'AITA for refusing to help my parents after they gave my sister their house?' UPDATED

"AITA for refusing to help my parents after they gave my sister their house?"

I (33M) have always had a complicated relationship with my parents. Growing up, my younger sister, Lily (30F), was clearly the favorite. They were more lenient with her, gave her more opportunities, and supported her financially in ways they never did for me. I accepted it over the years, figuring it was just the way things were.

A few months ago, my parents decided to downsize and move into a smaller home. Instead of selling their current house, which is the one we grew up in, they decided to give it to Lily. They said she "needed it more" because she’s starting a family and could use the space. They didn’t offer me anything—not even a conversation about it.

This hit me hard, especially since my wife and I are also planning to buy a home soon, and we could've really used some help. When I brought this up to my parents, they brushed it off and said Lily has always been the one who "needed" more support. I told them I felt hurt and left out, but they just acted like I was being selfish.

Fast forward to last week: my parents reached out asking if I could help them with some renovations on their new place. They want me to spend several weekends doing repairs and helping them move, all without any compensation or even acknowledgment of how unfair this situation feels to me.

I told them no, that I’m not willing to help after the way they handled giving away the house. They were shocked and accused me of being petty and ungrateful. Lily also chimed in, saying I’m causing unnecessary drama and making everything about me.

Now, my parents are barely speaking to me, and some extended family members have reached out, telling me I’m overreacting and that I should just help them out because "family comes first."

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:

TheSassiestPanda

NTA - I love when family who treat you like an afterthought think that ignoring you is some kind of punishment and not the actual gift that it is. 😂 Tell everyone who gives you that “family comes first” line that you’re happy to let your parents know that they’re willing to help them out instead. See how fast they drop the “family comes first” bs then.

sarcastic-pedant

Exactly! Some extended family members have reached out, telling me I’m overreacting and that I should just help them out because "family comes first."

OP tell them you completely agree with them, however you have never been the one who came first for your parents, so your sister should be paying back all their efforts and should be happy to take the lead here. I mean, if your parents can afford to downsize without selling their main home, they surely have the funds to hire in help.

You have decided to put your family first considering all the money you need to save for a deposit and the possible extra hours you have to work to achieve your goal without support from your parents, you will spend your weekends for the betterment of your family. Any flying monkeys must be willing to help, too, since they have an opinion.

ComprehensivePut5569

NTA - Tell them to ask Lily for help.

ptprn11

Ask your family how Family comes first when you come in last?

United-Manner20

NTA Lily feels that way because she’s the only person that benefited from their completely one-sided gift. Then going low contact is truly going to be what’s best right now for your mental health. You owe them nothing. Lily can help now that she doesn’t have to pay a mortgage payment.

Upset_Structure3547

Tell them to have your sister help them out. They should fix it right being she is the golden child. Move on with your wife and leave them behind because it's all toxic and blah blah blah and no need to have in your life. Have peace and create new family with your wife and enjoy your life.

LegitimateMove7645

If they can organise everything but free help it’s a their problem not yours NTA.

Lula_mlb

NTA. What are you suppose to be grateful for? Lilly and her husband can spend the foreseeable future helping your parents. Also, this is not about the house, this is a about the pattern of giving your sister everything and nothing to you. Last time I check, your parents have a house, your sister has a house, you are renting. How is your sister the one in need of more help?

Your sister will want things to remain the same, as it favors her, so I wouldn´t waste my breath with her. As for the rest of your relatives, let them know they are welcome to take turns helping with the renovations. You need to focus all your time and effort into saving and prepping to get your own house, as your family has never deemed you worthy of receiving help.

Later OP updated their post with this:

Edit 1: Wow, I didn’t expect this to blow up like it did. Thanks to everyone who commented; it really made me think about my situation from different perspectives. A lot has happened since I posted, so I figured I’d give you all an update.

After reading through your comments, I realized that I needed to have a more honest conversation with my parents. I went over to talk to them, hoping they’d understand how hurt I was by their decision to give the house to Lily without even considering my situation or discussing it with me. I explained that it wasn’t just about the house but the years of feeling like I’ve always been second to her.

Unfortunately, the conversation didn’t go as I’d hoped. My parents were immediately defensive. My mom insisted that they had every right to do what they wanted with their property and that I should be more understanding of Lily’s needs.

My dad doubled down, saying that they were just doing what was best for the family and that I was being selfish for making this about myself. They refused to acknowledge any favoritism or the impact their decision had on me.

As for Lily, when I confronted her, she basically dismissed my feelings. She told me she didn’t see what the big deal was and accused me of trying to stir up drama. She said that if the roles were reversed, she wouldn’t be upset and implied that I was overreacting. I tried to explain how it felt to be overlooked for so long, but she just shrugged it off and told me to move on.

At this point, I’ve decided to step back. I’ve agreed to help my parents with the renovations because I don’t want to burn bridges completely, but I made it clear that this doesn’t mean I’m okay with how they handled things. They offered to pay me for my time, but honestly, it feels like a way to brush off the real issues.

I’m not sure if our relationship will ever fully recover, but I’m focusing on setting boundaries and prioritizing my own well-being. Thanks again to everyone who shared their thoughts—it’s been really validating to know that my feelings are justified, even if my family doesn’t see it that way.

If anyone has advice on how I should continue then please let me know. It would help a lot as they are my parents and I still love them. It’s hard for me to just cut them out of my life even with favouritism. Thanks Y’all.

Edit 2: Thanks again to y’all for your comments. Some of the more recent ones have been a wake up call for me.

Since my last update, I decided that if I was going to help with the renovations, it needed to be a team effort. Given that Lily is the one who’s going to benefit from the house, it only seemed fair that she should help out too.

So, when my parents asked me again to assist with the renovations, I told them I’d only agree if Lily also pitched in. I made it clear that I’m not willing to do all the work while she just reaps the rewards.

At first, they were resistant and said that Lily’s busy with work and planning her move. But I stood my ground, explaining that if she’s old enough to get the house, she’s old enough to take on some responsibility for it too.

This led to a pretty intense argument. My parents tried to guilt-trip me, saying I was being unreasonable and that I should just help out because “it’s family” (same bull**** line). Lily wasn’t happy either—when I confronted her about it, she flat-out refused at first.

She said she didn’t have the time or energy to deal with renovations and argued that our parents were the ones who should handle it since they’re the ones who offered her the house.

I didn’t back down. I told her that it wasn’t fair for me to shoulder all the work while she got the house handed to her. We went back and forth for a while, and it got pretty heated. Eventually, I think she realized I wasn’t going to budge, and she reluctantly agreed to help.

It wasn’t an easy win, but we’ve now made plans to work on the house together. She’s not thrilled about it, and I can tell she’s only doing it to keep the peace, but at least she’s agreed to take some responsibility.

I’m still not entirely happy with how things have played out, but at least I’m not the only one putting in the effort. Hopefully, this can be a step toward a more balanced relationship moving forward, though I’m not holding my breath. I’m glad I’ve had you guy’s help over the last few days.

Thanks again for all the advice and support. It’s been really great to hear from people who understand where I’m coming from. I’ll keep you all updated if anything else happens.