'AITA for refusing a threesome with my girlfriend's best friend?' MAJOR UPDATE

Compatibility is not just about romantic feelings, it also encompasses intimate desires.

In a popular post on the AITAH subreddit, a man asked if he was an AH for refusing a threesome with his GF's best friend. He wrote:

"AITAH for refusing a threesome with my girlfriend's best friend?"

My gf and her best friend have been friends for almost their entire adult lives, and they've had threesomes with previous partners, on both their sides. Now, I didn't know this until recently, as my gf mentioned this like a week or so before she asked me to if I wanted.

Now, this may be where I messed up, but my immediate answer was "F#$k no! I'm never doing that!" I'm VERY monogamous, and I'll be honest, the idea of being shared or sharing simply grosses me out. I don't think it's morally wrong or anything, but it's just not for me.

Apparently, my gf told her best friend and now the best friend is offended. My gf says I should apologize to her, but I don't think I did anything wrong here. Maybe I could have used better words, but it's not like the nest friend heard me.

The internet had a lot of comments and questions to add.

Shestammie wrote:

There’s no legitimacy behind being offended because your friends’ boyfriend doesn’t want to f#$k you.

It’s not your problem. NTA.

Key_Bullfrog569 wrote:

NTA. You should be able to have an unfiltered reaction with your partner, give them a true and potentially raw response to something. There are better ways to respond. You reacted. Now you can respond. My question is, why did your GF share your raw, unfiltered reaction with her best friend?

If it’s safe enough for threesomes- it’s safe enough for you to be honest. Or is it only safe for what they want/need? This already feels out of balance. Good luck.

BojackTrashMan wrote:

Also my first thought. The best friend would have nothing to react to if the girlfriend didn't stir up drama. The friend wasn't there to see the reaction and the girlfriend could have just said. He's not into threesomes and let that be the end of it. Some women can't handle being s*xually rejected or think that especially with an offer like that all men should want it. So it's some kind of an insult if they don't. It's s*xist.

Throwawaynotsure96 wrote:

Dude you genuinely don’t have to apologize for this! This is beyond ridiculous that they think you should. You entered into a relationship that was strictly monogamous and they threw this onto you. To be completely honest I’m shocked you would want to stay with your girlfriend at this point. Who is to say that she would have a threesome with her Best friend when she gets a partner and just not tell you.

United_Fig_6519 wrote:

NTA.

"Now, this may be where I messed up, but my immediate answer was "F*ck no! I'm never doing that!"

You have nothing to apologize . However since your gf clearly loves to share and have more people in bedroom your relationship in un-salvageable. She always needs more than one. You only need one.

Serenalyoung wrote:

I have read a lot of these comments and yours to me is the best advice and makes the most sense. I feel bad for OP, these girls will always have/want each other no matter what person they date.

Wlfwrtr wrote:

NTA Sounds like you were taken by surprise so you responded the way you did. Is GF and best friend in a relationship on the side? Is this why she wants a threesome, so they can be together without calling it cheating?

spikeymist wrote:

NTA this is a two yes one no scenario and you don't need to apologise for not wanting the threesome. It's not an attack on the friend it's a simple boundary that you don't wish to cross.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

Hello everyone, I figured I should post an update after all the advice you all gave me. So to start off, I had a talk with my gf and cleared somethings up. I told her I wasn't sorry for my decision or my reaction, but I told her it had nothing to do with her friend. I told her it didn't matter whom she suggested, it would have been a no.

Something I didn't think about that you all mentioned is what would happen if her friend asked for a threesome with her bf. The friend is single right now, so it's not a current issue. I asked my gf what would happen if her friend asked though. She said she thought it'd be cool, as the previous boyfriend's were, but after seeing my reaction, she knows I wouldn't approve.

She then asked me why I didn't want a threesome with two women. I told her I don't like the idea of having s*x with anyone but her. I asked if she needed to have threesomes to be satisfied. She tried to dodge the question and said "I mean, they're just fun you know, and it's become a habit by now." I told her it was a yes or no question. She still wouldn't give me a straight answer.

I decided that our sexual needs are just too different, and broke up with her. I'm sad that out of everything that could cause a break up, this was it me not wanting to have s*x with someone other than my gf. Also, to answer some of the comments, no, the friend wasn't ugly.

The internet had a lot to say in response to the update.

BeardManMichael wrote:

NTA, again. S*xual incompatibility is a real thing. This is a good example of that.

jutrmybe wrote:

Not just the sexual incompatibility, but the roping in of real feelings into something she would later describe as "fun" and a "habit." That is what struck me, the gf trying to guilt OP about her friend's feelings as if they were polyamorous or a throuple - like he already owed the other girl something.

Why did OP's private reaction have to be shared and commiserated over in such detail that it would elicit outraged reactions from both people - one who was not even there and did not have to know. Just doesn't seem right. OP did not sign up for the extra significant other. That alone gave me a red flag, and I think OP made the right decision.

madoracl3 wrote:

Still NTA. And in my opinion differing s*xual desires is a very valid reason to break up.

suhhhrena wrote:

This is how i feel. I think OP made the right call. For me, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who desired threesomes even if they didn’t go as far as OP’s ex did and ask me to have one with them.

Just the idea that my partner would even want that would be off-putting for me and make me feel like we would not be compatible s*xually, as I’m very very monogamous. S*xual compatibility is way more important than some people realize.

Rowana133 wrote:

NTA. Honestly it sounds like your ex gf and her best friend should just be a couple and look for a third to have s*x with when they feel like it, lol.

Meejin3 wrote:

Yeah. I was thinking the same thing. If they're that obsessed with threesomes together, it sounds like they're just using a third party to have s*x with each other and are afraid of the stigma they have in their heads of just having s*x alone with each other.

Idk if they romantically attracted to each other, but they're definitely s*xually attracted and using a threesome as an excuse.

OP is clearly NTA here, him and his GF simply weren't compatible.