'AITA for not telling my fiancé that I can't have children?'
"AITA for not telling my fiancé I cant have children?"
I (29F) have always been open about not wanting children with people from the first date. I don't want to waste mine or their time. I met fiance (32M) ~2.5 years ago online. We had a lot in common including not wanting children.
He proposed 4 months ago and a few days ago we were at his parents house for dinner and his mother commented about his sister who is pregnant which led to talking about us having children.
When children come up I usually just change the subject asap but before I could find an opportunity fiance answered that we wouldnt start trying until after the wedding and after we have a house so we wouldnt have to worry about moving while i was pregnant. I was surprised but figured maybe he hadnt discussed not wanting children with his family and he was just not wanting to talk about it.
After when we were driving home I made a comment saying maybe we should tell his fam now we aren't having children to avoid talking about it down the road and then he told me he wasn't sure about being child free.
I was shocked and wasn't sure what to say except to tell him that i was sure and to ask when did he start thinking he might want children.
He told me he was never sure and that now he thought he wanted them. I was really hurt that he lied to me because when we started dating I was very clear that under no circumstance would I want children and if he wasn't sure it wouldn't work. We argued and he basically told me he thought I might change my mind. But he didnt know is that I was sterilised at 25.
When I was 22, despite using birth control, I got pregnant and terminated the pregnancy. Afterwards, the stress of that possibly happening again was too much and it began to take a toll on my mental and physical health.
To make a long story short after 2 years of looking from doctor to doctor I was able to find one willing to sterilize an unmarried, childless, early 20s year old women. My mental health improved over night as soon as I had a date scheduled and I no longer have so much anxiety. This was 1.5 years before i met fiance. I never said so because it doent matter because I dont want children.
I told him that I cant have children because I was sterilized and then he got mad at me for not telling him and that he might not have dated me if he knew. He called me an AH and dropped me off at home and went to stay with a friend.
At this point I'm not hopeful for the relationship. I am sad about it becasue i do love him but i was clear about children from the start becasue it is a deal breaker. what i want to know is if im the AH for not telling him I cant have children.
I've gotten messages from his friends saying I am, not that I worry about their bias opinions but I couple of my friends have said I should I have told him while others are on my side that is doent matter because I dont want children. So AITA?
EDIT:
I didn't mention that I am sterile because it is irrelevant to the fact that I dont what children. No adoption. No surrogacy. No step-parenting. I dont even want to babysit children for 3 mins while someone goes to take a sh*t. It never explicitly came up until now. On both our profiles we had said no children.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
SignalEchoFoxtrot said:
NTA. But he just gave you a golden opportunity to leave before you got married, I'd take it.
Eve-3 said:
NTA. You were very clear you didn't want children. That you are sterilized is irrelevant. If you changed your mind you could still adopt. But you aren't interested in changing your mind so it doesn't matter if you're sterilized or not, it's a no-child zone.
He's the ahole in this for telling you something and not meaning it. For planning a marriage based on a deception. For not even once thinking he needed to discuss this again. For not believing you when you told him all along that you didn't want children. And for having the nerve to think you're in the wrong on this for believing him all this time.
I'm so sorry your relationship is ending after you've invested so much in it. Sadly, it does show that he really didn't respect you. Better to find that out now than after you've bound yourself to him legally.
SmurfetteIsAussie said:
NTA. You don't want kids and were honest about it. You got sterilized, that's how certain you are. You could have been ambiguous and said you were infertile, you have him 100% truth. If someone says they don't want kids from the get go listen to them. So many people "think" the other person will change, and want kids at some stage or when they come along....They never do.
Ok-Reply9552 said:
Nta. You made it very clear that you didn’t want children (there was no need to bring up not being able to since you already didn’t want them). He lied to you and would’ve made a big deal out of you not getting pregnant after being married and having a house which would’ve been far worse.
At least you know now and since your goals clearly don’t align and he’s being a child then there’s rlly no point in continuing this.
DevelopmentBetter260 said:
NTA. What is it with men thinking women don't know their own minds or what they want. He thought either you'd change your mind, he could change your mind or he could trap you. You made sure none of those things can happen. Good luck with your future x.
Sohym9 said:
NTA, it wasn't relevant as you made it clear you never wanted children. You really dodged a bullet here, this couldn't be a bigger red flag.
Sissynoodle321 said:
NTA- you told him you were childfree. He’s the AH for lying to you & thinking he could change your mind after marriage