'AITA for not forgiving my former friend and saying I'll leave my husband if he reconciles with her?'
"AITA for not forgiving my former friend and saying I'll leave my husband if he reconciles with her?"
My husband had a friend "Erin" who he grew up with. When I married him Erin and I got along great and she was one of my best friends for about 7 years. My husband has a daughter "Katelyn" and I had a daughter "Rachel"
Katelyn and I never had a close relationship as she didn't want one, but I thought we were all fine. Then when the girls were both seniors in high school, Rachel broke down and told me Katelyn and her friends had been bullying her for a while. She said they made sure no boys talked to her, whispered about her at school, and Katelyn had embarrassed her just that day in front of a group.
I was irate but tried to think straight. My husband and I confronted Katelyn and she didn't really deny it. She didn't have much to say and then suddenly blew up about how she never asked for a step family. She admitted she had been bullying Rachel for years. I demanded her father punish her.
He was going to just ground her but that seemed so minor after what she had done to Rachel. He agreed that she was grounded for the rest of the school year (2.5 months), no prom, and we would be donating some of her fancy clothes to charity.
We went out that night to get some dinner. Katelyn said she didn't want to eat, so she stayed home and when we returned all of her stuff was gone. She had a lot of stuff and there is no way she could have gotten it all out in an hour, so we checked the cameras and she had some boys helping her.
Her dad tracked her phone and found out she was at Erin's house. We went get there Erin said to let her stay, that she needs love and patience, not discipline. She said our punishment was too harsh.
I was blindsided and we demanded Katelyn come with us, but she wouldn't. The police were called and pretty much said she was close enough to 18 that they wouldn't get involved.
So basically Katelyn got no punishment. We took her phone that night but that was it. Erin let her drive a car she owned, let her stay there for free on all of her breaks from college, and even gave her a cushy summer job.
Erin is dead to me. I will never forgive her, but recently she sent us a long text about how she is getting married, she misses our friendship, so much time has past. She said she just wanted to help Katelyn and if we could see Katelyn now, we would know she did the right thing.
I told her to never contact me again. My husband thought that was cruel and asked if we could consider going to coffee and just hearing her side. I blew up and said he was failing Rachel and if he chose Erin over us I would leave him. He has been quiet ever since and still thinks I'm being harsh.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
What if the kids were reversed? And your kid was the bully, she ran away when punished... would you still feel the same way?
Mammoth-String5051 OP responded:
I would forgive my daughter (as I’m willing to do with Katelyn but she doesn’t want contact) but I would still never forgive Erin for her role in it.
YTA, yes. You're threatening to divorce a man if he takes a step towards reconciling with his daughter and childhood friend. Were they wrong? Yes. But you're TA because what you're asking of him is way too much and completely unfair.
Mammoth-String5051 OP responded:
Katelyn is not willing to reconcile. I previously was open to Erin helping with that and Katelyn said absolutely not. This is strictly about being friends with Erin again.
If Katelyn has never reached out to apologize to Rachel then she hasn't changed. Period.
Wait this dude no longer has a relationship with his daughter? Dont get me wrong. Katelyn was a brat but if he really gave up his daughter for his new family he’s a world class s^%$bag…
Mammoth-String5051 OP responded:
He didn't stop seeing her. She doesn't want to see him. We would have addressed her feelings at the time but she didn't express them. She has always been very private and closed off. Katelyn is 23 now.