'AITA for making my lesbian daughter baby blankets just like I did for my straight daughters?' UPDATED

"AITA for making my lesbian daughter’s children blankets?"

Basically I (52F) have three daughters, Anne (30F), Carrie (26F) and Jane (20F). All fake names. When all my girls turned 18, I made them a special blanket. I then made three swaddle blankets out of the same materials for their future children. Carrie told me not to because she didn't want kids. I found out later it was because she's a lesbian. I said okay, but made them just in case.

Earlier this year, Carrie married her lovely wife, Rory (28F). Her amazing daughter Diane (5F) is my third grandchild. I approached Rory and asked if I could give her one of the blankets I made for Carrie's kids, or if she wanted me to make one special for her out of the materials I used to make their wedding living room blanket.

I always give these out on the day they're born, so for Diane I plan on giving it on her birthday and was explaining that to her. She told me to ask Diane. I did, and Carrie overheard. I found out that she's pregnant because she was crying and yelling that I didn't respect her wishes so how can she trust me with her baby?

I'm just so confused and hurt. I was trying to do something nice for all my girls, and then my sweet Diane. Instead of being happy I was cautious, Carrie is threatening to go low contact because I don't respect her and am obviously hom-phobic because how else would I have thought she'd get pregnant, which is very confusing.

Rory is telling me it's hormones and that Carrie is emotional because of how hard it was to get pregnant (I didn't know they had been trying) and that she's afraid she's going to lose it. AITA? I was trying to be kind. I wasn't being hom-phobic or trying to be disrespectful.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Edit: I don't know if it's relevant, but I still have material from the blankets for patching, so I was planning on adding to Diane's to make it big enough to use or I was going to let her have it fit her baby dolls. That's what my other two granddaughters do now that it's too small for them.

Edit 2: I didn't know Carrie was a lesbian until she was 23. I had made all the blankets by the time she was 19.

The internet did not hold back.

lawfox32 wrote:

NTA, and I'm a lesbian. If I'm reading this right, you didn't even know that was why she said she didn't want kids at the time you made the blanket. Plus "I am obviously homophobic because how else would I have thought she'd get pregnant" makes zero sense--presumably you were aware that sperm donation existed!

OP responded:

That’s right. I found out about three years ago when she began dating Rory. I made them years before that. And also yes. Even when I found out she was a lesbian, there’s so many ways for someone to have a baby, including adoption.

We had a heart to heart when she came out that that’s why she said she didn’t want kids because she never planned on getting married (we live in a Conservative area so it’s hard for her sometimes) so she never thought she would have them.

shoefarts666 wrote:

This is really confusing. But I’m pregnant, and in the first three months I was really ——- something. Was kind of a lot. My poor husband. Maybe give her a little space right now. Maybe put the blankets away. Don’t know why she’s triggered by blankets. Hold onto the blankets and maybe she will come to see them for what they are, which is a really thoughtful gift.

Tell her you love her, you’re happy for her, and you’ll talk when she’s ready? You wanted to show her partners child she was part of the family. That is so lovely. This is clearly a miscommunication. You’re definitely NTA. If she continues to yell about stuff maybe give her even more space.

OP responded:

I pick up Diane from school on Mondays so I’ll ask Rory if she thinks Carrie is open to talking about it tomorrow. Maybe she does just need space and a breather. Thank you.

-Weirdfish- wrote:

NAH. I think this is all a biiig misunderstanding. Personally, I feel you did the right thing by preparing ahead just in case. It’s not hom-phobic, it was just a bit of foresight that your child might want to have/adopt children of her own one day, regardless of s-xuality.

I think if she calms down a little, she might be able to reassess. Maybe just having a gentle and honest talk about it with her wife as the mediator might help?

It seems like her wife is not as offended and might understand and be able to act as a buffer. Be careful and give her a lot of grace. Especially when the hormones die down and the baby is born, she might genuinely understand what you were trying to do. It can genuinely change everything between a mother and daughter.

incospicuous_echoes wrote:

NTA. Sometimes people can’t exit survival mode and it’s hard for them to receive full acceptance. It’s probably something else in her childhood that made her feel rejected that she is tying to her s-xuality. You might want to pick calmer times to ask if there’s anything she wants to talk about that she’s been carrying with her and afraid to share.

OP responded:

Maybe. We live in a Conservative area and I didn’t even know she wasn’t straight until she started dating Rory. I love all my girls, Rory and Diane included. I was trying to show all three of them how much I love them but maybe it did seem like I was undermining her by going against what she asked.

