Wife learns of husband's 'secret child,' refuses to raise him, family calls her selfish. UPDATED
"AITA for refusing to raise my husband's secret child?"
indianSadWife
I f (32 ) met my husband in arrange marriage setup ( at 21, he was 27 and in post graduate medical degree ) during my mbbs days and we liked each other and got married after year of courtship.
But after marriage I found out that he was so controlling etc. From clothes to my male friends. It became an issue for him. I have to fight for my dressup (he liked me as modern girl, but after marriage he wanted me to wear traditional).
I had my son at 25 and with help of my parents and in laws. I was able to complete my mbbs and later my residency. We have had our ups n down as he was controlling and I had to fight lot for myself.
We had separated finances because from our joint investments, he gifted his sister lots of gold without even asking. But I stayed shut because I loved my mother and father in laws.
Now I have recently found out my husband had son with a woman 12 years back and in India, having a child before marriage is sin. It's seen as black mark especially on women even today.
But the women here wasn't liked by my in-laws and they gave her huge amount of money and one rental property to stay out of their lives. Which she obliged. That's why they rushed his marriage with me.
Now she is dying with cancer. She visited our home and it was huge mess. Her son fully looks like my husband. And my husband admitted as he had no other option. He hasn't met that kid in years.
Now I am asking for a divorce. I am going to get half of our joint assets. I earn well to keep my son happy and successful (I have my own clinic and pharmacy shop on my parents property). So I am financially set.
Now my in laws have taken that other kid as his mother is very sick and is in the hospital. I am currently at my parent's house. They are asking me to raise the kid and forgive my husband. All throughout life.
I have handled his anger issue. He didn't cheat post marriage. But I wasn't informed earlier about the kid. I will never stop my son's access to his father or paternal grandparents. But I don't want any relation with that kid of his.
I don't care if he is innocent or not. I don't want to be resentful step mother of some child. I also always wanted one kid. My parents haven't pressurized me but they say I should give this marriage a chance and just be cordial to kid if possible. But I shut it down.
My husband has been served divorced papers..him, my in-laws and relatives all are asking me to think about this young child and give that kid motherly love. Which I don't want to.
I will never stop my son from having a good relationship with that kid. But he won't be welcome in my home, in my life. I have been called the b-word, witch etc. for not forgiving my husband and not thinking about the child.
My only concern is my son and I want him to grow happy etc. I have also decided not to try dating or look for another match for the next three, four years. So I can give my child proper care. AITA for refusing to raise husband's secret child?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
Posterbomber
Info, who is asking you to raise your husbands child? His family or yours?
PS, YOU ARE NOT THE AH!
indianSadWife (OP)
Both..my close cousins are saying how can I be so cruel and that kid wasn't result of cheating. But thing is I would've never married a man with child. I was never given the option.
Posterbomber
That is a great answer. So here's what you should say to them when they say that to you ever again "Cousin, ex is a bad father and would be happy to allow you to raise the child, please contact him if you feel this badly for this motherless child, I would support you in the adoption."
NanaLeonie
NTA. You were deceived into marrying a man with a child, a man who was also a controlling AH. I don’t fault you for using the kid as an excuse/reason to escape being married to a man that horrible.
Eight days later, the OP returned with an update.
"Update: on refusing to raise husband's affair child"
indianSadWife
We have come to a settlement without big issues. I am getting two million usd in the settlement..and we won't drag this case. I will invest most in my son's name. Because if some day I remarry, I don't want anyone to have access to my son's inheritance, in case something happens to me.
He will also pay for our son's private schooling as well as college. I will be primary custodian. But he and in laws will have access to oiur son. And we don't live far (5 kms).
So I won't stop my son from visiting them with supervision under his nanny from my side till he grows old enough and so does his new sibling. Although he keeps missing dad and asking why are we not together. I have told him it's that mom and dad have different work reasons. That's why.
I also made it clear to my ex and in laws that if my son got brainwashed by them or something, I will drag them to court. Also to never force his new kid on me during meets etc. I won't stop my son from meeting his half brother, but I don't want that kid in my house or in my life. This is the update for now. We don't want to drag the case out as it can take years. And it will be hit a on his reputation.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
CyberArwen1980
He lied to you by omission. Go and live your life the best you can,unfortunatelly there are other women out there who couldn't have the chance to get divorce. So you are a "lucky" one. Stay strong and Best of wishes to you and your son.
indianSadWife (OP)
I am frankly in position to divorce especially considering in my culture. Divorce is looked down upon across classes. Poor woman have it tough.
LadySnack
I feel like they only pressured OP to stay so they would not have to take care of the kid themselves. Built in babysitter.
Icy-Cockroach4515
"my in-laws and relatives all are asking to think about young child and give that kid motherly love."
Ahh, but the father not interacting with the son for years on end? Perfectly fine, carry on!
Dear_Occupant
It disgusts me when people shift blame like this, because they always lay it at the feet of the one person in a given situation who is entirely blameless. The father was the one who was cruel: when he had a child he wasn't prepared to care for, when he lied to his wife about it, when he hit her, and when he expected her to raise a child that was entirely his responsibility.