'AITA for flipping out on my fiancé in front of a crowd because he keeps taking my car?'
"AITA for flipping out on my fiancé in front of a crowd because he keeps taking my car?"
My fiancé Tom has a habit of taking my stuff without asking BECAUSE he feels I should be able to do the same with his stuff. He's constantly saying "you don't have to ask, just take it, what's mine is yours" whenever I ask to use anything of his and he expects to have the same rule applied when it comes to my belongings.
I never agreed to this. In fact, I have voiced multiple times that it's rude not to ask and have voiced irritation when he uses my stuff without asking. When it comes to small stuff, I get irritated because he never puts my stuff back where it belongs and then I have to go on a wild goose chase to find the item because he can't remember where he put it down either (he has ADHD).
For instance, he forgets ALL of his travel mugs in his vehicle and instead of going to grab them, he will just take mine until ALL the travel mugs are in his vehicle. But honestly, the main issue is money and my vehicle, if I'm being honest. If he needs something and he doesn't have the money, he will just take my debit card without asking beforehand because he would expect me to do the same with his debit card if I need something.
Or recently (literally a week ago) I bought a brand new vehicle and there are days when I wake up in the morning and him and my vehicle are gone because he's taken my vehicle to go to the gym instead of his vehicle because mine is far better on gas. Or he went to donate his old clothing the other day and again, took my vehicle.
Or he went grocery shopping 4 nights ago and took my vehicle. And last night, we had a bunch of people over and one of his buddies needed to go to the store so Tom said he would go with him and he just grabbed my vehicle keys. I told him no.
He just kind of stood there staring at me, so I said "what? You're not taking my vehicle to drive your friend around. Start asking to use my sh$t because I'm getting extremely pissed off that you take my vehicle all the time.
And if you have my debit card, you better leave that on the counter too because you're not taking that either." He looked extremely embarrassed and put both my keys and my debit card on the counter and walked outside. He comes back in maybe 5 minutes later, saying his buddy decided to take off for the night and then he went upstairs to our bedroom.
Later on when everyone else left he said that I embarrassed him. That if it was such a big deal for him to use my stuff than I should have "brought it up" prior to this. I told him I had brought it up, several times in fact, because him constantly using my stuff is really building a wall of resentment at this point.
He has his own vehicle. He has his own money. He has his own means to do sh$t so why is he using mine? He said he lost his debit card (true, he lost it 2 days ago and is waiting for a replacement) and that he didn't feel the vehicle issue was even something to get worked up about because I am allowed to use his vehicle whenever I want.
(He's given me permission but I refuse to drive it and have only driven it twice because I HAD to in the past 3 years). He says I shouldn't have embarrassed him like that and I should have waited until everyone was gone to say something. But I'm getting tired of saying anything. It's my sh$t, don't touch it without permission. I don't think it's a hard concept. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
No_Cod3515 said:
NTA. Your fiancé's taking your stuff without asking is not cool. Tom keeps using your new car and debit card without permission. You've told him to stop many times, but he doesn't listen.
You finally called him out in front of friends when he tried to take your car again. He says you embarrassed him, but you're just setting boundaries. Your stuff, your rules.
CakePhool said:
NTA. He only heard you this time because he felt embarrassed.
Scoutmaster-Jedi said:
NTA. I’ve been married longer than OP is alive. I would never take my spouses debit card or anything from their wallet without explicit permission. I wouldn’t even open their wallet without permission. This guy needs to learn about healthy boundaries.
ConsitutionalHistory said:
Yes...you said something before but it's obvious he wasn't listening or had selective memory. You embarrassing him in front of his friends...guess what, he's NOW heard you. NTA...
Ornery_Ad_2019 said:
NTA. Your boyfriend is full of sh$t and he knows it. He insists that you can take his stuff only because he wants to take your better stuff. He also steals from you which should not be okay. The first time he stole money from your account should have been an eye opener. Why wasn’t it? Why isn’t this?
Top_Airport6285 said:
NTA, I might commit an atrocity if someone took my wheels without asking. Just because he has no respect for his own belongings doesn't mean he can disrespect yours.