'AITA for not wanting to sign a postnup after 20 years of marriage?'
"AITA for not wanting to sign a postnup after 20 years of marriage?"
My (39F) husband (40M) and I have been together for 25 years and married for 20 years. We don’t have any children. We got together in high school and married soon after high school. I went to college and graduated with a business degree.
Got a corporate job while he attended college and figured out what he wanted to do professionally. A few years after I started my corporate job, I had saved enough for a down payment on a house.
I was able to save enough thanks to living with my in-laws rent free for 3 years. I purchased a property and since my husband didn’t have any income he was left out of the loan and the bank asked him to sign a quitclaim deed.
After 6 years in community college, my husband finally decided to quit college to focus on his freelance art career which brought him some income. He also got a part-time job to help with his expenses.
When I say his expenses it is mainly his gas, spending, and eating out. I’ve been the main provider for our home paying the mortgage, utilities, majority of entertainment/traveling expenses, all pet (2 dogs and a cat) expenses and groceries.
He lost his part-time job during COVID and during that time also had a back injury that pretty much disabled him from going back to work, so now he solely relies on his freelance art which is not always a reliable source of income.
A few years ago he inherited two properties from relatives. He wanted to build rental units in one of the properties but when he didn’t qualify for a loan, I stepped in and co-signed for the loan to take out equity and use the money to build the property.
He agreed to put me on title since the loan would be under both of our names. I helped him deal with the architect and city hall to pull permits. I was heavily involved pre-construction but we agreed that he would deal with the contractor.
Even then he asked me to help deal with the contractor once in a while and go with him to the inspections. When the money from the loan ran out, I put in some of my own funds to finish the project.
My husband said he would pay me back but 2 years later and I haven’t gotten it all back yet. Prior to getting the loan, he asked if I would be willing to sign a document stating that I had no claim to the property.
At the time I didn’t think much of it, but I hadn’t realized how much involvement I would actually have in the property. After construction was completed, I was in charge of finding a property management company, and before that I was the main contact for the rental posting while looking for tenants since he said he didn’t have the patience to deal with people.
A couple of years after the construction, he brought up the postnup again. After giving it some thought, while I agree that I don’t have any claim to the property solely on his name, I do have a claim to at-least the addition we made to the second property.
He says that I should have to benefit from his family’s inheritance. It makes me feel like trash that everything I did to help him build the units meant nothing. He says that me not signing the postnup makes him not trust me.
But a postnup was never an issue when he didn’t have any property and all we had was our residence that is under my name. He said that since he signed a quit claim deed, he doesn’t have claim to our residence, but that’s not how it works in a community property state.
I know a postnup would also benefit me in that I would protect my residence, my 401K, and any future alimony payments. But the distrust is so hurtful that I think at this point I would rather divorce.
I wouldn’t touch his properties but would demand to have him refinance to remove me from the loan on the rental property. I just don’t think I can get over the distrust and loss of self-respect if I were to sign a postnup after 20 years of marriage. It just makes me feel like such a doormat.
What would you do in this situation? Am I thinking about this wrong and not seeing his side? Am I being inconsiderate since the rental income would be his lifeline if we were to get divorced?
Just a side note. There is no suspicions about infidelity or anything like that. The thing is, I still love him very much and I know he loves me too. I just don’t know where all this mistrust is coming from.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
Do not sign anything that doesn’t recognize and reward your contributions to the property you are invested in. You’ve been supporting this man for 20 years, he owes you! The thought that he’s now so concerned with protecting his assets is sketchy. Honesty, I would have to wonder if he isn’t getting his affairs in order to divorce you.
Exactly. After 20 years, you deserve protection too. This sudden shift feels off trust your gut.
Agreed it is very sketchy-the urgency of making OP sign a prenup NOW after 20 years of marriage is a red flag. OP, talk to a lawyer. Signing a quit claim deed is really not a protection of that asset.
In a divorce, he could still be entitled to half of everything, including that house, your 401K, and more, depending on the jurisdiction you live in. And alimony, since you have been the primary breadwinner. So seriously-talk to a lawyer. A prenup should be fair for both parties, and in this case, may benefit you.
NTA- it sounds like he was fine mooching off you for 20 years, but now that he has money coming in he doesn’t want to share. After 20 years, I would not be thinking what happens if we split up. OP, that is what he is thinking. He has splitting up as a possibility. It makes me go back to was he just using you and now that he has his own thing he doesn’t need you anymore? That’s not love.
NTA. His request is out of left field, that's concerning. Plus you were so involved in making the properties he inherited profitable. I'd be on edge. Contact a divorce attorney about inheritances. In some states in a divorce they're automatically solely the one who inherited, not marital assets to be split. However, if it became commingled with your funds at any point, that would change.
If you're in a state that it's an automatic split, he may be thinking about divorce. Divorces aren't always due to infidelity. If in your state it's solely his & not split in event of divorce, your visit will ease your mind. Wishing you good luck OP. Hope you can get to the bottom of his request.