'AITA for getting engaged to my ex-husband’s new GF’s ex-husband?'
"AITA for getting engaged to my ex-husband’s new GF’s ex-husband?"
I (49F) and my ex-husband (50M, let’s call him Kevin) got divorced and the straw that broke the camels back was when I came home with a present for him for our anniversary and he accused me of getting it from whoever I was sleeping with and threw it away. He didn’t even open the present, which was a Rolex watch he had looked at multiple times and expressed he liked.
I talked to a divorce attorney after this and we filed within a month and he moved out. I told my attorney about this and he wanted to know where he moved out as Kevin wouldn’t list his new address. It was revealed he moved in with his new girlfriend (50F, let’s call her Jenny). I actually knew Jenny as our oldest kids have been in the same class since pre-k. I also knew Jenny and her husband (52M, let’s call him Terry) just got divorced right before us too.
It takes a little over a year to finalize the divorce since Kevin couldn’t agree to any terms. A few weeks after the divorce, Kevin and Jenny went public with their relationship on a luxury beach trip. Terry sends me a friend request that I quickly accepted (I’ll admit, at this moment I was being shallow because he’s undeniably attractive. He’s 6’3, tan from working outside on his farm, and fit) and he messaged me right after. Just asking if I had seen the post and blah blah blah.
The conversation quickly turns into making plans to get dinner and drinks one night. It was Kevin’s first weekend with the kids so Terry and I went out. It sounds sappy, but in that moment, I knew this could be something. it felt natural talking to him and like I didn’t have to walk on eggshells or tiptoe around things. He was the first person to actually look at me while I’m talking and we agreed on almost everything.
I invited him over after we left and we had a few more drinks and watched a sappy love movie and had so much fun making fun of how unrealistic it was. We somehow finished a bottle and a half of wine so I invited him to stay the night. He offered to sleep on the couch but I told him he could sleep in the bed since I still wasn’t sleeping well because I wasn’t used to sleeping alone.
The next morning, I made us breakfast and we agreed that we should do this another time and that it was great. As we were eating, Kevin texted me that he was down the road to drop the kids off. Terry rushed to her dressed and left. It felt terrible making him leave like that and of course, the first thing Kevin asked was about if he saw Terry’s truck coming down our road. I told him nope and he dropped the kids off and left.
That was 4 years ago and shortly after that, Terry admitted to me that he wanted a relationship and I said yes. We kept it private all this time because it’s really no one’s business to know. As long as we were happy together. We just celebrated our 4th anniversary and beginning in November, Terry started to hint that he wanted to propose and wanted me to move to his farm in another town since he lived an hour and a half away.
Our anniversary was December 1st and he planned a surprise dinner with all our friends to propose to me. I couldn’t believe that he really did all this for me. All our friends were incredibly supportive and agreed that we seemed happy together and deserved to be happy with each other. The next day, I made a post that we were engaged.
This was the first post about Terry and I on each other’s page. Right after the post, we started to get calls, texts, FB messages from Jenny’s family, Kevin’s family, and Jenny sent a long message to Terry saying she couldn’t believe we would do this and didn’t check with them first and how insensitive it was to get engaged when we “knew” her and Kevin were on a break because of the fighting.
He ignored all her messages until we both got messages from my family saying we were sh%tty people for getting engaged “inspite of Jenny and Kevin” and how they no longer wanted to see my kids and wouldn’t be attending the wedding.
Terry started to help me sell my house since he also works for a real estate company and we packed all my stuff up and sold all the furniture and moved me into Terry’s house. I left my job and was actually able to get a job at his company as a secretary. He has two sons who treat me very well.
They don’t call me their mom (I don’t expect them to either), but they do tell people I’m their step mom and they surprised me with a basketball mom shirt with their names and numbers for Christmas. I couldn’t stop crying after seeing it because it was so meaningful to me to see how they considered me their stepmom.
Kevin had the kids for Christmas and we were supposed to begin the normal split custody in January. Since the first of the year, the kids have said they don’t want to see me and Kevin said he’s talking with an attorney to change our custody schedule and that he wants full custody.
I am finally happy with someone that loves me, planning a very small wedding with only friends and family that was supportive of our relationship, and have two new stepsons that love me, but I feel so empty without my kids.
I took them to meet Terry and he had been to dinner with us a couple times and he treated them like his own and he never got onto them or was mean to them. I feel so conflicted about what to do. My kids won't even talk to me over the phone and refuse to see me. So, am I the ahole for getting engaged to Terry?
EDIT:
My kids have always known Terry and were introduced to him after a year and a half of us dating. They had no problem with us being together and knew about the engagement as Terry took them to pick out the ring. It’s not like he’s a total stranger to them as they’ve been around him multiple times and been to his house. I hope this can clear up some confusion and I plan to elaborate more when I have an update.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
no_thanks_9802 said:
I would look into parental alienation when talking with your lawyer over your ex's wanting a new parenting agreement and your kids not wanting to talk to you anymore. I'm not understanding why it was ok for your ex and his new girlfriend to plaster their relationship all over SM, but you make one post after 4 years of quietly dating and all hell breaks loose. Unless there is something you're leaving out, NTA.
UnluckyYou3574 said:
NTA. How old are your kids? I wonder what their dad/your ex is putting into their heads. While he’s going for custody, you may want to go after him for parental alienation. He sounds like a real winner.
koalabear20 said:
NTA are your kids ok??? what have you done wrong? Their dad is allowed to have a new relationship but you aren't??
HoshiJones said:
Wtf, why would anyone bash you for this? More to the point, why is your family bashing you for this? Either you're leaving something out, or your family is f-ed up beyond comprehension. NTA.
goddessofspite said:
Oh come on with how quick they got together your ex and his ex were well cheating and now he’s alienating your kids. Get this to court and demand the kids be put into therapy and hopefully this will help. NTA.
Wanda_McMimzy said:
NTA. Life’s too short to focus on extraneous drama. Be happy, enjoy life, and move on.
Later, OP provided a MINI UPDATE:
I was able to talk to my usual therapist about a session next week to help the kids talk and maybe help them understand the truth. It’s next Friday when I would usually pick them up so hopefully it goes well.