'AITA for missing another 'big moment' for my half-siblings? I just don't care.'
"AITA for missing another 'big moment' for my half-siblings?"
My dad is so inconsistent about being in my life. He and my mom divorced when I was 1 but he bailed days after I was born, came back when I was 8 months old and my mom let him stay a month before realizing he wasn't serious about being a family with us and just used her for a place to stay.
Once he realized she wasn't going to give in he bailed again. He was in my life for a year when I was 3-4 years old.
Then he was gone again. The next time I was 8. He was in my life for a few months under supervision but he left again and he made 2 appearances when I was 10. He didn't really pay child support either, which I learned this summer. Some money was given for me but probably less than $400 in the last 16 years if what he said is right.
When I was 13 he moved here for good, or so he says. He was married again and he had some kids with his wife. He went back to restart visitation with me, got some supervised visits again that became one overnight a month.
Until finally I have to spend every other weekend at his house even though I don't want to. And I did speak to a judge about my wishes but he told me it was in my best interest to have a relationship with "my family." I really don't like being there and I try to only sleep in the bed I have at his house. I never take anything I care about and I don't have the room personalized or anything.
The thing about all this is my dad and his wife encourage their kids to spend time with me and engage with me. They like having me there and they told me before they wish I'd spend more time there and with them. The kids did nothing wrong but I don't want to focus on a relationship with them. I feel nothing for them. But it's expected that I'd be there for the big moments in their lives.
Not just by their parents but my dad's parents, who I don't know outside of some of the time I spent with him, also feel like I need to be a good brother and they expect me to take the role seriously. Which I find crazy since I don't know any of these people all that much and I don't want to. If it's not my dad's weekends, I do miss the big stuff and I don't try to be there for them.
I got invited to go trick or treating with them on Halloween. I said no. I got a reply back that they really wanted me to come. I didn't, and I got sent so many texts from my dad's phone and phones that I assume are his wife's and his parents claiming I'm shitty for missing another big moment for my half siblings. I blocked the others but dad's number is still doing this s--t. AITA?
The commenters had a lot to say in response.
Comfortable-Sea-2454 wrote:
NTA. I got invited to go trick or treating with them on Halloween. I said no. I got a reply back that they really wanted me to come. I didn't, and I got sent so many texts from my dad's phone and phones that I assume are his wife's and his parents claiming I'm sh--ty for missing another big moment for my half siblings.
I blocked the others but dad's number is still doing this shit.
This is your dad's "do-over" family and you have no relationship with them. BTW, how is Halloween Trick or Treating being a "big moment" for your half-sibs?
OP responded:
That's what I wondered. Maybe in the sense they'd remember it when they're older as a stand out kinda thing but it's such a weak argument and it makes no sense to me that it would be a "big moment" for them.
sickofdriving007 wrote:
NTA. He has a lot of nerve considering how many of your big moments he missed over the years. Stand firm and in a couple of years the judge will have to take your feelings into account.
OP responded:
In a couple of years the judge won't be able to decide in any of this. And then they'll all be dropped right away because I see this as totally temporary anyway.
No-Comfortable-3918 wrote:
NTA. Tell your do over family that you will attend one "big moment" for each one of your's that your dad attended the last 16 years.
Kmia55 wrote:
Did you remind your dad of his history as your father vs his history with your half-sibling? Tell him you will let him know when you are comfortable with the family he made, if you ever are. NTA.
OP responded:
I have reminded him.
bestbobever wrote:
NTA. Your dad is trying to force a connection with you in spite of basically abandoning you for years. He wants the illusion of a happy family without the work of trying to actually take any accountability for his actions nor doing the necessary work to try and repair the relationship he destroyed.
Even if he was willing though…some things, once destroyed, can’t be rebuilt. My only question is how is he getting court mandated visitation if he is still not paying child support? That seems a little weird unless your mother is the on board forcing the issue.
whichwitch9 wrote:
NTA. I'd be honest with your dad- he wasn't around and you don't view him as a parent as a result. You are only there because a judge is forcing you. It's very unkind of him to be absent for these moments while you were growing up but force you to be part of these moments for his new family.
The har-ssment is unwarranted and unappreciated- you have the right to your feelings, experiences, and most importantly your own life away from his new family This is not on you to fix. Your dad needs to do that, if it's possible at this point. Block your grandparents permanently.