'AITA for putting a pad lock on my son's bedroom door so my husband can't go in there?' UPDATED
"AITA for putting a pad lock on my son's bedroom door?"
My 41F son 22 left for basic training last Friday. I cried for days and I miss him very much. He called once to let me know that he was safe, but I most likely will not get to talk to him for the next twelve weeks. I went to the grocery store on Sunday, and when I came home I heard my daughter 16F screaming at my middle son 20M.
When I went to see what was going on, I saw my middle son carrying a laundry basket full of my oldest sons clothes and his PS4. I also saw my husband 42M (all of my kids bio father) putting the rest of his things in garbage bags.
My daughter was screaming at both of them to put everything back and that it was Trev's things and not garbage. I asked both my husband and middle son WTF was going on, my son said that his father told him he could take what he wants.
At that point I was livid with both of them and said that this was still Trev's home, and that until he told me otherwise, those were still his things and they will be kept in his room until he asks for them. My husband said that it didn't matter, Trev was a man now and his home would be wherever the military sent him. I told my husband that he was being cruel to Trev and that this would always be his home.
My daughter was hysterical at this point and I told them both that they were despicable for treating his room and things like a shopping mall. The next day I went out and bought a padlock for his bedroom door and I have one key in the glove box of my car, the other will be taken to my office and locked in my filing cabinet.
When my husband saw the padlock he flipped and told me that I was being overdramatic and that this was his house and he would just take a crowbar and pry it off. I told my husband and Jeff that if I saw either of them in that room again or found that someone tampered with that lock, they would both be out of the house.
My husband is now calling me a "grieving war widow" and my middle son is saying that he is entitled to the bigger room now that Trev is gone. Meanwhile all of this drama is making Trev leaving harder on my poor daughter who is truly having a hard time with her big brother being gone.
My husband is demanding I take the lock off of the door and let him clean out the room. I refuse to do this and told him that the only way the room is getting cleaned out would be if Trev no longer wants to live here.
AITA for putting a padlock on the door?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
purpleglitterkitty wrote:
NTA. Will your other son have all of his things put into trash bin bags too, you know since he’s a man as well. If your middle son wants a bigger room, he is welcome to find one in his own apartment, with his new roommate, your husband. Best of luck to your son, and thank him for his service. Stay strong momma.
badb-crow wrote:
NTA. I feel like a room switch could be negotiated with your sons in twelve weeks, but there's no reason at all for them to be stealing and throwing away Trev's things. They're still his things. Even if he ends up living elsewhere one assumes he, you know, wants his stuff.
affictionitis wrote:
Wow it is super weird to me that your other son and your husband are acting like Trev is dead, not just away for 12 weeks. Did they hate Trev or something? It sure seems like they do, considering they're literally stealing his stuff, his space, everything, apparently without ever having discussed it with him beforehand.
And their disrespect for your "empty nest syndrome" is also weird. It feels like they're being super passive-aggressive towards him, and you and your daughter by extension. And with that "this is his house" crack I'm wondering if there's some kind of beef between your husband and Trev that your husband has waited 'til now to vent.
Or maybe he's just feeling threatened by the fact that Trev is a man now. I have no suggestions on how to get past this, because I can't see how you get past such disrespectful, cruel behavior. I'm sorry your husband and son are AHs. NTA.
The next day, OP shared an update.
I went to bed shortly after I wrote this post, and wanted to thank everyone for commenting, even the negative ones. To answer a few questions:
1. I spoke to Jeff this morning and asked if he had talked to Trev prior to him leaving about taking his PS4 and clothes and he admitted he did not. I told him that he was stealing his brothers belongings and he had until noon today to return all of them.
He agreed, reluctantly to return everything. I told Jeff that if I saw him near his brothers room again, he would have to find some place else to live because I would not have my children stealing from each other, especially when the other child is not here.
2. I spoke to my husband this morning as well and asked why he did what he did, he has admitted that he is having a difficult time with Trev being gone and any time he walked past his room he was reminded that he isn't here anymore. He broke down and said that he missed him and he was sorry.
He too agreed that what they were doing was wrong and said that he would put everything back the way it was until Trev came home and decided what to do with his things/what he planned to take when he got to his permanent duty station.
My husband is former Navy, and he said that he is not there to protect his son and he is scared. He has seen combat and does not want his son to have to see the things that he saw.
3. The entire family agreed that Trev's room would be left the way it was while he was in boot camp/training school, especially since he was only able to take the clothes on his back and his phone when he left for basic.
The agreement was that when he was sent to his permanent duty station, he would make an inventory of the items he needed and we would store/donate what he did not want and ship the things that would not fit into a suitcase.
4. My daughter and her bubba are very close, this transition has been very hard on her, which in turn has made things worse for me because not only am I concerned about my son, but I am concerned about my poor daughter who is clearly struggling with him being gone.
My husband and I discussed it and we think it is wise to find her someone to talk to or even a sibling support group for active duty military where she can go and talk about her feelings and fears.
The comments kept coming.
badb_crow wrote:
NTA. I feel like a room switch could be negotiated with your sons in twelve weeks, but there's no reason at all for them to be stealing and throwing away Trev's things. They're still his things. Even if he ends up living elsewhere one assumes he, you know, wants his stuff.
purpleglitterkitty wrote:
NTA. Will your other son have all of his things put into trash bin bags too, you know since he’s a man as well. If your middle son wants a bigger room, he is welcome to find one in his own apartment, with his new roommate, your husband. Best of luck to your son, and thank him for his service. Stay strong momma.
affictionitis wrote:
Wow it is super weird to me that your other son and your husband are acting like Trev is dead, not just away for 12 weeks. Did they hate Trev or something? It sure seems like they do, considering they're literally stealing his stuff, his space, everything, apparently without ever having discussed it with him beforehand.
And their disrespect for your "empty nest syndrome" is also weird. It feels like they're being super passive-aggressive towards him, and you and your daughter by extension.
And with that "this is his house" crack I'm wondering if there's some kind of beef between your husband and Trev that your husband has waited 'til now to vent. Or maybe he's just feeling threatened by the fact that Trev is a man now. I have no suggestions on how to get past this, because I can't see how you get past such disrespectful, cruel behavior. I'm sorry your husband and son are assholes. NTA.
East_Rush wrote:
NTA...I believe in their mind Trev got out and is making something of himself and thus a sell out. Especially to the oldest since he’s still living at home and dad was just that ego boost he needed. I’m sorry your family is at odds about the situation...stay strong for Trev and be proud of him.