'AITA for not letting my kids visit their grandparents at Christmas because of religious conflict?'

"AITA for not letting my kids visit their grandparents?"

AITA for not allowing my kids to see their grandparents for Christmas break? Hello, everyone. I posted on here a couple of months ago after my ex’s wife staged a religious intervention when my son decided he wanted to to embrace Judaism and be Bar Mitvahed.

My ex and I share three children, "Amy" 18, "Tom" 16 and "Ben" 15. The people responding to that first post helped me to see that I was underreacting and I met with a lawyer for a custody order as we had just done our own thing.

I now have full decision-making for our children's religious upbringing and full custody. Ex has visitation every other weekend- I have been incredibly flexible and let him take them pretty much whenever he or the kids want. On his weekend I stay with my parents and he stays in the house. ONLY rule I made was the stepmother is not around them at all. Ever.

My kids are very close with their paternal grandparents GPs know that stepmother is not to be around them but twice when I picked them up she was there. Excuse was that she had just popped in quickly to drop off the baby. I asked them to let me know when they were sitting and we would plan a different day, but they said that it was a last-minute thing. OK, fine.

They want them to come for a five day visit over Christmas break (not 24/25) and I cannot trust that this woman will not come over. Ben still gets incredibly anxious with her (yes he is in therapy). My in-laws refuse to tell her that she cannot come over because they say they do not want to "be put in the middle" and that its "making them choose between their grands."

I reached out to my ex who said that since she isn't coming over for long he's not stopping it. He also said that there is nothing in the order that she cant be around and as his wife and mom of their sibling theres no reason that she should have to "tiptoe around."

He was incredibly dismissive, and I went nuclear on him. I told him that I have been letting him see them whenever despite only having two weekends a month that he was married to a sociopathic zealot and that if she continued to come around I would go back to court and ask for supervised visits and a restraining order against her. He hung up.

Then I asked the kids what they wanted. Come to find out the woman has been coming around a lot. Amy said their grandparents asked them not to say anything to "not upset me." I told my daughter that as an adult she can go but that her brothers would not be. Ben's look of relief broke my heart. Amy said and she felt weird when step showed up. Tom said he's w/ Ben.

Called xMIL- told her that the children not be coming back until they chose to. I said they were welcome to come over to see them. I said they were SO wrong to ask the kids to keep secrets. They called my ex who berated me for "punishing his parents." Stepmom sent me a text saying I was unfair. I think I'm right, but everyone else thinks I'm TA. Am I?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Pink-Light- wrote:

NTA. You’re protecting your kids, especially Ben, who has clearly been deeply affected by the stepmother’s actions. If the grandparents and your ex can’t respect the boundaries that are in place to support your children’s emotional well-being, then you’re well within your rights to limit contact.

It’s not about punishing anyone—it’s about ensuring a safe, stable environment for your kids, particularly since they’ve been asked to keep secrets, which is completely inappropriate.

OP responded:

Thank you. I appreciate it. Been beating myself up for the last couple of days wondering if I’m letting my anger at my ex and his new wife spill over onto them.

Hannahkelli wrote:

NTA. They have proven that they can't be trusted to protect your minor children and as their custodial parent, you're doing what you have to do to keep them safe. Period. This isn't a punishment, it's consequences - and people who are asking to spend time with children should absolutely know the difference.

Quite frankly, anyone who asks a child to keep a secret from their parents - especially a secret that involves explicitly going against the boundaries set forth by the parent - is someone who shouldn't be spending time alone with that child.

OP responded:

Their defense was that they did not ask them to keep it a secret or lie only to not mention it. SighI told him that they can see them at any time. We live less than 15 minutes away from them so it’s not like I’m cutting all access to them. I really don’t think they understand how much her attempting to “save them“ affected them.

snarkness_monster wrote:

NTA. Your children are old enough to set their own boundaries. If they don't want to go to GPs and/or interact with stepmom, they shouldn't be forced to. This is a critical teaching moment about boundaries and respect. Protect your children as best as you can, including legally, if ex and stepmom insist on stomping all over the boundaries set. GPs are also boundary stompers and can't be trusted.

OP responded:

Thank you. I appreciate your input. I get that my former in-laws love my kids as well as their new grandchild and don’t wanna be caught in the middle. But for the life of me after what happened I don’t understand how they can’t accept that.

I don’t want my children around her. It’s the only thing I’ve asked. And they’re acting like I’m banning them completely which I’m not. They can come visit them at our home at any time. We live less than 15 minutes from them.

bamf1701 wrote:

NTA. Not only are you following your children’s’ wishes, but they lied to you and asked your children to lie to you. If they want to call it punishing them, fine - they were the one who let stepmother over against your wishes. Their choice, they get to live with the consequences.

OP responded:

Their defense was that they only asked them not to mention it. I told her that she knew better than that and she actually had the grace to apologize. But, unfortunately, she’s very bad at boundaries. Both accepting other people's and setting her own.

Stepmom is also very pushy, and from what I understand has threatened to withhold their other grandchild...I told her I’m not doing that she can drive 15 minutes and see them whenever she would like, or we can meet her somewhere to do an activity together.

Fickle_toe1724 wrote:

NTA. Is it in the court order that stepmom can not be around the kids? If it is, go back to court. They violated the court order. Ask for supervised visitation only. If it is not in the court order, go back to court and get it ordered.

The grands are not safe for your kids to be around. Any one telling kids to not tell mom should not have access to the kids unsupervised. They can come visit the kids at your house. You should be there when the do.

Protect your kids. Go to court. Get stepmom banned altogether. Get dad supervised visitation only. Half a day, twice a month, somewhere safe with supervision by a social worker, or a p-lice officer.

Good luck.

OP responded:

My lawyer pushed for that as well as a restraining order from the very start and I should’ve listened, but I was still thinking that everything would eventually be worked out with some therapy and time. Obviously, I’m going to have to go scorched earth here since nobody else seems to see how crazy things have become or how much they are affecting the kids.

Tinkerpro wrote:

Sounds like the grand parents punished themselves. Nice that they get to make decisions for the kids. Glad the kids finally told you. It is sad that they didn’t feel comfortable to tell you sooner. Let their dad figure this out on his own. Let his parents figure this out on their own. You are very generous to let the come to your house to visit the children.

OP responed:

My daughter said her grandfather told her if I knew she was coming over and maybe they wouldn’t be allowed to see them anymore, plus it would upset me and i’d already had such a hard month. She’s very sensitive and loves her grandfather. He definitely manipulated her and I called him out on it. Not that it did any good.

Aryastark1313 wrote:

Who is “everyone else” and why do they matter? They don’t.

Do what’s best for your children and tell anyone who has a problem with that to f--k off 😝 NTA of course.

OP responded:

Thank you for the laugh…I needed it. It’s hard to undo 20 years of relationship with people… Especially when you tend to be a peacemaker/people pleaser. I’m sure my poor Therapist wants to rip her hair out some days lol