Woman demoted from bridesmaid to guest after panic attack at her own wedding, refuses to attend. AITA?
"AITA for not attending my best friend's wedding?"
Alternativebe1
My friend [27/f] asked me [28/f] to be one of her bridesmaids for her wedding. She was my maid of honor two years ago, and before that, we'd always say we'd be each other's maid of honor (we've been friends for 20 years).
When she asked me to be a bridesmaid, it stung a bit, to be honest, but seeing as she has a twin sister that she is close to, it made sense that she should be her maid of honor.
The issue I really had with this is that, at one point, before I did barely anything as a bridesmaid, she told me, "You don't have to stand with the other bridesmaid's during the wedding."
I found it weird that she was saying that, but I replied, "no, I want to be there with all of you". After a bit of back and forth, she admitted she doesn't want me standing there with everyone because of my fear of being the center of attention and my social anxiety.
She was worried that I would have a panic attack just like I did standing there at my own wedding. Honestly, it was bad during my wedding because I was shaking and couldn't breathe, and everyone's terrified reaction made it even worse for me.
I had to leave and come back to just me, my husband, and my mother to continue our vows and such while everyone else moved on to the reception. I couldn't even go join them until I was drunk enough to not feel embarrassed.
I've been to therapy since then and have made huge progress regarding my social anxiety and my best friend knows this. I felt hurt that she didn't trust me enough to let me stand with the others.
I told her I was so much calmer and less anxious now, and I won't even be the center of attention like I was when I was the bride. She said she acknowledged my improvement but just doesn't want to take chances.
She said she doesn't want to embarrass me again and that she would just feel worried about me the whole time, and was also worried that I would ruin the mood of the wedding if I did happen to have a panic attack.
I eventually told her that I'd just rather be a guest if I can't do all the bridesmaid stuff. On the day of her wedding, I was just so sick to my stomach with hurt and sadness that I was merely going as a guest to her wedding that I just decided not to go because I felt so left out.
Now she is very mad at me for making her feel bad at her wedding. She thinks I was trying to hurt her and make her feel guilty because of what she thinks was a reasonable request.
I didn't mean to hurt her but I just couldn't go because I was overwhelmed with hurt. The people I've talked to are all divided on who is the AH in this situation. I feel bad for ruining her mood on her wedding day but I still feel what she asked of me was hurtful. AITA in this situation?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Ornery-Octopus
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. YTA Shes not the A H because she doesn’t want you causing a scene at her wedding. Which 100% would have happened based on your reaction to her decision.
See, you're someone who despite saying you don’t like being the center of attention, will find some way to make everything about yourself. Theres no such thing as a MOH exchange program.
Just because you picked her does not entitle you to the same position at her wedding. Especially in light of what went on at yours which is so beyond the norm that it’s not even worth risking.
You may think you’ve got a brand new, shiny, fresh out-of-the-box ability to self-control. You do not. Your reactions are out of whack, and frankly out of line. You need to get some more therapy, probably from someone else. You are not some wronged party. Again, YTA. Big time.
Ignantsage
Can we address the fact that based on OPs story of their own wedding due to their panic attack no bridesmaids, groomsmen, or guest could be there during the vows? And now is offended she can’t be stand there during the vows because she might ruin it for everyone?
you-dont-say1330
I have horrible social anxiety and 100 years ago 😂 when I got married to the ex at a Catholic ceremony with 200 guests - I went to start up the aisle and had to take several deep breaths before I could do it. But my God - we had 200 people waiting and I made it up that damn aisle!
Mother_Tradition_774
YTA. Are you aware that you basically proved her point? She was worried that your emotions would get the best of you and that’s exactly what happened. You were so overwhelmed with sadness that you couldn’t bring yourself to attend her wedding even though you said you would attend.
Why should she trust that you wouldn’t have a breakdown during her wedding? While you might have made some progress, I don’t think you’re as far removed from your struggles as you think.
let-the-wookie-win54
YTA. I feel like you’re making this about you when at the end of the day, it’s her wedding. I know this is a longstanding friendship, but this reads to me as the bride just trying to minimize the different things going on that are adding to her anxiety on what is for most people a pretty hectic day.
It seems to me that she was trying to balance that along with including you. I also personally don’t feel that being “just a guest” at someone’s wedding should be this inherently hurtful thing. I think you should have gone to the ceremony and party and supported your friend.
Content_Pineapple838
YTA Overwhelmed with sadness??? Wtf. Get a grip. She was looking out for you and instead you made it about yourself. You chose to martyr yourself by being a guest, so don’t take that out on her and her day. Clearly you haven’t improved much especially since your anxiety seems to be bordering on self-centredness (more common than people think).
MissNicoleElyse
YTA . It sounds like you have a serious case of main character syndrome. I don’t fault you for your anxiety but your friends wedding is NOT the place to put this to the test. Deciding to bail on her wedding at the last second was another AH move.
Her wedding is not about YOU and now you’ve gone and tainted what should have been the happiest day of her life. It sounds to me like you haven’t done as much work on yourself as you think you have.