'AITA for refusing to give my mom an "emergency key" to my GF and my place?' UPDATED 3X

"AITA for not giving my mom a key to my girlfriend and my place?"

Here's the original post:

I (25 M) have been dating my girlfriend Lacey (24 F) for six years. We met when she was a freshman because she became friends with one of my close friends, and I was enamored with her immediately after seeing her. After a couple of years of saving, we decided we wanted to take the next step and buy a house together. Nothing big, just like an apartment or a townhouse.

With the help of Lacey's father, we purchased a townhouse a month ago. Now for some background, that led to my decision not to give my mom a key. My mother has never liked Lacey. There was and is always a complaint. Her dyed hair, her "revealing" clothes, her clothing style, her facial piercings, her tattoos, etc.

The most recent complaint is that Lacey only works a few part-time hours while I work full time ( Lacey is a Ph.D. neuroscience student), but even if she wasn't a student, it's not her business how our dynamic works. If she can't act amicably towards my other half, who has been nothing but kind to her, then I don't want her having access because I know she will intrude.

Onto the issue. Two weeks ago, we held a housewarming party for our parents after we were mostly settled in. After dinner, while we were all drinking coffee in the living room, my mom asked me when she would be getting an emergency key. I told her we gave it to our friends because they are closest (that's a lie we gave one to Lacey's parents).

She got upset, saying emergency keys are for family only and she needs one. I told her she didn't need one, and if something happened, my friends had access. I could tell it upset her but she stopped. The next day I got a call from her, and when I answered, she was wailing, saying she knew "Lacey was up to this".

I told her it was BOTH of our decisions to give the key to our friends and that Lacey isn't an evil villain conspiring against her. She then switched to anger, saying I can't cover for her all the time to which I hung up. Ever since I have been getting guilt trippy texts from my mother and my father about me breaking her heart because I'm shutting her out. AITA? Is it really THAT bad she does not have a key?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

[deleted] said:

NTA. Give her a fake key and I guarantee 💯 % she will be complaining within days about her "emergency" key not working.

buildabridgeoutofher said:

NTA but please know YWBTA if you gave your mother a key at this point. Adult temper tantrums like this are unacceptable and your boundary is beyond reasonable. I hope it’s clear to you, but it’s very clear to me that this has nothing to do with an “emergency key” and everything to do with your mom being unable to get what she wants.

[deleted] said:

NTA. Your mother is doing an excellent job of demonstrating why you should never give her a key under any circumstances. In fact, you should probably warn building security about her, in case she tries to go around you, because there is no damn way she’s worried about “emergencies” and not either digging up dirt on Lacey or simply making her feel unwelcome in her own home.

(And while I’m sure you will get plenty of r/justnomil recommendations, if you didn’t craft this story based on the ones already there, please take a good long read, ‘cause I’m betting you’ll spot a lot of familiar behaviors.)

ChakraMama318 said:

NTA. At all, in fact, you get the awesome boyfriend award. What I would do is send your mom and dad the following: “Mom, I love you very much. However, in the last six years you have made it very clear that you don’t like Lacey. You have blamed her for everything under the sun, and have had enough.

First- you will not be getting an emergency key. They are not “just for family”. Emergency keys are for who we decide will get them. I decided that as you clearly disapprove of my partner of 6 years, who I now share a mortgage with, you will not be getting one. Why? Because this is her home. And she has the right to feel that the home we share is her safe space.

And knowing that someone who hates her has a key to come over whenever she wants, and who does not respect her boundaries or my autonomy, would not create a safe space.

Further, your constant anger towards her is misplaced. If you, dad, and I need to go to therapy as a family to discuss this further, please let me know when and where and I will be there. It is insulting because you seem to believe after 6 years I don’t know my own mind about the person I have decided to create a life with.

If either of you decide to send me these crazy texts, my first decision will be to block your number. My second will be to go no-contact with you. However, if you want to discuss this like adults, I am available to meet you at the restaurant of your choice.” That should send a strong message.

Verdict: NTA.

She later shared these two updates:

Update #1: well I took the advice of the comments. I texted my mom something along the lines of “no you will not be getting a key and that is my decision alone based on your treatment of Lacey through our entire relationship. I do not want to make her feel unwelcome in a home that she also owns.

You and I both know that you will go snooping and show up uninvited and I will not tolerate that. You need to let go of this competition between you and Lacey because I will always choose Lacey.” but much longer. I’m getting chewed out but the alternative is my girlfriend and I being walked all over so…

Update #2: I tried to talk to my dad about it since my mom is just on an angry rampage. No luck. My mother has escalated to calling/texting Lacey to insult her so I’m just blocking them both for now.

I sent my mom a final text letting her know I was disappointed that she couldn’t consider anyone else’s feelings but hers and if I decided to reach out again it would be on my time and that I wouldn’t hesitate to reblock if she spoke to Lacey like that again.

A month later, she shared this longer update:

To say that this month has been a shit show is an understatement. I really didn't think I would need to update beyond the ones on my original post but here we are. As per my original post, I and my partner have been struggling with my mom crossing boundaries and more specifically badgering me for a key to our new home.

I got a message on Facebook from my uncle around twoish weeks ago that my mother was in tears, couldn't sleep, and was a mess. He said that she has tried to contact me but since I blocked her on everything it wasn't possible. She wanted to invite us over for an apology dinner.

Later, when Lacey returned home from work I showed her the texts and told her that it is up to her whether we go or not as she is the one who was wronged by my mom. Lacey told me since it was my mother she wanted to give her another chance but if my mom did something like this ever again she was done.

I unblocked my mom, and we talked and set up a dinner at her place. When we first arrived everything was fine. My mom was being respectful and halfway through dinner gave a "sincere" apology to Lacey. Lacey responded that she appreciated and accepted her apology. My mom's face went sour and she asked "are you also not going to apologize to me?". Lacey said that she had nothing to apologize for.

For some reason, this triggered a massive meltdown on my mom's end. She started screaming incoherently that "this is what she was talking about" and she was tired of seeing "my son be with a she-devil". Lacey got up, thanked them for the meal, and walked out.

I quickly followed behind her as my mom stormed after us shouting insults with my dad trying to stop her, attracting the attention of her other neighbors who now think she's probably crazy. So as the comments originally suggested we are back at square one with them blocked most likely indefinitely. I would love to leave my dad unblocked but I know he'd let my mom contact me.

Edit: some of your comments about my dad have made me a lot more worried about what he's possibly dealing with at home. I'm going to talk to Lacey to see if she's comfortable with me reaching out for my dad alone at his work email since I know it's less likely for my mom to have access to that.

Small update: Lacey does want to move forward and attempt to just contact my dad. As some of you in the comments may have read, Lacey loved my dad a lot. They were close and blocking him has really upset her. I’m just REALLY hoping he does the right thing.