Father defends son calling his best friend 'Dad' after mother's emotional absence. AITA? UPDATED 2X
"AITA for letting my son call my best friend 'Dad?'"
My (30M) relationship with my wife Sam (29F) has been rocky since our son Oliver was born two years ago. She got pregnant just a few months after we got married and things were fine up until Oliver’s delivery.
I assume it was postpartum depression, Sam never sought out a specific diagnosis, but after he was born it was like she just couldn’t care less about our child. We hadn’t planned to have children so early into our marriage and it was scary, but I can’t describe to you the all-encompassing love that comes with being a parent. The fear was worth it for me. It still is and always will be.
Throughout Oliver’s life, but especially that first year, I was essentially acting as a single parent. The only help I had (and I don’t mean for that to sound diminishing because this man is a godsend) was my best friend, Matt (33M).
The plan was for Oliver to be breastfed, but my wife had no interested in it after he was born. I was the one changing diapers and mixing up formula for bottles and being in the house we shared felt so... oppressive. Like the joys of bonding with my son were being sucked out of me because of the energy there. So I would take Oliver to Matt’s.
I don’t want to ramble on for too long, but there have been exactly zero times in life where Matt hasn’t shown up for me. I’ve known him since I was 19 and can safely say that even after all that time. But this is the most wonderful thing he’s given me.
I could sleep soundly knowing my baby would be taken care of. I had a place of refuge. He is so, so good with Oliver and is my shoulder to cry on. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay him but I’m definitely trying every single day.
Things with my wife have kind of started to look up but recent events have sent us in a huge downwards spiral. Oliver was having some speech delays but he’s been really picking things up as his third birthday nears.
He’s babbled “dadada” towards Matt and I for a while now, but “daddy” has since been added to his vocabulary and that is used to refer to us both. I have never corrected him. I checked in with Matt to make sure he was fine, and he said he was honored to be bestowed with such a title.
Sam got to hear this recently when I was on facetime with Matt and she basically went ballistic. As much as I hate to admit it, I did say he was more of a parent than she had been which, while true, is hurtful. I need outside opinions on this. AITA for allowing him to call him dad?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s initial post:
I think you are going to get lambasted for this one. I’m going with NTA for me, however. I have been hospitalized previously for depression and I think it’s amazing my now wife stayed. Things get rough out there but everyone gets to be happy. That includes you. Soft toss on ask yourself if you are in love with Matt. Seems like you act as a couple. No judgement, but leave if it’s what you want.
Guy sounds like how I acted before I was honest with myself and open with others. Lol just because some of us are in heterosexual lives/relationships doesn’t mean we don’t understand/ haven’t gone through stuff like this.
I don't think anyone would be asking OP to examine their feelings if OP were a woman describing a friendship with another woman. People need to stop the sexist assertion that men can not be emotionally close and vulnerable with one another.
Not only is it perfectly acceptable and healthy for two men to have an emotionally close friendship, but it should be more normalized so men feel more comfortable forming close connections with their buddies.
Info... I feel like there's a lot missing from your wife's side of things. Does she literally do nothing? Does she work? Are you doing all the doctors appointments, grocery shopping, cooking meals, housekeeping, waking up through the night for your son, getting clothes, going to the park etc.?
Have you talked to your wife about what's going on? Encouraging seeing a therapist? Encouraging outings/spending time with her son? Or do you just go off to Matt's place every chance you get?
Five days later, the OP returned with an update.
I never thought I’d be back with an update this soon, or that this would be the update. I came home Thursday with a plan to talk to my wife. I texted her in advance so I was able to jump right in when I arrived.
As suggested to me in the comments of the OP, I was vulnerable. I told her I was feeling exhausted and worn down. I said frustration had built up with her being so uninvolved. I said I wanted to see real, major change in the way she interacts with Oliver within the next 2 months or an ultimatum of her getting help/divorce would be given.
I also made it clear that if she wanted to get help now and not wait those 2 months, that was also acceptable. I would assist her however she wanted, but I wanted to see some initiative being taken for our child.
At first, I was met with anger. Eventually we were able to have a genuine conversation where she admitted that she didn’t feel maternal at all. She felt I had pushed her too hard to have Oliver when she got pregnant and she often wonders what our life would be like she had made a different choice.
Obviously this was all hard for me to hear. Resentment was building up on both sides, but did it have to build for nearly three years? I can’t help but feel like it was mostly her responsibility to bring up this conversation.
