'AITA for not canceling a non-refundable trip for Thanksgiving and making our in-laws unhappy?' UPDATED 3X
"AITA for not canceling a non-refundable trip for Thanksgiving?"
My in-laws always do Thanksgiving the Saturday after. My husband (28M) and I (26F) bought tickets to a dinner theater over a year ago that are non-refundable (almost $200). When we purchased them, we didn’t realize it was the Saturday after until about two weeks later. I immediately texted my MIL letting her know that if they did it the Saturday after this year (2024) we wouldn’t be able to make it.
(Texted her 11/10/2023) We invited them to our house for actual Thanksgiving day as my husband and I (and kids) stay home on actual holidays. They of course complained and my FIL told my husband that he knew they did Thanksgiving the Saturday after and that it seems we are just waiting for a funeral.
(We have a medically complex son, they live an hour away and it’s hard to travel with him). AITA for not eating the cost of those tickets because they decided to still stay on the weekend after even after we told them over a year ago that we wouldn’t be able to go?
Not long after posting, OP jumped on with three updates.
Update: I am not at all upset that they DIDN’T change the day, ultimately it is up to them on when they want to host it. Personally I just think it’s not exactly fair for them to expect us to change our plans that we made over a year ago and informed them of the date.
2nd update: please see some of my comments there is a character limit on this portion. I should have checked the date and I admit that, we haven’t had a date in almost three years and just got excited and I didn’t think to check when Thanksgiving was. They also don’t care to see or talk to us the rest of the year, it only becomes a problem on holidays.
3rd edit : Funeral comment was made because we aren’t able to see them that often due to our sons needs and the travel with our son, that we are basically just waiting for one of them to die. (He was dr-nk when he sent it…so that’s was our interpretation of it).
The commenters had a lot to say in response.
Dull-Assistances1910 wrote:
In part, the answer depends on how much $200 means to you. If you have Elon Musk money, then of course, you'd eat the $200. If you're a normal, young family, where every dollar counts, then it is really bad for your inlaws to lay this guilt on you. In my world, a good parent would be delighted that their son and his wife had an opportunity for a nice evening out. So I say NTA.
OP responded:
Definitely not Elon musk money…we live paycheck to paycheck and really had to plan for this night out…
houseonpost wrote:
NTA: But your husband should be dealing with his parents, not you.
OP responded:
I 1000% agree, I have been telling him that since we got together in 2016…he unfortunately has been their punching bag and he has just found it easier to put up with it than deal/confront it. I have never been that person. I always stood my ground which has made 90% of his family hate me because I use my voice and he doesn’t...which I have accepted. But it always comes back to it’s my fault.
Kitotterkat wrote:
NAH because you told them, but I kind of think they still have a reason to be upset. you started this story with saying that your in laws ALWAYS do thanksgiving the saturday after. for holiday traditions I see dates like this as a standing “in perpetuity” appointment until you have a family conversation and change the plans.
So I think it was kinda lame to change the plans without discussing it with them first and informing them after. I think this is also compounded by the fact that other people besides your family attend your in laws’ thanksgiving, so your alternative of them coming over on thanksgiving wasn’t sufficient.
OP responded:
We didn’t realize it was the Saturday after until 2 weeks after… and we have no plans with my side of the family either and they were just fine as my husband and I haven’t had a date in almost 3 years due to our eldest child’s medical needs. The only baby sitters we have are my parents and a family friend who are willing to learn and attend to his needs. So it’s not like we have a lot of options.
PhysicsTeachMom wrote:
I’m sorry but why are you traveling to them at all? When a family member is ill, medically fragile, or frail you travel to them. Stop making the effort for people who don’t care about you, your husband or your kids.
Your husband seems ambivalent about the relationship. Follow his lead. I had to do that with my MIL for my husband’s mental well-being and we were friends before (she’s older than me). She was a good friend but a truly awful mother. NTA.
ExcellentAbroad7 wrote:
What if you didn’t go to their thanksgiving just because you didn’t want to? This is 2024 and we should all be past the guilt visits. If you don’t want to see us the rest of the year why should we travel to you just because it’s a holiday? You are a married family and it’s completely justified that one year you just might not want to go. Enjoy your date!!
OP responded:
I do 100% agree with this. We should go because we want to, not because we feel obligated.
Notahungryracoon wrote:
NTA. People with severely disabled children understand how rare it is to get a chance to do something for yourself. What an awful thing for him to say about his grandchild just because he hasn't got his own way ONE thanksgiving.