'AITA for potentially breaking up my aunt's marriage by calling her out to the family?' UPDATED 2X

"AITAH for potentially breaking up my aunt's marriage?"

This is difficult to explain, and things are still hard. I(17M) lost my parents last year, and I'm still going through lots of counseling, especially since I felt so much rage at the other driver that t-boned them, driving recklessly with his phone out texting. My mother had siblings out of state, and her parents, my maternal grandparents, that lived an hour away.

I am extremely close to the entire maternal side of my family, and they have been awesome giving emotional support this entire time, even from far away. It turns out my father has a sister, my aunt Judy(42F) who lives in town, but has been estranged from my father's side of the family for years, for reasons I didn't understand yet.

My father's wishes haven't been updated since whatever falling out happened, and my aunt Judy was listed as the preferred person to be my guardian. She lived in town, and it would mean I could stay in school where I grew up. She seemed really eager as well.

She was married to Gary(40sM), who was an alright guy, and worked at a counseling office, and even helped get me a referral to an awesome counselor who has helped me work through a lot of stuff. The problem is Judy is a control freak. I show up and she instantly said that I needed to drop all my father's 'bad teachings.'

She tried to put me on an insane diet the second my foot entered the door. Gary got her to back off on the insane diet stuff, but it never ended. She kept badmouthing my parents, about how my dad, her brother 'raised me wrong'. It was actually close to torture, and Gary did his best to make her back off, but whenever he was gone, she would go right back and try to 'parent' me again.

The final straw for me was when we went to my parents(we got weekly to clean stuff up, keep the house maintained), I guess now my, house and Aunt Judy made comments that she would like to destroy some of my dad's things. I instantly saw red and told her she has no right. She tried to lord over that as my 'only parent' she had every right to make me not turn out like her brother.

I called my grandparents, and bless them, they put the fear of God into her. She backed off, and I have been living at my family home again with my grandmother ever since, with my grandfather stopping in every weekend. I've kept in contact with Gary who has been awesome the whole time, but Aunt Judy has made no attempt to talk to me again.

I found out that Gary has started the divorce process and our visits have become less frequent, even though Gary has continued to offer support. I talked to Gary about this mess, and he admitted to me that if not for me being in the mix, he would have never known about how badly Aunt Judy would have acted with kids in the mix. He then said it was not my fault and it was never my fault.

He was actually grateful to know me and that I am a fine young man. Still, despite Gary's words, I can't help but feel responsible for being 'dumped' into their lives(Aunt Judy's words) and disrupting their marriage by causing strife. I feel awful being even an indirect cause of their divorce, and wonder if I could have just tolerated Aunt Judy's behavior until I graduated high school.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

xxpanda7 wrote:

NTA. She was estranged for a reason, and she made that abundantly clear to you and Gary.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you're in therapy!

JollyGeanGiant83 wrote:

NTA. Your aunt added more trouble to your life when what you needed was stability and affection. You didn't break up their marriage. It turns out their marriage was based on a lie (that Judy appeared to be a decent human being) and Gary is now correcting that.

Judy destroyed her own marriage and unfortunately you had to witness it.

It sounds like Gary is a good guy though, I hope you can keep him in your life. More supportive and caring people always welcome!

Away-understanding34 wrote:

NTA at all. Judy is an adult and she behaved horribly. Gary is finally opening his eyes. NONE of this is your fault. Do no take the problems these adults have on your shoulders. You have been through enough. I am so sorry that you lost your parents. Cherish your grandparents and hopefully find some joy in your life.

JTBlakeinNYC wrote:

NTA. I know it doesn’t feel this way right now, but you actually did Gary an enormous favor by giving him a chance to see what kind of parent she would be, particularly with a traumatized child.

One of the hardest lessons adults learn in life is that sometimes the very people we chose marry (and with whom we intended to have children) turn out to be fundamentally incapable of putting the needs of another person ahead of their own. And that’s something you simply have to do in order to be a parent, not just once or twice, but every single time, every single day.

Because the same kind of sh*t that is merely annoying or a minor setback when it happens to an adult can be absolutely life-altering when it happens to a child. Usually people only learn that their spouse isn’t fit to be a parent until after they’ve had a child, and that child has been traumatized by the spouse.

By that point, many adults have spent years with that person, and may be too old to have time to meet, marry and have a child with someone else. That is exactly what would have happened to Gary if he’d stayed with your aunt.

