Woman refuses to be surrogate for her friend; 'you already have kids. I want my own.' AITA?
"AITA for refusing to be a surrogate for my friend?'
Old_Maybe_9511
I (21 f) have known this friend (30 f) since I was a little girl, we'll call her Rebecca. Of course, we weren’t always friends. Our relationship started because her parents are friends with mine, and she babysat me when I was little.
When I was 16 and she was 26, she invited us to her wedding, and later on started coming over a lot on weekends with her husband and then kids, which I babysat. Somewhere along the line, she became someone I could trust, hang out frequently with her, with her family and separately.
She’s kinda like another big sister to me, and I adore her. Rebecca has 3 beautiful children, and I knew she was trying for another one. A few weeks ago she asked me out for coffee, and told me that due to her complications in her last pregnancy.
The doctors didn’t think it was safe for her to get pregnant again. I told her to let it out, hugged her, and then told her that natural childbirth isn’t the only way to be a mom, theres also adoption and surrogacy.
As an adoptee, I told her how i love my mom, even when we fight, and that I considered her my actual mom. She was really interested in surrogacy tho, and started looking into it.
Well, last week she and her husband invited me and my boyfriend for dinner, and said they had a favor to ask of us. She gave me flowers and asked me if I could be their surrogate.
I didn’t know what to say, and she just told me to sleep on it and give her an answer in a week. I’ve always wanted to be a mom, ever since i was a little girl. A young mom as well, having kids in my 20’s is my dream, but the actual childbirth terrifies me.
My boyfriend and I have even talked about adopting if I never feel ready to actually get pregnant. I love Rebecca, but the prospect of having a baby, having all that pregnancy experience and not being a mom, is don’t think I could do it.
I have the most respect for people who give up their babies or are surrogates, but i don’t think I could. So, today, I told Rebecca I was sorry, but that I can’t do it. She obviously cried, which was expected.
But she also said she couldn’t believe I was so selfish, that I was taking away her chance of being a mom, and that I was young so those wouldn’t affect if I ever wanted to get pregnant on my own.
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that and if I should just suck it up and do it.
So, AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
HelpfulMaybeMama
You will NEVER be an asshole for saying no. That's a big ask. No is the DEFAULT answer for such a question. I'll be honest. I didn't read your story, just the headline. There is no scenario under the earth in which you're required to be an incubator for a baby. Maternal mortality is real. My body, my choice is real. No is a complete sentence is real.
Pyro_vixen
NTA. Also I'm pretty sure you have to have had a successful birth to even be a surrogate. So even if you had wanted to you wouldn't be able to.
burgerman1960
Definitely not the AH and Rebecca is for trying to guilt you into carrying a baby for her. She’s toxic and you need to get her out of your life. There are women who gladly become surrogates. She should find and pay one of them.
Successful_Bitch107
NTA - First of all she is already a mom - you have not deprived her from an opportunity at motherhood, so don’t bother feeling guilty about that. Secondly, Rebecca knows first hand what complications go along with pregnancy.
She is being the selfish one putting this on you, not the other way around. You have every right to say know for any reason, don’t forget that, and all of the reasons you listed are extremely valid. Don’t let her guilt you, you do not deserve it.
Celticlady47
Your body is your choice. Don't allow her to guilt you into something you don't want to do. She also already has multiple children, so don't feel bad for saying no, (heck, even if she was childless, you shouldn't feel bad for declining this pressuring request).
ERVetSurgeon
NTA. It takes a huge toll on your body. You may not be able to work or you might have complications. Who would pay your medical bills and make up for your lost income?
Regardless os what she says, you will never be the same person afterwards. She is the AH for saying you are selfish. She is selfish and only think ing of her feelings and trying to guilt and manipulate you. Not much of a friend really.
Viperbunny
NTA. First and foremost, your body is yours. You don't own anyone the use of it. Not ever. Not even a little. Second, she has three children. She is selfish for demanding you carry another for her. You are also not a good candidate for a surrogate.
You haven't had your own children and want children, but have no idea how pregnancy will effect you. She is extra selfish because she was likely asking you so she didn't have to pay or pay full price for a surrogate, which is very expensive for a reason. What she is trying to do you is abusive and gross. I would not continue this friendship.
SoapGhost2022
NTA. She already has children so her “taking away her chance of being a mom” is just guilt tripping bullshoot. Second of all you can’t be a proper surrogate if you’ve never given birth before, so you would have to do it the ol’ turkey baster way and would not be compensated for your time, pain and possibility of having to miss out on work.