Man refuses to divide kids’ college savings for partner’s daughter; 'AITA for refusing to pay for college?' + UPDATE
"AITA for refusing to pay for college?"
I (51M) have 2 children – Katie (F17) and Mark (M15). I am seeing a lovely lady – Alice who has 1 child – Eliza (F17). We met because our daughters are friends and have been seeing each other about 18 months and have lived together for 6 months.
Though we currently live together, our finances are pretty separate. Financially I do pretty well and I make more than she does, so I pay about 80% of the “house” bills. In addition we both pay for own individual expenses and for those of our children – clothes, cars, cell phones, spending money, etc.
It had been going really well and we were talking marriage – which means combined finances. So we started looking at what a budget might look like and it went pretty well, though we both had to compromise a bit on what we wanted.
Then we got to college savings. I put a certain amount of money into Katie and Mark’s college funds each month and I assumed we would be doing the same for Eliza. It turns out that Eliza does not have a college savings account. There is no money set aside for her future education at all. I was stunned.
I know Eliza is planning on going to college. Where to go is one of the favorite topics of conversation at the dinner table for both girls. Eliza is not gifted athletically or academically, so there is little chance of a scholarship.
I asked Alice what her plan was and she replied she didn’t have one. I pointed out how expensive college was. She asked me how much I had saved for Katie and Mark so I pulled up those accounts.
She said that was plenty – we could just divide in 3. I said absolutely not – I had started saving that money for each of the kids before they were even born and it belonged to them. She said what about treating the kids equally.
I replied that equally meant giving each of them the same amount going forward, not taking money away from 2 of them to give to the other. She said what about the retirement funds – I said no again because both of the hit we would take on taxes and what it would do to our early retirement plans.
I had worked hard to save to be able to retire early and travel. Alice said it was unfair to Eliza not to pay for her college when I am paying for the other two – and I agree. But you don’t start planning on how to pay for college when the kid is 17!
It’s not Eliza’s fault, but it’s not mine either. Alice is accusing me of not caring about Eliza – that I would find a way if it was my child. I told her that I did find a way for my kids – it was saving for their entire life not hoping that tens of thousands of dollars would magically appear. It went downhill from there.
At this point Alice and I are not speaking. We won’t be getting married and I seriously doubt we will be together very much longer. I don’t think I am wrong, and neither do the people that I talk to. However I admit they are biased toward me. I am coming here to get an outside perspective. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s initial post:
NTA - “your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on my part” is a common saying at my work. This is the biggest example I have seen of that. Her failing to plan for college savings for her daughter does not mean that you should liquidate assets or pillage your children’s college savings.
I think the GF's plan was to find a dude who would pony up the college fund.
Yep, this was her emergency plan. Hope OP and her are not sharing a roof right now.
NTA. Finally! A GOOD PARENT here! Good lord, it gets ridiculous. No, you're not the bad guy for standing up for your kids, or for putting your foot down. This womn is not someone you should marry.
She is not someone you should even consider staying with. Her idea of how longer-term finances work is seriously bonkers, and this is not the sort of life partner you want or need.
NTA... Alice sounds like she's looking for a little bit of sugar daddy money pretty late in the game. It comes across pretty sketchy for her to show up and throw her kid in with yours and assume the bill would be footed. I would take this whole situation as a red flag at bare minimum.
notapiggybank (OP)
I didn't put it in the post because of the character limit, but Alice and I had talked about our expectations. We did say we wanted the kids treated equally by both of us.
Two and a half months later, the OP returned with an update.
Alice and Eliza moved out on the first. Our relationship is officially over, though it really ended when all of this first came to light. Alice and I were able to sit down together and develop a plan on how to move forward and how to tell the kids. Alice was not able to move out immediately – she needed to find a place she could afford in our same school district.
Alice and Eliza finally had their long overdue conversation about the lack college savings and it did not go well at all. There was a lot of yelling and tears on both sides. I could hear the screaming from a different room. Eliza is barely speaking to her mother now.
I spoke with Mark and Katie. They were both confused as to why Alice wouldn’t tell Eliza that there weren’t any savings and I couldn’t help them with that. Katie, my sweet little girl, asked if she could give some of her fund to Eliza and I told her no. That money had been set aside for her and she is the only one it is going to be used for. She wasn’t happy with that answer, but didn’t fight me on it.
All of the kids wanted to know if Alice and I were breaking up, and we told them yes. That Alice and Eliza would be moving out. We emphasized that we were breaking up because we found we weren’t compatible – it had nothing to do with them.
The kids were upset of course, though the girls were far more upset than Mark. They loved living in the same house together, and I told Eliza that she was still welcome to come over – just like she did before Alice and she moved in.
That just because Alice and I weren’t together didn’t mean they didn’t get to be friends. I did sit down and talk to Alice and Eliza about options for college. Some of what I learned was from the comments from my previous post – so thank you all. It turns out that there are actually experts on financial aid that you can go to that can help.
They will explain loan options, and even help you apply for scholarships you might be eligible for. I paid for Alice and Eliza to talk to one. Eliza has amazed me through all of this. While she is furious with her mother, she is determined to still go to college and to accumulate as little debt as possible.
She asked me to help her with her planning and I agreed. I think I am turning her into a spreadsheet junkie! She has also gotten an after-school job and is saving every penny she can. I think she is going to be okay.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
OP is a stand-up guy for ensuring Eliza was aware of her mother's lack of savings for her, and then giving her access to help so she can start preparing herself. It's a shame her own mother didn't prioritise her in that manner.
I'm angry on her behalf tbh. Like okay. You don't have savings. That's fine, plenty of kids manage without their being a fund. Not ideal but manageable. Her not being aware of that and likely feeling all of her plans crumble in that moment is heartbreaking. If she knew earlier it's possible she could've saved some herself or have a plan in place already.
Alice is very, very short-sighted. OP was footing 80% of their shared bills and had indicated he was willing to help Eliza with college funds going forward. And Alice had finally, after years of working lower wage jobs, gotten to a place professionally where she was making pretty decent money.
If she and OP could build a small cushion for Eliza + not get married (so as to not affect her FAFSA), it's entirely likely that Alice could have paid for Eliza's college costs to an in-state public university with her income, plus OP's financial help & a combination of grants and loans.
Made possible with the cost savings of living with OP and him covering 80% of their living costs. Instead, she made unreasonable demands and now they're breaking up -- which means she has to move out and pay for everything (rent, utilities, etc.) herself.