'AITA for refusing to date a widow? I left once I saw pictures of her late husband.' UPDATED

"AITAH for refusing to date a widow?"

I met this girl a while ago, and she invited me back to her place. She had pics of a guy all around and I asked her who he was. He is her late husband. I didn't ask, but she told me she lost him to a car accident some years ago. I think I made a face or something, cuz she asked me what was wrong. I told her that we should probably stop seeing each other, or just be friends.

She asked why, and I told her the truth, that I don't want to date a widow. For context, we both talked and said that this could be a serious relationship, we've been exclusive recently too, so it's not like this was meant to be a fling. She said we could talk about this, but I told her there's literally nothing she could do, and nothing I could do. I left.

I didn't go into detail with her, but the reason why I don't want to be with a widow is because I'd feel like she'd rather be with her first husband. The fact that she has pics of him around and I'm sure she'd want to talk about him often would only make it worse, and I won't even dare to ask her to stop or take down the pics. But I know this would wear on me.

The internet was opinionated on the matter.

manurosadilla wrote:

You’re NTA in the sense that you can exit a relationship for any reason or none at all whenever you want.

If you were at this stage, this should’ve been something you knew about before going into her home.

I think that your reasoning might be a little self centered, but your feelings are your feelings and that is just my opinion. I totally understand why you would feel this way and if it made you unsure about the relationship then the right move is to cut it off.

OP responded:

"I think that your reasoning might be a little self centered."

Is that a bad thing though? I empathize with what happened to her and her husband, but I know I couldn't mentally handle being with her, which isn't fair to either of us.

NorthYorkCentre wrote:

Seems like something she should have mentioned at some point before this. NTA.

OP responded:

I can see why she wouldn't mention it before, I imagine it's kind of hard for her to talk about, so I'm not mad at her not saying anything before.

offbrandbarbie wrote:

N T A for not wanting to be with her but YTA for how you went about it

You never have to be with someone and can dump them for any reason of course. But the way you did it was very cruel and callous to someone you supposedly cared about.

Like you say nothing she said can change her mind, fair. But I think you should have stayed and had the conversation with her so she can understand and digest why it was such a deal breaker for you. You’re probably not the first guy who was uncomfortable being with a widow and you probably won’t be the last, but this was super rude and tactless.

Foammattress32 wrote:

Lmao people calling op selfish like he’s owed to give his life to some woman just because she has a late husband. NTA , if she wants to have a serious partner she can take down her late husbands mementos when she’s ready to move on. Nobody is going to want to be second place to their own wife.

OP wrote:

I mean, she had like 10 pics of him at her place. 3 right next to her bed. He clearly means a lot to her. I know I couldn't ask her to take down the pic ever. Even if we got married, I wouldn't ask her to do that.

But I don't want her to feel like she HAS to do it either. Like, even if she agreed, I wouldn't want her to do it. But I know that if she kept those pics as they are, they'd only remind me that she's only with me because she can't be with him.

OriginalDao wrote:

It's okay to not want to date someone for any reason. Important to be upfront about that as soon as you discover they aren't the right fit, so that it doesn't lead them on. While you were talking about "this could be serious", it also sounds like you really just met her recently.

It might hurt her a bit that she's being rejected due to being a widow, but it also is fully your right to not want to date a widow. You're right that she will still have feelings for her husband, and that it would show up in ways that would require a lot of compassion and empathy from you.

A little less than two weeks later, OP shared an update.

So I had a talk with her.

I got lucky, cuz I wouldn't have blamed her if she didn't want to see me again, cuz admittedly I left pretty abruptly.

We met up, and after some small talk she asked why her being a widow was such a big deal to me. Btw, I'm 26, she's 28. I told her that I don't want to share my partner's heart with anyone, even if they're gone.

She was like "oh." She said that it's OK, that we could still have a relationship, and that just because her late husband is in her heart, that she can still love someone else. I told her that I'm just not going to be that someone else, but that I'm sure she can find someone. She was disappointed. We hugged it out and said our goodbyes.

Btw, just you all know, I don't think she's a bad person, and I don't think widow/widowers don't deserve love. But there are many conflicting feelings I get when even considering dating a widow. Some of you said "Well, once she gets to know you better, you can ask her to take down those photos" or something like that.

I dont WANT to force my S.O. to bury their feelings. Even if they're willing. I'd feel like an asshole if I asked them to do that. Maybe it'll be different when I'm older, or if in my lifetime I lose my S.O., but right now, I'm just not the kind of person that can be with a widow.

Just do you all know, I don't think Widows/Widowers don't deserve love. I'm just not the kind of person who can be with them.

Edit: Can't believe I have to say this: I am talking about ROMANCTIC LOVE, NOT LOVE TOWARDS FAMILY, CHILDREN, FRIENDS, ETC...

AND

I'm not saying they can't have loved anyone else BEFORE.

People were invested in the update.

Spare-Valuable8031 wrote:

NAH dude, I totally get this.

Story time: My great-grandmother was married to a man in her 20's, let's call him Tom. They were married for a handful of years (that's how she put it) before he died.

She was still young, so she remarried, had children, and lived a good life for 50 years with a man she loved and respected.

Before she died, she told me she didn't fear dying, she'd lived a good long life, and now it was time for her to be reunited with her dear Tom.

Cue stunned face from me, all of 12 years old

She lived to be 102.

She held on to Tom and his memory for 80 goddamn years. He was the true love of her life. Not the man she created a family and a home with and was buried next to. My point is, this is how I feel about my husband. No man is ever going to measure up or take his place. I fully expect to die thinking of him. That would be really unfair to any future partner I may have.

ConvivialKat wrote:

Speaking as a widow, I think you have the absolute right not to date anyone for any reason. If her being a widow makes you uncomfortable, then that's just how it is. It's no one's fault. No one is in the wrong in this situation.

I do think it was kind of you to take the time to explain to her why you weren't comfortable dating her anymore. That way, she isn't left wondering and making reasons up in her head.

Stunning_Sofii wrote:

It's understandable to have personal preferences and boundaries when it comes to dating. You've been honest and upfront with the woman about your feelings, and while she may be disappointed, you did not act in a way that was hurtful or disrespectful.

It's important to be honest with yourself and potential partners about what you're looking for in a relationship. Your honesty may save both of you from potential heartache down the line.

OK_Play2364 wrote:

NTA. I had the same situation some years ago. A man from work had lost his long time wife after her 8 year battle with brain cancer. I enjoyed talking with him and had met his two young adult daughters, (they worked with me for a summer intern job).

His wife sounded like a wonderful person who everyone loved. He even got a tattoo of her. Too much for me. Living in the shadow of a soul mate was not something I could do.

HYPURRDBLNKL wrote:

The OP is not wrong. It takes someone special to date a widow/widower. It's not comparable to an ex by any means. It's a compromise to some degree. I lost my wife of 26 years 3 years ago. Do I know I could love another, sure, buuuut my wife is always going to be remembered, and I love her dearly still and always will.

We built a life together, raised kids, all the ups and downs life has. She was and always will be the love of my life. We spent half our lives together and are only not together because Death's proces server showed up with a dissolution of marriage.

Has that not happened, I would still be with her. An ex is an ex for a reason, and not in the same category as the death of a spouse, for purposes of past loves. Whole different ballgame. The OP was mature in knowing what they are willing to except and knowing thier limits and communicated it early on.