'AITA for kicking a kid out of our carpool?'

"AITA - are we AHs for kicking a kid out of our carpool?"

My (F) oldest daughter, 4th grade, is in her 3rd year on a competitive dance team, along with 2 friends in town. They have been dancing together for about four years and have always been very close friends. In years past, we always drove our own children back-and-forth to our studio, 25 min away.

This year, a few more kids have joined our team within our town, and their commitment has increased to being there 4 required days, + 1 optional. In the first few weeks of the year, we worked out a carpool in passing, so I reached out to the parents, organized the information in a spreadsheet, and shared it with all parents involved for reference and adjustments as needed.

A few weeks in, a new parent got in touch to offer to join and help drive. Within that first week, I felt uneasy about how she was pushing her daughter into a ride when I had already arranged for my child’s ride and it was my day off from driving.

Feeling bad and a bit bullied, I was about to pile my daughter, her friend, and my 3 other kids into the car just to save her a drive. I called the driver for the day to let her know she didn’t have to pick up my daughter, and she was floored that this other parent treated me this way and called to let her know she’d drive her daughter.

The next day, I texted the mom to let her know I felt forced to find her kid a ride and that it wasn’t my responsibility. She apologized, and we moved on. Now, her child is a source of drama almost every week.

This mom has phoned one child’s parents at least 3-4 times, claiming they have made her kid feel uncomfortable and bullied. The rest of us are confused because we hear what’s happening in the car and the stories don’t line up.

This child is usually the instigator or refuses to drop things when the silliness gets out of hand. Not to mention, if your child complained about feeling uncomfortable and bullied in someone else’s care, wouldn’t you remove them from the situation?

What we didn’t know is that this child is deliberately changing line formations or sitting out to get “special parts” during dance classes. When called out, she’s rude and mean to our kids. Our kids finally snapped this week and let her have it.

They’re tired of her bragging, blaming, and singling out friends to get them in trouble with their parents. None of us claim to have perfect children. We just want our kids to be good humans and have a positive experience.

But we are at our wits end. So we decided to remove this child from the carpool and take our kids out of their car, at least for the remainder of the year. I’m meeting with the studio directors to let them know of our plans and concerns about this parent complaining.

TLDR: Our kids are having issues with a teammate’s behavior and attitude in their classes and carpool, so we asked this child’s parents to handle their own rides. So, are we a-holes for removing our kids from this for the sake of our sanity and the team?

Let's see what readers had to say:

gratver writes:

NTA. You went above and beyond to organise this carpool, even organising a spreadsheet. From the start this new mom has overstepped by pushing her kid into rides that weren't her turn and forcing you to accomodate her.

Kids are kids and some drama is to be expected but this kids' behaviour is way out of line and is a nuisance more than normal kid behaviour. This isn't just a personality clash, it's actively making it harder for the other kids. Instead of handling her kid's behaviour she's blaming others parents.

If she feels like her kid is being bullied why isn't she just driving her kid herself. It feels likes she's deflecting responsibility from her kid into others.

You didn't blow up or create unnecessary drama. You tried to maintain your children's well being and your sanity by calmly removing them from the situation. You're not ostracising the kid, you're just making the mother step back to prevent actual conflict.

You're under no obligation to deal with someone else's poor handling of their child's behaviour especially when it's affecting your kids. This isn't malicious or petty, it's just self preservation.

greaaa writes:

NTA…no. Been there, done that. You are the driver. Any kid in my car listens to my rules. Do not follow those rules? You are no longer allowed in my car. This child and her parent are going thus to themselves. We already know it will be said, that you all are just jealous of her little precious and her fabulous dance skills.

I would also let the studio know that if they continue to give into this child’s tantrums and give her parts because if such and not because of her abilities, they just might find themselves with a number of less students.

laotupw writes:

NTA. Former carpool mom, more than 4 kids total in the car (and this is assuming one meets safety criteria for front passenger seat) means that they simply WON’T FIT unless everyone in the group has full time access to a vehicle with 3rd row.

What happens when that vehicle is out of commission and stuck with family member’s small-mid size SUV or sedan? You’re screwed and scrambling.

Just tell the other parent the group is too large to safely and logistically accommodate. Leave the drama out, you’re going to be stuck with her/daughter as long as they stay on the dance team.