"AITA for leaving my boyfriend over a gift?"

I (19f) met Andy(21m) in January. I had just moved out of my parent's house and had a horrible roommate. He lived in the dorms with a few friends of his at the time we met. We started officially dating this past March. His school year ended around April/May, he is from a different town a few hours away and goes back there for the summer.

Before he left he brought up moving in together for convenience, as he would save money and I could get away from my roommate (my lease was month to month). In my opinion couples shouldn't move in together out of convenience, my gut told me this. And i would bring it up but he assured me that he wanted to live together too. It was just an "added bonus" it would help both our situations.

I was hesitant because I had just moved out, and I did it on my by myself. So I wasn't sure I was ready to give up my independence yet. We ended up having conversations about it and he got me on board. In June we signed our lease, Andy had been living in his home town by then and wanted to spend his last summer of college with his friends from high school.

I was understanding of this, so June-September I lived at the apartment on my own. Okay that was long, now let me get to the point. I am a people pleaser though and through, it has led to many issues in my past relationships. I sacrifice my happiness for my partners and I don't necessarily see it every time, in time.

Because I know I have this mindset I've worked pretty hard to make myself feel worth it. I've never had the effort I put into the relationship reciprocated, so I treat myself and raised my own standards.

I had a health issue and he had to take me to the ER, this was before we moved in together. Andy was 20 at this point and caring enough to take me to the ER was shocking for me, it made me fall very hard. He would bring me gatorade and soup that week, just made sure I was taken care of.

This was like the first time anyone I was in a relationship with had really reciprocated the care I have for them. So obviously this made it easier to move in with him so early. I had lots and lots of trust in him.

My birthday was around when we signed the lease, he had came down from his home town that day to celebrate with me. I had told him I wanted to go to the Zoo this year. and explained when I was growing up my parents took me to the Zoo every year and I got to pick out a new stuffed animal every time (the zoo has the best stuffed animals i don't care.)

That's what made the day so special, I got the take my animal around the Zoo with me and I got to find the real animal of the stuffy I picked out. Then I would introduce them. We stoped going when I was 10 and I hadn't been since.

When we got to the Zoo he didn't want to go to the gift shop, which is okay it's usually the last stop for most people. We walked around and had a good time, but then I had to beg him to go in with me. When we got inside and my inner child was BEAMING, he was making comments about how it was dumb I wanted a stuffed animal, it was a waste of money, he didn't see the point.

So I put the Sloth down and we went home. Edit: I was going to buy the stuffed animal myself but he was literally shaming me and everyone saw. He didn't get me a birthday present, except for the flowers I insisted on at the farmers market. He did not get me a birthday card, and to put icing on the cake, he didn't compliment me one single time my entire birthday. He does not care.

I dont need the validation, I know myself, I know who I am, I love myself. But again, in all my past relationships this is something I have had to beg for. This is also something we talked about before my birthday, as it was an issue then. It felt like he doesn't even want to be there.

When we walked around the farmers market he's always concerned about how I am inconveniencing the people around me. He will go so far as to grab my arm and pull me away from what I am looking at because I was "in someone's way". At the time I was also unhappy at my job. I was working 40+ hours a week in an extremely toxic environment.

All he would tell me is that there's no reason to still be there, uh rent. I was not complaining more than the average person, he just wasn't happy i wasn't listening to him so he stoped listening to me. This made it very hard for me to go to him about anything because if you dont care about my struggles then why would you care about anything else?

-I was applying to job, searching for jobs but you know how the job market is right now. It's extremely difficult and I was not going to leave the stable job I was at for 2 years for something that didn't pay more or didn't offer more. I had rent to pay, he didn't even have a job so it was hard to hear him criticize me. edit: i would work with my dad but he owns a construction company. i did get a new job and its a lot better.

When he moved back into our apartment, my dad let him work with him to pay rent. My dad has his own company. He would flex all this money on me, but would never pay for things, barely even on dates.

Only when it was uncomfortable for him to ask to split or say we weren't paying together. I am not saying I want a man to pay for everything, but it is nice to be taken care of by your boyfriend a bit. Especially when he's coming home and flexing all this cash he got from your father on you. (my dad never really needed Andy's help, but he wanted to make sure I was taken care of and that's how he did that).

Fast forward to October, all of the previous occurred before. I wanted to do Boo Baskets because I was feeling disconnected and I wasn't feeling seen by him. We weren't really talking, he wasn't being off vibes he was happy when I got home. He wasn't initiating conversations, and this is when I started school, so I was now working full time and a full time student.