My frustration was over her treatment of our son. Her frustration was over us having a son at all. I can’t even fathom a world without Oliver in it, while she was pondering what our life looks like if he never existed.
It’s been a few days since the conversation, and I’m still feeling a lot. I feel sad for her. I’m very angry for my son and I that the last three years could have looked different/saved us from so much pain and exhaustion and negative emotion. It doesn’t feel fair.
She and I are going to start the divorce process soon. I’m hoping that it will remain civil. I called my parents to update them on the situation. They’ve been unconditionally supportive of me and were ready to jump into action mode to help. They will financially support us for the time being, and offered us a place to stay.
Matt and I discussed it and we don’t think that’s a viable option. Oliver is already going through a big life change, so taking him out of state to a house he’s unfamiliar with would be harmful. It would also complicate things during the divorce.
We’re moving in with Matt. On top of all the practical reasons why it makes sense, Matt expressed that he would hate for us to be so far from him / that anywhere he is would always be a home for Oliver and I.
We still have a lot of things to pack, but we’ve been here since that conversation. Oliver was already used to life here, so the transition has been smooth. I have a lot of emotions to work through and plan on starting therapy soon.
EDIT: The mentions of coercion and force are ridiculous. Sam has never said outright that she didn’t want a child. In fact, we had conversations prior to marriage about starting a family together. It was just never planned that it would happen so early into our marriage.
She was scared about having him so early, and I did my best to assuage those fears by reassuring her, but always giving the option for her to have an out should she want it. There was never the expectation put upon her that she needed to have the baby.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s first update:
This is actually really sad. There's nothing wrong with not wanting children, but when the child is there you have to make some tough decisions. Sounds like you guys made the right one for your son, before he starts to notice his moms emotional absence. I wish you and Oliver (and Matt) all the best and I'm sure Oliver will flourish in a home where he feels nothing but loved :)
Update us when you begin dating your friend.
So I'm 100% going to get ripped apart and I know that, but I wanted to ask you; What exactly would you have wanted that conversation to look like, where she brings up regretting having your child? When would you expect her to bring that up, when the kid is completely and utterly dependent on you both or when they're only slightly? How would you have expected her to bring that up?
Edit: what would you have expected to happen after that conversation? Especially if you think part of this is that she got pushed to have the baby in the first place, despite reservations?
I don't think most people have the tools to handle, "having a child was a mistake," because you're not really allowed to feel that way. And if she felt she was pushed to at least try... Well, barring divorce or adoption, what do you expect to do if you tried and trying was the wrong choice?
I'm glad you both are separating. None of you were going to by happy. Please really stick through therapy, and maybe seek out therapy for Oliver if you think it'd be prudent. You've both got a lot to work through.
Three weeks later, the OP returned with their second update.
My son has been raised by me and my best friend turned partner since he was a tiny infant. For all intents and purposes, my partner is his dad despite them not being blood related.
Some days, though, I would swear they are. They obviously don’t share any physical features, but the mannerisms my son has picked up from my partner always make my heart clench when I notice them. They have the same laugh.
They both chew on their bottom lip when they’re thinking hard about something (or pretending to be thinking hard when we’re playing.) They both have a very specific one-leg-in, one-leg-out position they assume under blankets when we have movie nights. I see him in my son’s little facial expressions all the time now that he’s gotten older.
My partner’s mom even commented on it in a private moment between she and I. Prior to that, it was something I had kept to myself thinking I was the only one who noticed it. It might not be noticeable to strangers, but those closest to us see their similarities and that’s enough for me. Definitely an “I’m so lucky” dad moment for me.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s second update:
That’s how it was and is with my husband and my oldest daughter. He came into her life at age 3. She’s now 25. He did adopt her legally when she turned 9. One moment will forever live in my memory. We were on our way somewhere and we were talking about a mannerism of hers.
I made a comment like, “Hmm, I wonder where she got that from.” He immediately responded and said, “Me. Who else?” I looked at him and said, “uh, you’re not blood related, remember?” His response will always and forever say just how much he loves this child, he said, “Oh yea. I always forget.”
I hit the jackpot with him. They’re 2 peas in a pod. Even people who didn’t know that she’s not blood related have mentioned how much she “looks” like him. We just agree and smile.
Wait, so he and Matt did end up together??
All I got from that was OP was deep in denial about his feelings for Matt.
“AITA for having an emotional affair with bonus cuddles while my stupid wife suffers from post-partum depression? Really, we just cuddle.”
Just build him an art room already.
Not at all surprised the best friend became partner after a month of moving in.