'AITA for not replying to my mother saying she has cancer?'

"AITA for not replying to my mother saying she has cancer?"

So this going to need some context and it's pretty heavy. I'll keep it as short as possible.

So growing up my mother was pretty much an alcoholic, which caused us to not have a good relationship. My relationship with my father was great, however.

Though she was emotionally abusive towards him and would often do things like put the heating on and leave the back door open (we were struggling financially), try and provoke him in to attacking her etc so she could play the victim or consistently accuse him of cheating.

He worked himself to a heart attack. About a year later he found out she was cheating and took his life. I found him. (I was 17). He left everything to me but she ended up getting the house and the £200k life insurance. I got £10k.

Not long after she tried kicking me out of the house & would do things like hide my car keys when I had to go to the solicitors. I assume out of fear that I would be entitled to the money. She even prevented me from reading the letter my dad left me (I was a minor so the police gave it her).

Fast forward nearly 20 years. I've been working minimum wage jobs and living in house shares into to make ends meet whilst I try and set up my own business. I've come to terms with the fact I'll probably never own my own house. The difficult part is I know that my dad thought I'd be set for life with that money.

She backed out of picking me up from surgery and I had to get a friend to wait in the hospital, or else they wouldn't operate. She wasn't there when I was being checked for brain tumours (luckily ok but scary to do alone)

I've had to live with the loss & the extreme ptsd but, out of a promise to my dad, & (admittedly cold) idea that what little is left from the inheritance should go to me, I didn't cut her out of my life... until a year ago when I went no contact.

(I've calculated and she has 'profited' over £400k from my dad's death. She used it to retire & has downsized her house twice to free up money. Her new husband lives there rent free and his kids / grandkids are more likely to get the inheritance that should have been mine)

During this no contact time she's rarely left me alone. Even messaging my business partners and friends.l to the point I've had to tell them to block her. She acts the concerned mother but I feel like it's to make me look bad.

Recently I opened up the idea of talking to her again, to see if there was a possibility to rebuild the relationship. (I know that is stupid having typed the above but I have no family and it is upsetting / lonely)

We suggested a walk & she suggested a date, which she then changed as she had a 'scan'. I messaged on the day of the scan to see if everything was ok and she said 'yes. The cancer is benign'.

At no point was cancer mentioned previously & I don't think she realises that benign means non-cancerous. I haven't replied and genuinely believe this is a method of guilting me / playing the victim.

Am I the asshole for thinking that / not replying?

agrty writes:

Okay so I'll be very honest with you because I have an exceptionally similar background except with me its not my mother its my father.

I won't go into much much detail but he just was never there for me, the court had to intervene so he could help my mother who worked 3 jobs in order to take care of me and the debt he left her with.

He is an alcoholic and gambling addict (last I heard) and there's a longer much longer list I could quote here.

When I was in my early 20s, my father reached out to tell me he had cancer. I was young but I had done therapy and I realised that he just derailed my life, he was constantly throwing me off balance wether through actions or through the consequences of said actions that you probably know well - deep feelings of anger, resentment, sadness, shame... and I decided not to engage with him whatsoever.

I decided that it was his own journey, his own path and that I would perhaps give him a chance one day if he came to me with an apology or something else as opposed to a piece of information to make me feel sorry for him, pity or even guilt trip me into talking to him and engaging with him.

This was 10 years ago. I won't lie to you that from time to time I think of it, my feelings have changed and time has healed me in a way. I feel you and this post, I don't think you should engage with your mother if she isn't going to provide you with some positivity and value in your life.

The fact that she messages your business partners, has undermined you financially and the stability of your future says a lot about what kind of relationship she wants to have with you, how she sees you in her life.

Let's see what readers thought:

gpoto writes:

You should not engage with her, you're not the asshole and if you're not in therapy I recommend that you give it a chance, it can be quite helpful. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

fortunef writes:

NTA. My mom had cancer, and if she had treated me like that (which is the main thing here) I would not have responded. She is selfish, and was looking for something. If you are in a better place without her, ignore her and live your best life.

reana writes:

If the separation from your mom has you lonely and so bothered by loss of family that you are considering going back to the abuse, why isn’t she similarly affected? The answer may be that she knows you need her more than she needs you.

Ask yourself if you are becoming your dad? Is having a heart attack and dying worth not being lonely for her?

Can you consider the solution to your feeling of loneliness can be solved without caving in to abuse. Seek therapy. Learn what a healthy relationship is about. Try volunteering where your contribution affects the well being of others. Help with animals, with kids, with the elderly, with foster kids trying to succeed in school, etc.