I was and am exhausted, I know that's not a unique experience. But it was not his experience, He worked maybe 2 days a week with my dad and would make $500-$600 a week.

So Boo Baskets were my way for us to reconnect. He is not a good gift giver obviously so I made a list for him. It looked like: price rage $30, can include sight, smell, touch, sentiments, personal gift, couple activity. And I listed 1-3 examples under each category.

I went to show him this list, I was very happy and excited for this. And he told me he didn't need me to womansplain it to him, he can handle a basket. So the day comes around and I had a whole day planned, I had been talking about it for weeks. He made fun of me for treating it like a holiday.

Boo Basket date he looks at me and says "can we push it to this weekend? I didn't get my stuff yet". I had been talking about this for close to a month. So i actually put my foot down and said "no. not when Ive been talking about this so much." I got home it was Boo Basket Date time.

What he got me was a pumpkin and shots. (I don't do shots). He said the pumpkin was "for the cat so he feels included". Tell me you don't care without telling me you dont care. I got him a few personal and helpful small things he's been talking about. and a card

A few days later we had a talk about it, he essentially broke down crying saying he procrastinated it and his dad wasn't around when he was a kid so he didn't have a good role model and he doesn't know how to act in relationships.

He was sobbing next to me as I talked to him about how everything he's been doing has been hurting me, not acknowledging my presence, not saying anything that would make me feel like you are even attracted to me at all, not listening to me, and not caring about our dates.

I told him ever since we moved in together he's stoped trying. I don't come with the apartment. He has to work for both. And for him to be acting like this not even a year into our relationship is absolutely insane. so what changed. He just talked about how now that our lives our intertwined he feels like he can't be himself anymore. I don't know how that works at all, but ok.

After we had this conversation, Andy did not speak to me for 2 days. He slept in the spare room, he didn't leave the spare room, he ate in there, I wouldn't be surprised if he peed in there too. Once he was finally ready to speak again, I had even more to say.

He ignored me for days, after I told him he hurt my feelings by not caring about me or our dates. When you live together you need dates or you're just roommates. It was such a small issue of him just hurting my feelings and needing to say "i'm sorry" and putting in more effort. But instead he ignored me for days.

When just made me sit and think. If he is acting this way not even a year in, for such a small issue, how is he going to react when we face bigger life bumps in the road. When we had our next conversation I brought up all of these things and all he did was sit there and say he was right, but now we are at the point I need space to think about how you've been treating me.

I began to tell him about how I can't get over this, and that sounds dramatic, but it's about how he views me. He's told me before he wants to be a guy in his 20s, in response to me saying i need him to communicate plans with me. he just started going on about how I'm blowing this up, i'm acting like he cheated on me. how there's things I did to him too.

I stopped him and asked "did i ever ignore you for days? If i did and i dont know Im very sorry". But no. he used me not sleeping with him against me. (i have been assaulted and roofed multiple times and have always had issues around intimacy. he is aware of this.)

I need to feel comfortable with someone to be intimate with them, so once again I said "how can i sleep with someone who doesn't act like they even like me". and went on to explain that i can't trust how he will react to bigger life issues. he then got made and defensive talking about "what bigger issues could we possibly face".

That shocked me. That made it clear he does now understand the seriousness of living with a significant other and he clearly is not emotionally ready for it. So I told him that he should go be a guy in his 20s and maybe go to therapy, that you can't be in a relationship if you dont love yourself and dont know who you are.

He then questioned if I loved myself or knew who I was. The audacity. Yes, it's taken me so long to live myself. And he started to take that away from me.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

MissMurderpants said:

Girl, stop putting yourself on fire to be with some dude that isn’t setting a fire you both can share. NTA. Don't live with anyone you’re dating until you’ve been together for at least a year.

grayblue_grrl said:

NTA... You do not want a build a man. And that is a multi year project even with quality materials. You broke up with him for a ton of reasons as well as the boo basket. Good luck.

FullyGrownBratty said:

I feel like I could copy and paste the same advice. Don’t get serious so young. Go have fun. It’s not your job to turn him into a man. No offense hun, at 19, you don’t know shit about yourself either. About every 5 years you’ll look back and realize how stupid you were and the mistakes you made. It continues your whole life. It’s called growing up. It doesn’t happen because you turned 18. Go live life.

frankydie69 said:

It hasn’t even been a year and you already have a novel written about your relationship.

She later shared this update. Unlike the post, it's very short and to-the-point:

Wwe are broken up. I can't really move out or kick him out. I am on the lease and him and his mom are too. i wouldn't have moved in with a boyfriend at 19 if it wasn't the best and safest option for me at the time. My dad has fired him and is rightfully pissed off.