Then when we were planning to meet to go shopping for all the ingredients, she asked if I could do all the shopping and she would “reimburse me for her half”. I asked what she meant, and she said that I’d be paying for half of everything. So not only would I be doing all the shopping, all the planning, all the cooking and teaching her as well, but now I’m expected to pay for the food?
I told her I could not do this (we really don’t have the budget!) so now she’s trying to alter the menu she agreed to (turkey & fixings, candied yams, roasted veggies, an appetizer, and pie). Really a modest dinner by American standards.
She then made a comment that “her” friends don’t “eat like pigs”. She then went to another guest with my recipes and asked her to prepare my pumpkin pie so she didn’t have to buy the ingredients.
Bear in mind, Ann and her husband are very wealthy. I’d estimate the whole dinner for 12 might cost €200 for the ingredients, and my labor Ann gets for free. She thinks I’m being “stubborn and ungenerous” (ie an AH).
My family thinks Ann is taking advantage of my kindness and her miserly ways are ridiculous, since she’d spend double that amount for lunch out on a whim. So AITA for refusing to “contribute” to the meal or be bullied into this nonsense? My family wants me to just bow out and tell her I’m not comfortable with her attitude. I’m tempted, because this feels toxic and manipulative.
The internet had a lot of thoughts about the situation.
RaviolliRex wrote:
NTA.
Sounds like she just wants you to pay, and make the meal for her and her friends. she is most definitely taking advantage of your kindness and probably just wants you to cook for her. I wouldn't make the meal or pay for it if I were you.
OP responded:
I absolutely won’t be paying for a single thing. I don’t expect to be paid for my time, as my family will be there too (4 of us in total), so I was willing to make the meal. But I’m expected to pay for the privilege of planning and cooking a meal for 12?
That seems ridiculous to me. My family is aghast at the nerve of her asking me to buy half the ingredients, tbh. I just wanted outside opinions on if I’m being an AH since we’d be there eating the meal also.
Ivorypolarbear wrote:
NTA. I can see how it would be fair to pay for half the groceries, since you do 6 people and this would be 12, if you were joint hosting. This does not sound like joint hosting, it sounds like Ann wants to get all the accolades while you do all the work! She wants you to ”teach” her how to make the food—how much do you bet she’ll ask you to show her and she’ll just “observe” the process?
And of the 12 guests that Ann wants, are 6 of them all the people you usually have or are more of them people she wants? If I were in this position I’d cancel on Ann and go back to doing your own dinner.
OP responded:
Four of the guests are me and my family - the rest are guests of Ann, although I know a couple of them and we are friends.
They only said yes to the invite because they wanted to enjoy my Thanksgiving dinner which they’d heard rumors of - they both despise Ann but like her husband, so my cooking made it worth putting up with her. To be honest, I’m considering just cancelling the dinner, and being eternally “busy” every time Ann asks for my time.
She seems nice, but there’s always an ulterior motive with her - my son says she acts like I’m her pet dancing monkey that she wants to perform tricks whenever it’s convenient. I’m just very skilled at a lot of things she doesn’t know how to do, so he might be right. I try to be kind, but this feels manipulative.
Clean_Factor9673 wrote:
NTA. Your mistake was sharing the recipes. This woman is not your friend. She wants you to pay for half the groceries for her dinner party in addition to cooking everything and sourcing all ingredients. At this point she would need to pay you the cost of a private chef to cook the dinner.
OP responded:
She asked for the recipes so she could compile a shopping list. To be honest, I don’t give a damn if she wants to share them or try to make them herself.
They’re my recipes, some of them I wrote in 1986! They’re hardly secret though, and I’d share them freely. There’s more to them than basic instructions, so she’ll have a difficult time having them come out right, without me showing her all the little tricks.
Just in case anyone wants to know how to have a pumpkin pie crust come out perfect and never burn: after you bake the crust, put it in the freezer for 30 minutes before filing it and baking the pie - a semi frozen crust will slow the edges getting brown so they don’t burn.
bujomomo wrote:
NTA- I lived overseas in places where you would pay an arm and a leg for Thanksgiving dinner ingredients, so I understand how expensive it can be. Sounds like she wants your expertise and labor in addition to half the cost, so I would pass.
OP responded:
It isn’t just that some of these things are expensive, they’re also very hard to find. I’ve stockpiled things like pumpkin pie spice and turkey roasting bags, found cranberries and pumpkin pie pans - so my dinner is the real thing.
You really can’t find this food here unless someone knows how to make it right, and invites you. So it just feels gross that the host wants me to buy half the groceries on top of the labor involved.
New_Sun6390 wrote:
She lived in US for 20 years and needs someone we to "teach her" to make Thanksgiving dinner? And you have to buy all the stuff? F that. Google and YouTube can teach her. Alternatively, she can do a pot luck and have guests bring some of the sides and desserts.
OP responded:
I don’t think Ann ever cooked for herself when she lived in the US. She’s had a succession of wealthy husbands. She does cook amazing Chinese food (we’ve had lunch with her twice), but certainly not this kind of coordinated feast. Making Thanksgiving as a single cook is a very complicated process, to have everything come out and be hot at exactly the same time.