'AITA for not taking future MIL to the bridal appointment?' UPDATED
"AITA for not taking future MIL to the bridal appointment?"
I am looking for advice on how to kindly explain to my future MIL why she was not invited to my bridal appointment. I went to a sample sale back in December and wound up buying the first dress I tried on.
My 2 sisters and my mom were in the entourage. The dress was 60% off and was what I was looking for (simple, no lace, no beading, no mesh, fit and flair with a train) so it was a no brainer that it was the one. My expectations were low as I was worried there would not be a sample gown that would fit me, but this dress was it!
Now onto my future MIL. She has been so bitter this entire planning process and makes a face of disgust every time we show her our wedding plans (hates the colors, the venue, the food, the photographer...you name it, she will find something about it that she does not like).
I hate what I see when I look in the mirror, so I was not mentally prepared for her inevitable criticisms of the dress, as (in my opinion) it is in a way a criticism of my body. My fiancee disagreed and said she would never be so harsh about my looks, but I do not feel that way.
She would not have liked the experience. She would have talked me out of this dress. My future MIL is not one to buy something on the spot, she would have wanted me to go home and think on it before buying it.
Now, this is practical, but not how the sample sale worked, as you had to say yes on the spot otherwise it would go to another bride. She also would not have been able to see my vision, as the dress still needed alterations. For these reasons, I knew taking her along to the appointment would have resulted in tears, confusion, and not finding a dress.
I SWEAR I intended to take her to the next shopping trip, which wound up not being necessary, and if she had not started giving me the silent treatment, I was going to take her to a bridal fitting.
Now here is where I might be the AH. Since getting the dress without her present, her negative comments have gotten much worse and I have started getting my guard up as soon as we start talking about the wedding with her.
It is to the point where I cannot even handle constructive criticism from her because I am in full fight-or-flight mode when she is around. I am honestly not sure who is giving who the silent treatment at this point, but we have stopped talking to each other.
Tomorrow we are supposed to go have a talk with my fiancee present and I need to explain to her with a calm head why things have changed between us. I feel like this all could have been avoided if she had just come to the damn bridal appointment in the first place, and if I had a spine, I could have just ignored her comments and bought the dress anyways. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Apart-Ad-6518 said:
NTA. "I was not mentally prepared for her inevitable criticisms of the dress, as (in my opinion) it is in a way a criticism of my body." Why would you take someone that critial & negative along? "And makes a face of disgust every time we show her our wedding plans." To anything to do with your wedding?
DevotedRed said:
Tell her you are leaning on people who are supportive and that her negativity has really been affecting you lately. Apologise that her feelings were hurt but explain that her constant criticisms have been hurting you too. Then suggest a fresh start. NTA.
Jyqm said:
NTA, obviously, and if you aren't in therapy already, please get yourself there soon. The fact that you're seriously entertaining the notion, "But if I just let this person who is mean and abusive toward me have their way, maybe they wouldn't be so mean and abusive toward me?" is alarming.
You will presumably be dealing with this nasty woman for the rest of her natural life, and the time to set clear boundaries with her is right now. Don't let her walk into that wedding ceremony with the impression that she's got a new surrogate child she can push around and demean.
NotCreativeAtAll16 said:
NTA. You know who never came to one of my dress fitting for either wedding? My future MIL. Because YOU are the bride, and you need people thst you trust. And I don't know about you, but I wanted my dress to be a surprise to as many people as possible. She the AH for her actions, but your fiancée is also an AH in this case for not shutting his mom down.
Fancy-Repair-2893 said:
Nta, you don’t have a mil problem, it’s future husband problem. He should have stopped this months ago, he hasn’t. Either except she doesn’t like you and won’t say it to her son's face or breakup.
Heeler_Haven said:
NTA. The bridal dress shopping is for the people who support the BRIDE.... it's her closest friends and family, not the Groom's (or other bride's) side...Does she pull this crap in front of her son, or just when he's not there? She is not going to improve unless her own child shuts her down, completely.
UPDATE:
Well, we had the talk, and it was in some ways productive but in other ways, very not. For one, she made it clear she is happy we are getting married and wants this wedding to happen, I said thank you for that. However she is standing firm on continuing her "suggestions" and states she will no longer tell them to ME, but will continue giving her critiques to my future husband.
SO she won't change, and stands firm that she is simply having an opinion. The main problem is my fiance... he is upset with the outcome and thinks she should feel comfortable to give me suggestions, and I simply need to learn to take it better.
He said while I do not need to take her advice, she should still be able to give it... basically saying she need not change, but i should...so yeah...not too sure where to go from here because I love him very much but yeah I am sad I wish he would stand by me on this.