'AITA for not sharing my reception with my older sister since she can't afford her own?' UPDATED 2X
"AITAH for not sharing my reception with my older sister?"
Me & my partner are doing a renewing our vows is a few weeks. My older sister got married in court a week ago only telling 3 people then dropping it on Facebook. Everyone asked where her reception will be & she said she send out invitations soon. Yesterday I visited my mom with her since I can't drive due to medical reasons.
On the drive there she bring up her wedding & say she can't afford a reception. She drag on about the entire 45 minute drive there about it. I just stayed quiet as I knew what was doing. We had a good visit with my mom & left. On the way back she starts talk about me renewing my vows & how lucky I am to afford it.
About 15 minutes into the drive she comes up with idea of doing a double reception so she can celibate her marriage with everyone at the same time. I told her no as she wouldn't be able to contribute to it & I wasn't going to front the cost for her. She acted like I didn't say anything & just started talking about changes I need to make to "fit both of us" & a fair split guest list.
I just said I will not be sharing my reception with you. By the time she dropped me off she had a plan to entirely change the reception to her liking. I just told her I will not even invite her if she continues to push for this. She just says ok & speeds off. Today I woke up to an invite to "her" reception same time & place as mine on facebook.
She even posted about how kind I was to give her the chance to celebrate her marriage with everyone. I replied to the post saying that I never agree to that & she wouldn't even be allowed there anymore. Some people are now calling me AH for not just sharing the reception hall. It's a splite between my family on if I'm an AH or if my sister is over stepping.
TL;DR: My sister want to take over my reception & I refuse to share an even I'm paying for. I have several people saying I'm the AH as it's not my wedding only renewing vows & she can't afford a reception after her court wedding. Am I the AH for not sharing the reception with her?
Not long after posting, OP shared a small update.
Edit: I have security already & have a in person meeting today (day after post) with them to discuss the guest list & the possible ability of the uninvited one. Security was already part of the plan even before this incident due to other unkind family members who are not invited so what's adding one more.
The only reason I still talk to my sister is for my mother's sake & I will continue to be low contact with her unfortunately. Thank you for your kind worlds. I was starting to to think I might just be AH but then realize most people who are saying are people who wouldn't have been invited in the first place. I will update after the reception as there several people requesting it.
Commenters were super opinionated about the dynamic.
give-me-awards wrote:
NTA. Your sister is out of line trying to hijack your special day for her own benefit. It's your vow renewal, not a joint celebration. She needs to learn boundaries and respect your decisions. Stand your ground.
gastropodia42 wrote:
NTA.
A lot of people just have reception at home or a potluck in a park. She can have her own reception, she just wants to steal yours.
Olsson23_ wrote:
NTA. Your sister is overstepping by trying to hijack your event. She can have her own celebration, even if it's more modest. You shouldn't have to share or change your plans, especially since you're covering all the costs. Let people think what they want; it's your event, not hers.
PersonalityEqual334 wrote:
NTA, cancel this event and do it in a year or two...if you paid anything that can't be refund back just make sure she can't BS by saying you canceled so she can take it. Anyways, let people think whatever they want, since they know she can't afford the event, why don't they just offer it to her?
Magdovus wrote:
Time to lay it down, publicly.
Talk to the venue. No changes to be made without your approval, IN PERSON. Same with all vendors.
Hire security. In the US, you can get off-duty cops. If you do, provide endless coffee and cake and if any of their colleagues on duty drop by, they get some too. You will immediately be intensely popular with the local authorities.
Blow this up with high explosives. Or Facebook. Facebook is probably easier. Tag everyone she tagged, tag everyone you know, she knows, the priest doing her ceremony - everyone. Tell them that your sister is trying to steal your vow renewals. As such, she is uninvited. If anyone wants to disagree with you, you welcome comments. Uninvite them too. Give security a list.
OP responded:
Then venue I'm going has thier own security. I have a meeting with them tomorrow to inform then of the uninvited guests to look out for & have set the guest list in stone.
[deleted] wrote:
NTA. A reception doesn't have to be a huge affair. She can rent a community hall for a couple hundred dollars and either self cater using cheap food, do potluck, buy deli etc. And most halls have a sound system for music.
You may need to add security to your budget for your renewal.
OP responded:
Already done as I have a few unkind family members who are not invited so security was already hired.
Roughly three weeks later, OP shared an update.
Update the vow renewal ceremony went long so we where behind showing up to receptions. The shuddle showed up just in time to see security stopping my sister (without her husband) & other uninvited guest getting ID.
I ask my party to stay back a minute as I didn't want to over whelm the security. Granted to say it turn into a bit of entertainment. She had a couple hundred dollar dress & was trying overwhelmed the security with just the amount of people.
The guard had quite a voice & yell loudly that anyone who is here for dig sister reception is in the wrong place & will not allowed in unless they where on the guest list. A large group of her party just walked away. My big sister starts demanding to speak to the manager & how dare he scare people off. The manager show up alongside more security.
My sister puts on her best crying act ever but the manager just say she & her guest has 5 mintues to leave the property or the police will be involved. She storms off screaming about how it was unfair & how much money she wasted on a dress for this night. The rest of the night was uneventful & was really chill. The staff & security got a very good tip & any left over alchohol or food they wanted.
I hope that was the end of that but this morning I get a money request for $400 USD from my sister saying if I don't pay she will sue me. I have a lawyer so this is of no concern to me because she wouldn't have grounds to stand on. I swear she getting worse with time & need some mental help. I'm am limiting contact with her to email & only in regard to my mom's care.
The commenters had a lot to say in response.
Critical-Wear5802 wrote:
...just out of nosiness... How many uninvited guests of sister's showed up? Trying to figure out the size of her entitlement!
OP responded:
She had 6 family members that I didn't invite & 7 of her friends. So 13 in total that showed up. The reception hall was only rated for 25 people.
Mysterious-Nee67 wrote:
Too bad you can't get a restraining order against her. The entitlement and harassment are off the charts with your sister!
OP responded:
If it wasn't for needing to stay in contact for my mother's care then I probably would have one.
maroongrad wrote:
And to think, she wasted all that time she could have prepped for her own wedding. Instead, she rushed it so that she could use YOUR vow renewal for her reception. 100% that's why she did it. I'm glad your security was there and competent, congrats on your vow renewal.
I don't think she needs mental help so much as she needs to quit b-llying. She planned to steal your vow renewal right from the start when she got married only a few weeks before.
Goidelica wrote:
I'm really glad you got the night you deserved, pal. Wee bit of revenge too, I wager haha. Good luck to you both.