On a side note, just because Gary is divorcing your aunt doesn’t mean you have to lose touch. One of the most beautiful things you learn in life is that family doesn’t have to mean relationship by blood or marriage; it can mean those people who are always there for you, who love you and have your back.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Someone sent me a private message with a link to what was supposedly my aunt's post from months ago. It was deleted, but from the comments it mentioned things that did happen, like my aunt's die-hard vegan diet and my father's gun safe. Last night I contacted Aunt Judy for the last time. She sounded like she's been angry 24/7 and didn't know how to stop being angry.

She blamed me for her marriage's collapse. She blamed my father, her brother, for being a 'little shit'. She cursed out her deceased father, my grandpa, for 'raising us wrong'. She blamed Gary for not 'backing her up'. She even cursed out my mother and her parents for 'raising a little psycho(me I guess)'.

I have no memory of this woman until I moved in with her half a year ago. I was told she was around a lot before I was five, but I literally can't remember a thing about her. Now I'm glad my only exposure to her is only half a year. I told her I wish she would be happy instead of angry, and that just got her screaming some more until I hung up. I will never talk to her again.

The comments kept coming.

thepatriot74 wrote:

Sorry about your loss. Good that you have such supportive grandparents that saved you from that nutjob of an aunt. Gary is also a standup dude. NTA.

Born-Eggplant8313 wrote:

I just read your last post. Please don't feel guilty about Judy and Gary's marriage. His comment sounds like they were considering having children. If he hasn't seen her control issues come out with you then he likely would have with their children, and it sounds like this side of her was a deal breaker for him.

Scary-Cycle1508 wrote:

Oh you are DEFINITELY not the one at fault for the marriage going down the drain. Your aunt is a miserable and abusive control freak and Gary probably just didn't see anymore how bad she actually was, because it "slowly " turned this bad.

So when you were brought to them and he saw the sudden rules imposed on you, he realized what a horrible human being she was. You, in an essence, saved him from a miserable life. Now he'll be free to find a lovely, sane, woman.

Liketochillathome wrote:

NTA. you are not at fault for your Aunt's marriage breaking. She did that all by herself, your "Uncle" Gary has said confirmed that. How low does someone stoop to be that vile on the departed? Sad part is that she will probably never learn.

Months later, OP shared another update.

Last week I got off the phone with my, I guess no longer uncle Gary. His divorce terms with Aunt Judy has been finalized and now they have to wait out a clock, or something like that. Last night, Aunt Judy showed up and dumped a garbage bag of items I left at her place, like the hotplate and skillet, the hotplate smashed and the skillet mostly unharmed.

We didn't talk, and my grandma wants to get stuff like legal guardianship and a restraining order in place, but we only have about a year to wait until I turn 18.

Despite the dumping of the trashbag, my Aunt Judy has stayed far away and seems fearful of my maternal grandparents. Overall, I'm doing better and I'm not seeing the therapist as much and am trying to figure out where I should go next in life.

The internet continued to have OP's back.

ReaderReacting wrote:

I am VERY SORRY for your loss.

Be sure of a few things:

While you're being in the home may have opened Gary’s eyes to his wife’s behavior, you are in no way responsible for their split and you may have done him a favor.

Immediately after your parents’ death is no time to introduce you to new things, especially if that means badmouthing your parents.

There is nothing wrong with a vegan diet for people who want to follow a vegan diet. It is healthy and good for the environment. Forcing this diet on you when everything else in your life was changing was just stupid.

It’s good to hear your grandparents are helping you.

mocha_lattes wrote:

You absolutely did Gary a favor. Trust his word that you helped him out. I hope everything goes smoothly for you from here on out. OP you should also get into therapy when you can to deal with your anger at the driver and your aunt. It will help. Best of luck.

wlfwrtr wrote:

NTA You didn't blow up their marriage. You helped Gary probably more than you know. Chances are he over looked things she did because they didn't affect anyone else. With you he could no longer overlook them and had to open his eyes.

He sounds like he may want children one day so you essentially also saved those children from having a mother like her. You didn't blow anything up, you saved several people. Including your Uncle Gary who helped save you.

Soft_Wishes wrote:

It’s good to hear you’re feeling a bit better and starting to think about your future. Focus on building a stable and positive environment with your grandparents while planning your next steps. Therapy might still be helpful to process everything, but take things one day at a time—you’ve already shown resilience. Stay kind to yourself as you figure out what’s best for you moving forward!