I just love them all so much and don’t want Diane to feel left out, especially now with Carrie having a biological baby. I only waited this long because I wanted to be respectful but now they’re married so she’s officially my grandbaby.

yeahlikewhatever wrote:

I'm saying NAH. I think what you did was very kind and sweet, and I think thoughtful. I think that Carrie is struggling with a lot of emotions and hormones right now, and she's using you as an easy scapegoat. That is not okay, obviously, but I think she's allowed SOME grace, provided that she takes some time to calm down, and once she does, she makes a proper apology.

I think giving your daughter a little space for now might be beneficial. Not cutting her off, but perhaps allowing her to come to you with the baby topic, rather than asking after it. You obviously didn't know before now, so you had no reason to think it needed to be avoided, but now that you do, allow your daughter some time to process everything.

I think perhaps a solution, were you keen, would be to write your daughter a letter with your thoughts, and give it to her, and let her know she can read it when she feels ready, but until then, you will not discuss the baby/blanket topic with her until it's a little less raw for her.

You might say something along the lines of "Carrie, when I made those blankets for your potential future children, it wasn't because I doubted your identity as a queer woman. I did not think it 'was just a phase' and that you would eventually find a man and create a family that way."

"My thought was that, were you to ever decide to have a family, whether biologically, or through fostering/adoption/IVF, I wanted you to be a part of the same tradition as your sisters."

"As your mother, I wanted all of my children to have this special gift in place for the future. It was not something I did to pressure you, or because I ever questioned your identity. It was something I did because I'm your mother, and I love you, and I will love your children, and this is one of the ways I want to express it."

I think the fact that you wanted to include Diane even without knowing about your daughter and her wife's family planning speaks to the fact that you clearly don't care about HOW the family was made. She is as much a granddaughter to you as any biological child Carrie might have. I think maybe once those hormones die down a bit, she will hopefully see that.

OP responded:

I didn’t know Carrie was a lesbian when I made the blankets. I thought she was just one of those kids that thought they didn’t want kids. I was like that, and so was her older sister Anne.

I wasn’t ever going to tell her if she didn’t have kids, so I thought it was a no harm no foul situation, but after reading many of these comments I think I understand the issue and how she felt like it was an attack on her identity. the letter is a good idea. Thank you.

Frisianian wrote:

NAH, Okay this is 1000% just a random thought that came to mind after reading this so I could be so beyond off base. It’s possible that when she told you she wasn’t going to have kids in her mind it was because she was a lesbian.

You making the blankets anyhow was like you were ignoring her and now all the hormones and stress of being pregnant are pushing aside the actual fact that you had no idea why she said she wouldn’t have kids.

You’re NTA because it wasn’t a malicious act just a “what if” and she didn’t even know you did it so obviously you didn’t force it. She’s not the AH because hormones suck, trouble trying for a baby sucks, and fear of losing it sucks. If her wife is backing you I’d say just give it time and don’t worry about anything asshole wise except for pooping!

OP responded:

When she came out to me that is basically what she told me. She wasn’t planning on ever getting married so adoption was basically out of the question too because of where we live, but Rory just swept her off her feet and she fell in love.

I made it years before she came out though and it didn’t occur to me when I brought it up. I thought she’d be happy I was treating her the same as Anne (the only one who has kids) and Diane the same as my other two grandchildren.

imamage_fightme wrote:

NTA. I can maybe see how she has conflated the original issue of asking you not to make the blanket because she didn't believe she would have kids due to being a lesbian (though that does seem like a weird thing to assume, because lesbians have been having kids even before there were easy ways for surrogacy/IVF and adoption available).

But I think she is (hopefully) just in a weird headspace due to hormones and after thinking about it, she will realize you didn't have any mal-intent by still making the blanket, that it came from a place of love.

I'm assuming you never had any issues with her s-xuality, but does she fully realise that you were always fine with it? Hopefully in a few days, you can sit down and explain your thoughts and she will be willing to listen. Best of luck! You sound like a good mum IMO.

OP responded:

Rory is why she came out. I didn’t know until she was already grown, years after I made the blankets, but I was fine with it and always have been. Rory is a lovely woman and I know she takes care of my daughter and makes her happy.

That is always what has been most important to me. Everyone knows Rory is actually my favorite of all my girls’ partners. She’s very sweet to me and I feel very lucky my daughter found someone so amazing.